wrap-up

End of year in Japan means cleaning for days and giving gift sets involving towels and everyday items in an attractively wrapped box. The idea is to thank people for all they've done for you over the year and to continue a positive relationship, all with a clean house. The cleaning is meant to be a fresh start, to get all the bad parts of the year out with a little elbow grease and household cleaner. There's something reassuring about having a fresh start from year to year.

I have mixed feelings about 2009. In some ways it was OK. I have been more adult-like with a few of the relationships I've been in, ending on an OK note or trying to be rational or the like. I'm starting to feel like a professional in parts of my work life. Some of my friendships have been strengthened. But it was also and extremely sad year, heartbreaking. Losing both my grandparents is still something I have a hard time with, regardless of how old they were. This year has been filled with bouts of depression, extended and damaging, and it still frustrates me that I haven't figured it out. That I haven't figured me out.

How old do you have to be to know yourself? To be OK with the good and bad parts?

I've booked myself a little weekender to Las Vegas in February. The hope is to meet my friend for a visit and drink and dance with other soulies when the cabin fever normally hits its worst. I'm slightly worried it won't work out, that he won't get his shit together, but hopeful because others are planning for him and because I have to be. Regardless, I'm hoping the neon museum is viewable despite it being closed (awesome timing, as usual) and maybe a few other wee surprises. Time to get to sewing my '60s dresses in time for showcasing around Freemont.

Tomorrow I'm going to my friends' wedding, a new experience for traditionally uneventful New Years' Eves. Am hopeful it will be a good time, which might be the best way to end the year: hopeful.

off-season

It feels like I'm in slo-mo, barely moving enough to be considered live-action. My parents' house, warm and cozy with actual heat that wakes me up in the morning, moves at a much slower speed than my regular life.

The holidays have been OK. My family is in one piece, well and fine and good. I got to see my Auntie Mary and a few cousins and realise that, as the years go by, they may become more important than ever. My parents see a couple of my cousins often: my dad spends part of almost every day at Jimmy's; my mom sees or talks to Elaine at least 5 or 6 times a week. These cousins are there should my parents need anything immediately. I've told them more than once how grateful I am that they are there for my parents when I can't be.

As I age I realise that I probably messed up my life. When I get older, to my parents' ages and older, who will I rely on for help? Will anyone be there?

Holidays really mess me up. They make me more reflective than I feel comfortable with and remind me that things won't always be like this, for better or worse. I've been trying to not get on my siblings' nerves, but had a minor fight with my sister about her not helping my mom with something and told off my brother because he was overstepping his welcome with some of his behaviour. My parents are happy to have us all here; I am wishing for the next visit I can have them to myself. Things are much easier when I don't resent how little my siblings seem to care about my parents.

My mom and I discussed Wii yesterday and agreed that I would buy one and they can visit and try it out to see if they like it. Mom wants an alternative to the gym and Dad has been complaining about his weight now that golf season is over, and none of us want him to sneak cigarettes in the wooden garage anymore. With a tiny bit of money from my grandfather, I figure I can splurge for this and see how the exercise games are for my parents. In theory I would love for my parents to be able to play video games for exercise, but I have a few hours of research to undertake on how seniors' mobility improves with the Wii. I need peer-reviewed research one way or the other. (This is the sort of nerd I've become. Or maybe I was always like this a bit.)

I've watched loads of "What not to wear," "Top chef," "Extreme makeover: Home edition," "LA Ink" and Star Wars movies (since when has Star Wars become easier to find on TV than A Christmas story?). I've nearly gotten my fill of holiday filler.

Tonight I'm going over to the basement of my parents' church for a fiddler/violinist who is in town visiting his grandfather. This seems completely random to me, but I'm playing loose and if my mom wants to go then I probably will go with. I'm not sure I can watch any more TV marathons right now.

Mom and I were working on chicken paprika for dinner and I have to run to help with the nukelin (spatzle). This is my favourite meal ever and I'm so excited.

sock dreams

My feet are currently sporting ballet trompe l'oeil socks, coordinated with a pink cardi. I desperately wanted to wear some new tights I picked up yesterday, but my legs are too long/fat to safely wear them all day. This is disappointing.

One of my co-workers couldn't wait until tomorrow to give me a gift after seeing today's socks. She insisted I open it immediately. I now have hilarious/awesome reindeer slipper socks with the sticky bit on the bottom. I like them quite a bit; they're nothing I would have bought for myself, but fun from someone else.

The urge to search out new socks is great, but I must refrain. Pennies must be saved for grander endeavours, possibly of the travel variety.

a hole

Sometimes I suspect I'm the most terrible person alive. Right now... one of those times.

My friend invited me to a housewarming party in January. I knew immediately that I didn't want to go, that I hate most of his friends and don't really like his girlfriend when she soapboxes me. And yet I was just hoping to accidentally double-book. No such luck. I had to tell him that I couldn't be around people that I don't like, that I was freaked out about going to his housewarming. He said he understood, that people drift apart and I was still welcome to visit anytime I want to.

The problem is that I'm not sure why we were ever friends. I can't remember. So much of our friendship was a sexual tension that was appeased ages ago, and since then things haven't ever been the same. It makes me sad, but maybe women and men aren't really meant to be friends without some subconscious attraction.

Not to say that I want to do it with all my male friends or anything. That's not the case. But there's some sort of attraction with the people I like to spend time with, not necessarily sexual, but something, and maybe sometimes that attraction just dissipates with time. I don't really know, but it hurts my heart. It hurts to lose friends and have someone I once was so close to just not be near me at all anymore. Is it me? Is it him? Was it inevitable?

I just don't know. But I do know that my heart is cracked and oozing uncontrolled feelings that don't seem to be clotting at all.

she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly

People sometimes confide in me and, while I like being the pinnacle of discretion, sometimes the weight is so great. I have many, many secrets, but I wonder... If I had a secret that I needed help with, what would I do?

Really, with Christmas and all, it's the whole fear of immaculate conception that comes to mind. What the hell would I do if I was unwittingly impregnated without my knowledge? Who would I get to help with my predicament? Because, let's face it, pretty much no one would believe me. Immaculate conception? Puh-leeeeeeaze. They'd start tossing out names of people I may have accidentally breathed near who could have gotten me pregnant, completely excusing the fact that they know you can't get pregnant from sharing a soda at the pharmacy or by looking at someone's junk (right?).

Whenever my lady time is late by a day or two (doesn't happen often; I'm like clockwork) I start to freak out. Because, you know, this could be the month of spontaneous immaculate conception. And with no one believing me, I have no idea who could get me out of this whole scenario.

I'm not pregnant, if you were wondering. I'm just thinking about this whole thing in general, since Christmas is less than a week away. Did Joseph really believe Mary? What did Mary's parents think? The gossipy women down the way? Is that why they were on the move on the back of the donkey? No one believed her and they were cast out?

Just know that, if I should be unexpectedly preggers, I'll call you and ask, "You know that song 'Brick' by Ben Folds? Ya, that's me."

unseasonally

Last night was supposed to be the big snow storm of the season. By the time I got into Vancouver, it was raining and has been since. I didn't have a problem getting in to work today, and giving myself two hours to get to my other job is far more generous than necessary. Hopefully.

Only 10 days to Christmas, but I haven't done a thing for it. Too many other things to do, like visit with friends.

Last week my dear friends Dulcie, Nels and wee Hugo were in town from Edmonton and we got to hang out a couple of days. Thursday after work we had a visit and headed to Burgoo for eats. I had a soup and sandwich combo, which sounds pretty uneventful, but the chicken and corn chipotle soup was amazing and the three cheese grilled cheese was so tasty. We each had strawberry lemonade and shared a sticky toffee pudding. It literally took hours to get through our meal, but was a nice place to cozy up and catch up. Saturday we spent most of the day together, catching breakfast at 3 Lions on Broadway and hitting a craft sale on Main before popping to Rachel and Nathan's for a cookie party. So many kids, but they were fun and it was nice to see a few friends I don't get to see very often. We followed that up with a trip to Japadog and then headed back to their hotel to rest. We watched an episode of "Birds of Prey" (so melodramatic) and then they drove me homeward. A very nice visit.

Friday after work I went to a work party. It was kind of dull, as everyone seems to be either boring or keeping up appearances. Our table didn't get rowdy, but at least we appeared to have a pulse. I wasn't sad at all when my co-worker/ride suggested we could leave around 9:30. I was ready to go at 8.

Sunday I worked at Langara and it was pretty slow. The last week of exams is pretty uneventful, so I didn't do much reference, and the task for the day wasn't particularly engaging. I did get to see a couple of co-workers that I really like, so that was good. My contract boss picked me up to go to our director's house for an open house. I was going for the food, as I assumed she'd have hors d'oeuvres. She did, and they were so tasty. Pancetta-wrapped chipotle shrimp, three mushroom and carmelised onion packets, mac & cheese balls, stuffed mushroom caps, mini cheese quiches, cheesecake pops... It was all quite fantastic. I talked mainly with a new colleague who is into the same sorts of music as me, so it was fun to talk about music with someone. The house was an interesting design, right off Pt.Grey Road, designed by a prominent interior designer. Fantastic artwork, astonishing view.

This week I'm riding the Stanley Park train, hopefully while drunk; attending another, better work dinner (excited!!!); working my first shift in months at VPL; popping to my friends' house after they finish moving (such a cruel friend I am, planning work on their recently-planned move day) for a BBQ; and trying to get everything together for Christmas (like gifts or baking or something) in less than 4 days. When are stores having their midnight shopping?

oh, no you di'in't

I have someone passive-aggressiving me at work and it's totally annoying. Fine, you don't like that I changed the bookmark you did in PowerPoint (who designs anything in PowerPoint anyway?). I get it. You don't have to keep telling me over and over how I messed up your design. The design I was told I'm responsible for. The design I would rather do myself because I like to change how things look. Like using the same font consistently. Like changing the colours from fuchsia to red. You're not going to get more sympathy from me the more you say crap about what I shouldn't have done. I'm going to hold my tongue instead of saying how stupid it is to design bookmarks in PowerPoint. Because it's really, really stupid. Really.

sunrise, sunset

For almost two weeks, I have to make up extra hours for one of the days I was sick. It means functioning almost completely in darkness (dark when I go to work, dark when I leave work), but the real kicker is the lack of sleep when I have to wake up at 6am or earlier. The days of being able to function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep are gone.

The saving grace for early mornings is that I almost get to see the sunrise when the weather is fine. These days of clear coldness make for bright horizons with tinges of pinks and oranges illuminating the navy mornings. I like morning light, even when it's just a teasing idea. One morning the colours made me catch my breath, the sharp reds and oranges puncturing holes in the distant charcoal clouds.

Saturday I met Rachel for floats and BLTs, in that order, the sandwiches acting as dessert (mmmm.... baaaacon....), and a good chat about stuff and things. Later I met my sister for sushi and the Giants game. I bought a couple of teddy bears for the Teddy Bear Toss; she didn't really "get" why I would do that. The game was pretty fast, but the Giants didn't score until near the end of the 1st period. People had gotten pretty antsy (the toss part comes when the Giants score their first goal), so the place totally errupted with flying faux fur carcasses. My sister, showing no emotions or interest through the whole evening, smiled at the piles and piles of toys on the ice. Getting hit in the back of the head with soft stuffed things made her laugh. It was pleasing.

Yesterday I met my sister to buy bus tickets home for Christmas. My dad has become increasingly concerned with the Hope-Princeton and strongly offered to pay for our bus tickets home. I finally mentioned it to my sister and she agreed because she has to buy new tires anyway. I went to Fabricland to buy some stuff (50% off pretty much everything) and came away with three cuts of fabric and some notions. Last evening I went to Brittany's for dinner since she's on a home cooking kick. We had a really good Thai soup and caught up on her trip and stuff. Just after I got there, I got a weird call from a guy I was seeing earlier in the year, who just stopped talking to me despite having common friends. I couldn't talk, so I'm extremely curious to see why he called. Boys are an enigma to me; I don't understand them at all.

a man in uniform

Work has its higher points. Today was the fire officer graduation, which in and of itself is not that impressive. But the man I think is so attractive was dressed in his officer dress uniform... Gosh, he's lovely. One of my other co-workers noticed him first, coming down the stairs, and commented how nicely he was dressed. They didn't really know that I have a crush on him, but they do now. My gushing "but he's so nice" probably gave that away. One co-worker mentioned that he always seems sort of flustered; maybe that's the part that is attractive. Still, not a chance.

Today I IMed more than I have in ages, with three convos popping up within minutes of each other at one time. It makes me feel less alone when people actually talk to me, so it was nice to talk with people today. Granted, two of them dropped out of (partially tentative) plans, but two did set plans as well, so that's something. Tomorrow evening I'm going to the Giants game (the teddy bear toss) with my sister and Monday I'm meeting my chum Joe from school. A rare Saturday night out.

Tonight, though, I just didn't feel like going to a show alone, but didn't feel like doing all those things I should do around the house. I sit and worry about my pipes bursting again, something I'll likely worry about as long as I live here and the weather starts to cool. Why couldn't they just wrap the stupid pipes up in insulation, even though they didn't put any in the walls?

But soon starts the season of holiday cheer and all that. Work parties and friends from far flung places and all that. Good times.

omg it's a barrage

A strange observation: when I'm happy at work, I'm generally pretty healthy. I eat well, I manage to put together balanced meals and drink enough water and exercise a little bit everyday. I don't really get sick when I feel like work is good.

I haven't been back to work yet. My sleeping patterns have been messed up, leaving me wide awake at 2am and with 2 or 3 hours sleep under my belt by the time the alarm goes off. Today I was in the shower and my head was pounding, my intestines churned, and I decided I wasn't strong enough to do my commute today. It worries me that I'm taking this job for granted like I am. Am I really ill or am I making myself ill?

Tomorrow I'm going in. There is no question. I just need to figure out how to feel healthier and get in the right state to enjoy this job more. It's a pivotal job for me and if I fuck it up I'm going to have to find a new profession. No one will hire me if I don't do well with this contract. And I wish I were being dramatic; a huge number of entry jobs require less than 2 years experience and the others require huge skill sets that can only come from working full-time. Maybe that's making me sick. When this contract ends I'll be in that weird limbo state, more than 2 years experience without a full-time job, and I'm not sure I'm doing well enough in this job to get me work after it's done. Maybe the stress thinking about all this is making my body shut down. Maybe I'm sabotaging my future self.

On the upside, I've still got Tylenol 3s and shredded a majority of the stuff that needed to be shredded. And I'm so close to getting my sewing machine set up again.