failure

It probably goes without saying that I didn't get the job. And I'm really trying to not feel like the biggest fucking loser ever, but it's hard. I mean, I've worked there for almost 3 years and they hired someone who recently graduated. Which means, despite working for 3 years, I still don't have enough experience to work where I already work.

Last night I met my friend for a quick dinner and, during a story about being in my hometown bar and summing up why it was for the best that we didn't run into the trouble the place is known for, he mentioned that it was best for everyone that I didn't need to react because he knows I would. So... I'm extremely reactive. And this isn't a big surprise to me, but it still stings when other people point it out because it is incredibly hard to not react.

Which is why I haven't quit that job yet. Because I really want to. So much. I can't even tell you how much I want to quit that job. More than I want to get over my allergy to cats. But that's reactive and adults don't do shit like quit a job when they don't get hired for a better, secure job with the same company.

I've been avoiding people from that job as well. My debriefing interview was a joke; the head of the hiring committee had nothing productive to say other than that I need more experience. Then she sent me an email that said I should "pretty up" my resume and join the professional association to meet people and start a personal blog.

Typing that makes me want to slam my head against the wall repeatedly until that sounds like good advice. It's like she never looked at my resume.

Talking about it with people from that workplace won't do anything but make me feel worse. Oh, you think I deserved that job? Me too. You can't believe they chose someone who started grad school after I graduated? I'm with you on that one. You wish I had gotten the job? That's... great. I didn't get the job and now I can never get away from that because people will remind me constantly that I didn't get the job. Yay.

So... already being prone to beating myself up (because my brain constantly tells me I'm not good enough), it's kicked into HIGH GEAR with this. I am just a warm body that fills in when the real important people need breaks. I'm a blowup doll in the passenger seat so you can drive in the HOV lane. I'm the discardable paper balled up in the toe of a shoe until a foot goes in. I'm just an auxiliary librarian, now and forever.

I often keep my instant messaging status as invisible. It sums up how I feel.

holding pattern

This summer is all about waiting to see what will happen. I'm having a hard time being patient when other people are in charge of deciding whether or not I'll have enough work to get by. I'm stuck in limbo.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I interviewed for a job. The longer it takes to hear back, the more it feels like I didn't get the job. If I didn't get the job, I have to work my ass off to get enough work to pay next month's rent. If I did get the job... Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it.

I'm naturally an impatient person. When I saw a counselor, he always asked why I was feeling so anxious at that moment because I was always fiddling or moving my feet or shifting in my seat. It was obvious that I couldn't stay still. And often I catch myself doing these things while waiting for buses or people, when circumstances aren't moving at a speed that I want them to. For a while I was good at monitoring this type of anxiety and working through it, but lately it's impossible. I'm a jumble.

At this point I wonder if they're waiting to tell me after this week because I won't have any shifts for a month. If that's the case, I think it's pretty obvious what the answer is.

These are the times that I realise a healthy habit or hobby would be good, like running. If I ran and only ran when I was feeling anxious, I would be super fit at this point.

query

I have been thinking of starting a blog or something to only post positive things. Maybe put up some sewing projects. Show some pictures of things I've baked. I'm just not sure which interface I want to work with. Initially I thought about a free Wordpress one, but it needs some tweaking and I haven't found a design that I'm sold on. Thought about Tumblr, too, but worry about limitations with writing stuff. I could do another Blogger one, but I don't want this one to be linked to the other in any way.

Any suggestions? What interface would be best for photos/writing/stuff?