My fear of being destitute is irrational, but I still do stupid things to sabotage myself and make the irrationality seem more real.
This month I've spent an entire paycheck on stuff. Nothing in savings, nothing to my credit line, nothing to RRSPs... The computer was unexpected, but I could have managed it. But then... I discovered that Bath & Body Works is now open in Richmond Centre and then I got a Wii last night. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It's still in the box. I haven't had time/effort to set it up and not sure if it will happen before Friday. It's just lucky I have nothing planned until Saturday evening. I'll figure out what was saved from my old computer (did manage to salvage photos/music, which is awesome) and sew the hell out of the dress I need for the Robbie Burns dinner I've got a ticket to on Saturday, and that's about it. Such excitement in my life.
I suspect subconsciously I don't see any point of planning ahead too much. Saving seems pointless because I'll likely have to work until I die anyway, and things I would like to save for (a home of my own, trips) I will never have because, alone, it's unattainable. (I'm not sure how much traveling alone you've done, but I've been alone on nearly all of my trips and I don't have the personality to engage with strangers everywhere I go. I just don't. So traveling alone is often very lonely and is why I visit cemeteries and natural history museums: people expect you to look miserable at them.) But a new camera or new tights are totally attainable.
Also, I bought 5 lbs of pink grapefruit because they were cheap. I'm not even sure if I like pink grapefruit. I like drinks made with pink grapefruit, but as a fruit on its own... No idea. But for a second I thought it was something someone my age would eat and in the basket they went.
I would go on, but I feel another ridiculous tangent coming on.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
on the plate
Sometimes I wonder if I have a deathwish.
Often I complain that I have nothing to do, that I sit around my house constantly and get nothing done and see no one. During the week this is a half-truth, as most of my socialising gets done between Tuesday and Thursday, but little else. On weekends, it is absolutely true. The only people I generally see are the checkout people at whatever store I happen to need supplies from. Our conversations are brief and leave something to be desired (except for the meat conversations with my butchers). Large portions of time are dedicated to figuring out the best spot on my couch to watch unnecessary television programming.
When opportunity knocks, it's best to answer. To make sure I'm covered once my current contract is up (and to take up some of this lazy time), I took on another contract so I am not dormant at any point for the next while. I want to make sure, if I'm going to have limited work in 6 months (which is nearly inevitable), I want to have a bit saved up now and make sure I have other stuff in the works. So... I'll be working a part-time gig at the CBC doing film preservation/cataloguing. (For those of you who recall my work experience stint at the CBC, you can imagine how thrilled and grateful I am to be able to do this work again.)
In the meantime, I am hoping to buy fabric for a plaid dress for the Robbie Burns piping band soiree I'm going to next weekend with people from one of my jobs, meaning a hardcore sew-fest during one of these dormant days/evenings. Until the real work begins.
Often I complain that I have nothing to do, that I sit around my house constantly and get nothing done and see no one. During the week this is a half-truth, as most of my socialising gets done between Tuesday and Thursday, but little else. On weekends, it is absolutely true. The only people I generally see are the checkout people at whatever store I happen to need supplies from. Our conversations are brief and leave something to be desired (except for the meat conversations with my butchers). Large portions of time are dedicated to figuring out the best spot on my couch to watch unnecessary television programming.
When opportunity knocks, it's best to answer. To make sure I'm covered once my current contract is up (and to take up some of this lazy time), I took on another contract so I am not dormant at any point for the next while. I want to make sure, if I'm going to have limited work in 6 months (which is nearly inevitable), I want to have a bit saved up now and make sure I have other stuff in the works. So... I'll be working a part-time gig at the CBC doing film preservation/cataloguing. (For those of you who recall my work experience stint at the CBC, you can imagine how thrilled and grateful I am to be able to do this work again.)
In the meantime, I am hoping to buy fabric for a plaid dress for the Robbie Burns piping band soiree I'm going to next weekend with people from one of my jobs, meaning a hardcore sew-fest during one of these dormant days/evenings. Until the real work begins.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
sweets
The field guide to candy has a recipe for fleur de sel caramels. This is interesting to know because I picked up some fleur de sel caramels from the chocolate shop on 21st at Main. If I didn't have a recipe for fleur de sel caramels, I might go bankrupt buying said caramels on a daily basis. They are that good. The sweetness with the saltiness... Tomorrow may involve a trip to Meinhardt's for supplies. Time to use my mom's candy thermometer.
I just swept up some fluff from my Bay blanket. It is satisfying to sweep up big red fluffs.
With Valentine's Day crap coming out in piles, I'm starting to get anxiety about having to hole up for large portions of February. It isn't fun avoiding the sympathetic glances and the you're-so-pathetic-going-to-a-movie-alone stares I get from partnered women every Februrary. I can't understand how buying red and pink crap and going out for dinner celebrates being in a relationship.
I feel sorry for the poor chumps who have to do crap their girlfriends/wives force them into to prove their affection. I see them miserably looking around the room, checking to see if anyone notices that their ties are too tight and their pants feel too snug around the waist. It isn't all of them, but there are enough to make it obvious. Valentine's Day is for women.
I miss the Japanese Valentine's Day. Women buy men candy, including male friends and fathers and brothers. Men don't have to do anything but remember who gave them candy. A month later is White Day, when men reciprocate. There's something civilised about this. (They have Valentine's Day-type stuff on Christmas, when couples and dates have a nice dinner and have sex in a hotel room. It's expected.)
But, in the end, it all comes down to candy.
I just swept up some fluff from my Bay blanket. It is satisfying to sweep up big red fluffs.
With Valentine's Day crap coming out in piles, I'm starting to get anxiety about having to hole up for large portions of February. It isn't fun avoiding the sympathetic glances and the you're-so-pathetic-going-to-a-movie-alone stares I get from partnered women every Februrary. I can't understand how buying red and pink crap and going out for dinner celebrates being in a relationship.
I feel sorry for the poor chumps who have to do crap their girlfriends/wives force them into to prove their affection. I see them miserably looking around the room, checking to see if anyone notices that their ties are too tight and their pants feel too snug around the waist. It isn't all of them, but there are enough to make it obvious. Valentine's Day is for women.
I miss the Japanese Valentine's Day. Women buy men candy, including male friends and fathers and brothers. Men don't have to do anything but remember who gave them candy. A month later is White Day, when men reciprocate. There's something civilised about this. (They have Valentine's Day-type stuff on Christmas, when couples and dates have a nice dinner and have sex in a hotel room. It's expected.)
But, in the end, it all comes down to candy.
the sun will come out
The sun is out today; the rareness makes me wish I didn't forget my camera at home so I could capture reminders that the days will be less gray and dreary at some point. The forecast hereafter is for nothing but rain. I understand the meteorlogical reasoning for rain in this particular climate, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
Yesterday I got a replacement computer, the same as I had before, so it was an easy transition to the new system. A new OS and different widgets, but an essentially similar situation. I felt so weird not having something to do when I woke up daily at 5am (for no apparent reason... why does my body hate me so much?) and enjoyed my early morning much more today than previous days. I also got a webcam (finally!) so am able to Skype with friends. I was starting to feel like a Luddite. This morning I had my first fully functional chat with Eileen, mic and all. Was so nice to catch up with her. Now I should be talking with people more. If only I had anything going on to talk about.
Last night I had an absolutely delightful evening with the Jacksons. (I also forgot to ask them if they might have three children so I can call them the Jackson 5, but it's probably for the best that I forgot.) He made a delish dinner of squash gnocchi with pancetta and dressed salad with seasoned cherry tomatoes and goat cheese (seriously, how much do I love goat cheese? I would put it in every salad I ever eat if I could). She provided many topics to consider during our conversation. Must remember to book a karaoke night soon. I feel the need to belt out "Always something there to remind me" in a karaoke box after a session with Naked Eyes on the turntable. I love the mic.
With weather so nice, I'm torn what to do after work. If there's any shred of light, I doubt I'll want to be inside. I just can't actually remember when the sun goes down anymore. If the sun sets at 4:44pm, how much light will I have from 5pm onward? Maybe I should get a sun lamp thing to stop myself from going all "The Shining" and shit.
Tomorrow I get a day off, but have no idea what to do. Don't want to spend money (but want a Wii...), yet the weather is supposed to be more rain. Maybe it's time to stock the freezer with more baking. I've been berrated for not having chocolate chip cookies in my freezer on more than three occasions lately, so maybe it's time to convert frozen fruit to frozen baking. Or make a chocolate babka bread to see if I can do it. Mmm... chocolate babka...
Yesterday I got a replacement computer, the same as I had before, so it was an easy transition to the new system. A new OS and different widgets, but an essentially similar situation. I felt so weird not having something to do when I woke up daily at 5am (for no apparent reason... why does my body hate me so much?) and enjoyed my early morning much more today than previous days. I also got a webcam (finally!) so am able to Skype with friends. I was starting to feel like a Luddite. This morning I had my first fully functional chat with Eileen, mic and all. Was so nice to catch up with her. Now I should be talking with people more. If only I had anything going on to talk about.
Last night I had an absolutely delightful evening with the Jacksons. (I also forgot to ask them if they might have three children so I can call them the Jackson 5, but it's probably for the best that I forgot.) He made a delish dinner of squash gnocchi with pancetta and dressed salad with seasoned cherry tomatoes and goat cheese (seriously, how much do I love goat cheese? I would put it in every salad I ever eat if I could). She provided many topics to consider during our conversation. Must remember to book a karaoke night soon. I feel the need to belt out "Always something there to remind me" in a karaoke box after a session with Naked Eyes on the turntable. I love the mic.
With weather so nice, I'm torn what to do after work. If there's any shred of light, I doubt I'll want to be inside. I just can't actually remember when the sun goes down anymore. If the sun sets at 4:44pm, how much light will I have from 5pm onward? Maybe I should get a sun lamp thing to stop myself from going all "The Shining" and shit.
Tomorrow I get a day off, but have no idea what to do. Don't want to spend money (but want a Wii...), yet the weather is supposed to be more rain. Maybe it's time to stock the freezer with more baking. I've been berrated for not having chocolate chip cookies in my freezer on more than three occasions lately, so maybe it's time to convert frozen fruit to frozen baking. Or make a chocolate babka bread to see if I can do it. Mmm... chocolate babka...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
baby, give it to me now
This week is just dragging, isn't it?
My computer isn't cooperating with me, refuses to boot up, and is causing me great anxiety at the possibility of having to replace it (goodbye, idea of Wii). I know we've had a good run, but I would rather not have to replace it. I don't need the newest technology; I just need something reliable in a Mac form. Will see someone tomorrow night to see what they can figure out.
Last night I met up with Terry for coffee (as a verb, not a noun) and got the copy of Grease 2 that he picked up for me. We had fruity things to drink because neither of us have been sleeping particularly well and thought caffeine would just mess everything up. Nice chat, as always, and when he dropped me off he said I would probably stay up and watch the movie anyway. I denied it.
My laptop still works (though won't connect to the internet for some unknown reason), so I sat up in bed for a while and scrolled through my favourite chapters. Seriously, some of those songs kick ass. "Reproduction" and "Let's score tonight" come to mind immediately. The whole thing looks a bit more current than 1961, clothing and all, and I can't believe how brutally hot Maxwell Caulfield is in that. (Have you done an image search for him recently? Not as adorable as he was in that film, but married Hayley Mill's sister when he was 18 and is still married.) Freaks me out that it came out when I was 9 and I watched it so many times that I knew most of the dialogue and all the songs (we had HBO; it was on for almost a month).
It also points out that having a thing with a mysterious cool rider might be better than getting to know some dorky guy who won't live up to my expectations. Where does one locate one of those?
My computer isn't cooperating with me, refuses to boot up, and is causing me great anxiety at the possibility of having to replace it (goodbye, idea of Wii). I know we've had a good run, but I would rather not have to replace it. I don't need the newest technology; I just need something reliable in a Mac form. Will see someone tomorrow night to see what they can figure out.
Last night I met up with Terry for coffee (as a verb, not a noun) and got the copy of Grease 2 that he picked up for me. We had fruity things to drink because neither of us have been sleeping particularly well and thought caffeine would just mess everything up. Nice chat, as always, and when he dropped me off he said I would probably stay up and watch the movie anyway. I denied it.
My laptop still works (though won't connect to the internet for some unknown reason), so I sat up in bed for a while and scrolled through my favourite chapters. Seriously, some of those songs kick ass. "Reproduction" and "Let's score tonight" come to mind immediately. The whole thing looks a bit more current than 1961, clothing and all, and I can't believe how brutally hot Maxwell Caulfield is in that. (Have you done an image search for him recently? Not as adorable as he was in that film, but married Hayley Mill's sister when he was 18 and is still married.) Freaks me out that it came out when I was 9 and I watched it so many times that I knew most of the dialogue and all the songs (we had HBO; it was on for almost a month).
It also points out that having a thing with a mysterious cool rider might be better than getting to know some dorky guy who won't live up to my expectations. Where does one locate one of those?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
change of plans
So, this weekend I was supposed to seriously consider/purchase a couple of things. My mom and sister gave me gift cards for the Bay for a slow cooker and I'd wanted to pick up a Wii for my "new me in 2010" kick. Thought about maybe getting some pants if I found some on sale. Guess what I wound up with. Go on, guess. I'll give you a minute...
...
Think you know?
I got a Bay blanket. None of the other stuff. Just a Bay blanket. And not the Olympic Bay blanket that I've been thinking of. Nor the bright green one that I love. No, I found a bunch marked down 60% in wine or a weird light brown. I blew my gift cards on a twin sized wine Bay blanket, this time costing me an additional $70. It's my new couch blanket. I'm not exactly sure when this Bay blanket thing will end, but I'm extremely hopeful the ones from the Olympics will be leftover and I can buy one of those on discount, too.
Today was a lot of fun. I met up with TP for breakfast and a chat, then we headed downtown to wander around/not buy any of the stuff I planned to. We eventually wound up at Oakridge, mainly because I wanted to find the pants I like that are now on sale, but instead we went to Sherlock Holmes at the Empire. I liked it a lot; it's pretty spectacular visually and, I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. That guy... love him.
Currently I'm sporting a haircut that refuses to look the way it was cut yesterday. No pictures just yet, or maybe ever, depending on how it behaves in the coming days. Why won't it behave?
...
Think you know?
I got a Bay blanket. None of the other stuff. Just a Bay blanket. And not the Olympic Bay blanket that I've been thinking of. Nor the bright green one that I love. No, I found a bunch marked down 60% in wine or a weird light brown. I blew my gift cards on a twin sized wine Bay blanket, this time costing me an additional $70. It's my new couch blanket. I'm not exactly sure when this Bay blanket thing will end, but I'm extremely hopeful the ones from the Olympics will be leftover and I can buy one of those on discount, too.
Today was a lot of fun. I met up with TP for breakfast and a chat, then we headed downtown to wander around/not buy any of the stuff I planned to. We eventually wound up at Oakridge, mainly because I wanted to find the pants I like that are now on sale, but instead we went to Sherlock Holmes at the Empire. I liked it a lot; it's pretty spectacular visually and, I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. That guy... love him.
Currently I'm sporting a haircut that refuses to look the way it was cut yesterday. No pictures just yet, or maybe ever, depending on how it behaves in the coming days. Why won't it behave?
Friday, January 8, 2010
busty
The first post of the year, but I'm not interested in recapping right now. Something is bugging me.
This week the bra/breast cancer awareness thing on Facebook kind of pissed me off. Irrationally, I suppose, but, honestly, I don't really need to be reminded of one of my greatest fears. I think about it monthly when I do my self-exam. I think about it when I hear news from my cousin who fought it. I think about it when I see two of my old co-workers who are still dealing with it.
Searching around the blogosphere today, I found more than a few cancer survivors even more pissed off than me, understandably. Those who had mastectomies... what were they supposed to put down? Those that lost their breasts, were they supposed to just ignore the reminder of what they lost?
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but women should be thinking about their breasts without having to be reminded one month a year or through a social networking site meme. It should be a given.
This week the bra/breast cancer awareness thing on Facebook kind of pissed me off. Irrationally, I suppose, but, honestly, I don't really need to be reminded of one of my greatest fears. I think about it monthly when I do my self-exam. I think about it when I hear news from my cousin who fought it. I think about it when I see two of my old co-workers who are still dealing with it.
Searching around the blogosphere today, I found more than a few cancer survivors even more pissed off than me, understandably. Those who had mastectomies... what were they supposed to put down? Those that lost their breasts, were they supposed to just ignore the reminder of what they lost?
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but women should be thinking about their breasts without having to be reminded one month a year or through a social networking site meme. It should be a given.
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