homelessness & hopelessness

I'm getting more highstrung about this moving thing. I'm starting to lose sleep over it.

I feel like I should start packing my life away, just in case I have to move in an instant. But the thought of packing my apartment while I lack a place to move to makes me uneasy. What if I wind up living in a storage locker because I can't find a place?

You may think I'm overreacting, but have you looked at what people think living in Vancouver is worth? Most of the rents would require more than 3/4 of my income, and that's with my bump in pay. It's nice that people wanted a rental investment, but COME ON. Who, in their right mind, would pay $1500 to rent a 450 square foot one-bedroom apartment in Vancouver? I guess I'm just too cheap to live well because I can barely bring myself to look at places that cost over $900. Which is why I have nowhere to live.

Some mornings I think about just moving up the street to the park to establish myself there since I'm two months away from living on the street anyway.

Yesterday I saw a listing for a place on 15th and Main, and I responded 20 minutes after it was posted. Unfortunately it was for tomorrow, which I initially said was too soon (I said mid-month was better), but by the time I said I would pay for the whole month (about an hour) I must have been too late because I haven't heard anything back. And so... the fear sets in.

I don't want to live in an area I don't particularly like again because the longterm depression really isn't worth $700 rent. But I would have to completely lose my shit to pay $1500 in rent per month to live where I want to live. Still, places in my neighbourhood don't seem to be readily available. And now I get to fight with students for cheap places.

Cripes, I'm fucked. Look for me in the park rambling incoherently soon.

freeze frame (whoo!)

For almost a year I occasionally teased my friend about owing me a birthday/Christmas present from last year. I didn't really expect one, but he kept telling me he was going to get something for me when he found the right thing. When he was more financially flush, he was hours away from buying me a KitchenAid mixer in a colour of my choice, but I felt like that would throw off our friendship balance because I can't ever even out that kind of financial karma. I nixed his (absolutely thoughtful) plans and we haven't talked of it much since. Except for my occasional teasing.

A couple of weeks ago while chatting on MSN, I sent a link to a new camera Lomo had just sent me an email about. A brown Fuji Cheki instamatic, I thought it was pretty cute but out of my current financial reach. He asked me a few questions about it, leading me to wonder if he was thinking of buying it for me, but he changed the subject and that was that.

Last Thursday we went to a nooner at Nat Bailey and when I went to pick him up he led me to his kitchen table and there was a present. The camera! Glee!

The nooner was the longest regulation time baseball game I've ever been to, coming in at just over 4 hours. The first two innings took forever because the pitchers were throwing balls like crazy and had to be replaced a couple of times. The game was pretty slow and dull for most of the innings, but something happened after the 7th inning stretch. The Canadians were down 2-4 and a new pitcher came up to throw to them. Suddenly there were people on the bases and another 5 points! The game was much more exciting toward the end, making me snicker thinking of all the people who left early when nothing was happening. The other team is the worst team in the league, but it was still a bit of a nail biter. I've got a couple more game appointments this summer before the season ends.

I've been to a few parks the last few days, first to David Lam to have a mini picnic with a couple of girls on the anniversary of the first day of the strike, and then yesterday to hang out with some little friends and Rachel. I also finally got to Portobello West on Sunday with visiting friend Alana; it was great to hang out with her and hear valid reasons why I should move to Toronto. This weekend I'm going to see my parents and collect some fruit, so I'm pretty thrilled about that. Then the househunting begins.

waiting for the third

If I wasn't doing well before, I don't know how to explain how bad things are right now. Avert your eyes.

Upon arriving home this evening I found I had a message from my landlady. When I called, she let me know they will be putting the apartment on the market. This means I have to find a new place to live. As though not having a full-time job wasn't stressful enough, now I get to look for an even more expensive place to live. I really don't want to leave my apartment or this neighbourhood, but I'm not sure I can afford to live anywhere within 25 kms of here, unless I put almost my entire paycheck toward rent and never leave my house.

This, obviously, upset me. So I called my mom. She's usually good at calming me down. Unfortunately she got a call from my aunt this morning, letting her know that my grandfather has water around his heart. They've attached a pump to try to remove the water, but there is a high likelihood that he will digress rapidly and die "soon." Things don't look good.

So... ya. Really don't feel like talking to anyone ever again, but if you happen to know of an apartment in Mt. Pleasant... I can't believe I have to go back to living underground. Maybe this is proof I don't belong in this city.

picking stuff

I've had a lot of time on my hands recently. This is not about idleness; on the contrary, today was productive and I was glad not to work. My bank account, however, would beg to differ.

My friend Sara and I happened to run into each other after work on Sunday and decided to get a quick drink and catch up. We've been meaning to hang out for ages, but one or the both of us always winds up busy. The chance meeting encouraged us to make firm plans for this week, so we decided we'd meet up today. She's very DIY and has mad skills in the kitchen and with handicrafts, so we generally have loads to talk about. She suggested we go berry picking since a few berries are in season and the wooded areas around Vancouver are full of bushes. I'm also a fan of urban foraging, liking the idea of collecting public resources that would otherwise rot. Sara mentioned that the parks board has talked about planting apple trees in parks and I totally support public apple trees.

Because I no longer have a U-Pass and because I had a hair appointment on Granville in the late afternoon, I chose walking around UBC over trekking to North Vancouver (will save that trip for August). We organised stuff for lunch, met up at Main and headed toward the endowment lands. From the bus Sara could see thimble berries, one of her favourite wild berries, so we wandered along the road to pick what we could see. She noticed a cherry tree, so we picked as many as we could reach (which wasn't a very good amount, sadly. Note to self: grow another 4 feet to reach the upper branches) and were lured into the woods by spots of red on shrubs. A mountainous berry that looks like a small blackberry (not blackberries because they're still flowering) and salmon berries caught my eye and I added as many as I could find. These are almost out of season, so my haul was small. We found a few thimble berries, but not many more than a few to eat; they're pretty tasty considering they're so small. Since huckleberries are fully in season, we decided to concentrate on those.

We walked around for a while and stopped at a grassy area just outside the park to have lunch. Cheese, bread, fruit, vegetables (are olives considered a vegetable?) and mugi cha made for a perfect picnic lunch and sustained us for the rest of the afternoon. Our focus shifted to which direction to go to maximise our huckleberry gathering.


Sara is much more of an expert, having picked urban huckleberries before. I've only ever picked mountain huckleberries by force when I was a child on camping trips with my family. It was fun for a while, but we often couldn't leave the area until we each had a 4L ice cream bucket of berries. It was hard work. I'm used to dark blue/purple huckleberries; these were shades of red. We stuck close to the path and picked what we saw, but hit a choice thatch about an hour before we had to leave. I managed to pick three cups of berries with moderate effort and Sara got way more than me. The effort will hopefully be rewarded by huckleberry muffins, huckleberry cheesecake or something else that I have no idea how to make yet, but will discover somehow. The berries are in my freezer.

My haircut is hard to see right now. I was more concerned with getting my colour straightened out and that looks pretty good, I think. I can't tell because this particular cut is meant to highlight curly hair, so my hair is really curly right now. I think the colour looks better, but will have to wait for a few days. I love getting haircuts, even if I'm not immediately sure about how I feel about my hair. My fake sister-in-law does my hair and is fantastic at what she does; the highlight for me is the scalp massage and I would let her do pretty much anything to my hair for one of those. Actually, I do let her do pretty much anything she wants to my hair as it is.

Being drunk by 4pm suits me more than I would think it would. If this becomes a habit I might start to be concerned.

Martinis are $4.81 + liquor tax at Cafe Crepe. This is good news for mild alcoholics.

it's official: i'm a loser

I heard from another librarian that the girl I thought would get that UBC job did get that UBC job. I haven't heard from UBC, but apparently everyone I work with knew I didn't get the job before I was unceremoniously told. So...

This means two things:
1) I have to figure some other way to get to Chicago this fall as cheaply as possible. It is what I cling to for sanity.
2) I am unhireable.

This makes me sad. Why did I bust my ass for two years again?

taking a break

Sometimes I just want to hide myself away and avoid all contact with the outside world. Lately I've been feeling like that, but have been forcing myself out because that's what I'm supposed to do. It's not healthy to sit at the kitchen table looking at flyers for things I don't want or need for 9 hours a day. Today, though, I just don't want to make the effort anymore.

I've been dreadful to be around the last while. Negative, easy to anger, ill-humoured, inconsistent... It's no wonder that I go weeks without emails and phone calls. I think it's best if I just stay away from people for a while because I suspect being around people I actually like will be bad for someone.

So, if by some miracle, you try to contact me in the next while, don't be surprised or worried if I don't respond. I just need a break from talking about me. I've got nothing particularly good to say. I won't be hiding in my house, but I won't be organising meet-ups either. I'm just tired of trying to be sociable right now.

sundresses and iced tea

The fine weather has me reaching for sleeveless things and forcing me into the light.

Yesterday Rachel, Gussy and Lily collected me and we went in search of a neighbourhood park with swings. Thankfully we first went to Mt. Pleasant Park and established our picnic spot in clear view of the playground. I brewed some iced tea and hauled out my beloved tartan thermal jug (salvaged during one of my grandparents' estate sales) and some banana bread I whipped up the day before for the afternoon (Gussy ate half the banana bread and was none too pleased when he discovered I had the last end piece). I have been enjoying the remaining iced tea, partly because it's refreshing but also because it reminds me of the enormous jugs my mom made almost daily for us from June to September.

Lily is outstanding at grabbing food, but her intensity means she stares at you while she squeezes whatever food she has in her hands until it squishes out through her fingers (or turns it into diamonds). It's a little disarming in the cutest possible way, especially when she giggles as she's doing it. After an extended turn on the swings, we decided to search out the other parks in my neighbourhood. Unfortunately, Mt. Pleasant Park is the best of the lot, making all others pale in comparison. Sigh. We did happen upon one just a couple blocks away that had shade, swings and parking, and was virtually deserted. Maybe we'll try that one next time.

Being a fake auntie is pretty fun. I don't even mind having mushy peaches smeared on my legs as much as I used to. There's also something endearing about having a 3-year-old tell you he loves you out of the blue. Still doesn't make me want kids of my own; it just seems like more fun this way.

Today I had a walking date, but he stood me up. It's sort of funny... a few minutes after the meeting time the music in the waiting area played "He's a tramp" from Lady and the Tramp. I took that as a sign. Oh well, it was a good excuse to get out of the house anyway, and I wound up walking from Science World to Kingsgate in the blazing sun. There were some dresses on sale, so I picked a couple up and plotted ways to wear them without embarrassment (one is eerily similar to a smocked dress I wore as a child). I find it annoying that dresses are ill-fitted and baggy, but in cute prints. I also stopped off at the relocated Mt. Pleasant branch to drop off some books and had a chat with some of the peeps I got to be friendly with during last year's strike. I'm planning a visit to Dadeo this evening to take advantage of the Tuesday po'boy special, with a wander through the surrounding neighbourhood to see the remains of my friends' burnt down house.

Last night I hacked the bushes outside my patio area after being neglected AGAIN by the yard maintenance people. Today I heard them outside fixing my hack job. You'd think after the last hack and slash they would have kept on top of the shrubbery. This time, I'll hope for the best. I do get some level of enjoyment from using the clippers Jill bought me; it's satisfying to cut a path out for myself. I also enquired with a coffee person if he could promise coffee grounds would kill the weeds outside my door. He couldn't promise, but was pretty excited that I asked. I'm going to try it and see what happens. I just need to get enough grounds from somewhere... I only have tea.

let's get physical

My alcohol consumption has gone up recently.

I've been trying to figure out why my pants feel tighter and I realise that, like a Kobe cow, I am being fattened by beer. Tonight I was reminded that I have to get a dress for my dear friends' wedding at the end of August and a sudden fear gripped me as I realised I would probably have to either be fat in pictures or stop drinking immediately and get started on some crazy exercise regiment. Guh.

Today I drank a fair bit, but at least it wasn't me drinking alone in my apartment. This afternoon I met up with a couple of friends for patio sangria at the Whip. We had three of the four kinds and I decided that sangria is a good way for me to drink wine without actually drinking wine. If I had to drink wine, I mean. For some reason, it doesn't make me crazy in the way regular wine does. Shortly after arriving home, I was off again to Aphrodite's for a pie date. I ate more pie than I think is healthy (especially in light of my current chubbiness), but the company was great and we did decide to go for a walk to lower our chances that all calories would converge on our hips. We decided to go to the King's Head for a pint and more chatting, and by the time my glass was empty I was done with drinking for the day.

What I really need is to find someone who can tune up my bike and get it street-ready. Now that other friends have gotten bikes, there's some pressure on me to join the bike gang. I fear hills. But maybe it's a better alternative to cutting out beer.

i can feel it

This evening I spent a number of hours drinking booze from teacups and saucers from my china hutch, discussing important topics with my girlfriends. We went for dinner at Dadeo and decided that we should all drink at my house, since drinking at someone's house is cheaper than paying by the drink at a bar. A trip to the liquor store at Cambie & 41st (like a superstore of booze) resulted in a couple bottles of bourbon and some Brooklyn Lager, me opting for the pussy drink rather than the southern tonic.

At my house, I really couldn't see drinking beer from a teacup and felt it was imperative to use the cup, so instead fixed 3 finger gimlets for myself while the other girls drank bourbon straight up. I'm not exactly sure why, but the booze hit fast and hard, all of us discussing in detail what drinking hard liquor does to our physiological reactions. Fascinating stuff. Note to self: try not to bring up childhood existential issues because it's a bit of a downer to others to talk about how you were obsessed with death and existence when you were 8.

Last evening I met up with Rachel for a couple of drinks after a birthday dinner at Moderne Burger (it's finally open again!), and had such a good talk that it makes me wish we could drink weekly to get crap off our chests. I'm just not sure how into gin & tonics the baby is, how much booze actually makes it to the booby milk supply. The West Point Grey Legion is not even close to my favourite bar; sadly, it's kind of depressing and the only plus is $4.15 ceasars.

I really enjoy getting tipsy with my girlfriends. The vast variety of backgrounds mean a wide range of potential discussion topics, often things I wouldn't necessarily think to talk about when left to my own devices (I tend to be a bit dull). They somehow manage to make me feel a little smarter than I really am, which is always a plus.

This morning I saw a preview of "The rocker" and, through the course of the nearly 2-hour film, developed a wee bit of a crush on Teddy Geiger; he's adorable, that embryo. It's unfortunate that I felt a little dirty thinking anything about him since his mom in the film was my age. Will Arnett is surprisingly hot with long hair. It was, at times, a little hokey and contrived, but I thought it was pretty fun. Best line (that I can remember): [when watching a yellow hummer limo pull up] "It's like a school bus for assholes."

I'm listening to Twice Removed and wonder if it's really the best thing to be listening to while tipsy. It's easily one of my favourite records (as a whole) of all time, but Patrick Pentland's songs from this one tend to bring me down and promote overly reflective behaviour at this time of the night. It reminds me of a time that I can remember being really happy, yet listening to it now I know it is unlikely I'll feel so carefree and content as I was when I loved this album the first time.

Drinking booze from teacups gave me little pangs of contentedness, fleeting as they were. Perhaps I should have put that on my "things to do this summer" list because it's really important to make an event of even the most seemingly inane activities. I guess that's why I needed to put down the thing about walking barefooted on grass: no one else is going to tell you how to enjoy your life, so you'd better start taking notice of everything that makes you happy. I'm thinking of making seasonal lists to remind myself to pay attention to my life.

hard livin'

I seem to be crazy.

This morning I had a mug of Bailey's and soy milk with my breakfast. And thought about following that up with a big bottle of chocolate stout sitting at the back of my fridge, but that seemed like something an alcoholic would do. The inner dialogue while I chugged the booze was analysing possible pairings with soy milk. The brand I have now has less of an aftertaste than other brands, so I'm wondering if I can somehow document which brands go best with which booze.

I've also been nearly nude since returning home from Calgary, largely because of the burn sustained on Saturday. For some reason, arm burns result in a sharp rise in overall body temperature. My apartment is not hot; it's probably one of the coolest non-air conditioned places I've been in recently. The charred skin, however, makes any temperature uncomfortable. As soon as I'm in my door I've peeled off whatever clothing I had on to cool down and just neglect to put something on to replace it. Is this a common phenomenon?

Oh, right. I was in Calgary. Ages ago I bought a pass for Sled Island and was pretty excited to get the hell out of Vancouver for a few days. So many bands to see, but being lazy and unfamiliar with Calgary, I didn't see everything I wanted to. Still, I saw a pretty good amount. A few show highlights:
- Grizzly Bear in a church. Sooooo amazing. Their voices fit the room so nicely.
- The Mae Shi. Such fun, the show started with the lead singer yelling the first song from the far corner we used as our home base between bands.
- acoustic Yo La Tengo with a Q&A in a small theatre. James McNew is super rad, funny and just a cool guy.
- Jonathan Richman. I could have sworn he looked at me and smiled a few times, which made me blush and smile like a schoolgirl. Granted, there were a few other people around me at the time, but I'm going to cling to the idea that he and I had a moment.
- Jose Gonzales. Super swoony. Sadly, I missed getting a picture with him when he abruptly left the spot he was chatting with fans, mere seconds before I got the nerve to go toward him. Sigh. I think a lot of people were impressed by him, as the area around the front of the stage amassed more and more people as the set went on.
- The Wet Secrets. Is it possible for Lyle Bell to write a shitty song? I think not. Brilliant, and love the marching band uniforms.
- Wire. I totally get why so many bands were influenced by them now.
- a dreamy looking Mark Lanegan.

I also got to spend a goodly amount of time with friends with special appearances by a number of other people I didn't expect to see but was happy to run into. And while I don't love Calgary, I would consider visiting again. I like the no sales tax thing. And the #1 Legion is pretty rad. Wish my camera didn't suck so I could have gotten some good pictures of the murals.