the long and short of it

This has been an eventful year. When I started 2006, I was a complete mess: directionless or, as Evan Dando would say, like a ship without a rudder. I hated my house, fought all the time with friends, was generally depressed about everything. It sucked. But this year things have really fallen into place and I feel like the year ended much more positively than I could have anticipated.

Maybe it's just the calm before the storm or the eye of the tornado, but I feel surprisingly calm and content.

I'm going to attribute this whole turnaround to a couple of things:
1) cutting loose negative forces. I'm thinking specifically about a couple of toxic people who really worked hard at making me feel inadequate and shitty on a constant basis. Surprisingly, when one of them was eliminated from my life things were instantly better.
2) getting into school. Thank you, Mr. Admissions Guy, for letting me in just before you retired.
3) having kick-ass friends. This year friends really stepped up with being rad to me, and that I got to meet a bunch of cool new people and reconnect with others I fell out with is pretty sweet, too. Good job, all (pat, pat).
4) the luck of the apartment. Certainly, having a new pad is a huge part of why things don't seem so shitty. It's surprising what more light and space (and less moisture and mold) can do for a girl. I still can't keep plants alive in my tropical nest, but at least I could grow plants just outside my door without worrying about the crackheads down the street stealing them. And my shoes are contained.

Granted, I've also become the kind of person who has a fridge full of beer (current inventory: 10 large bottles, 8 small bottles and 4 cans of cheap stuff leftover from Christmas (the plan really worked! They drank the cheap stuff happily until the clamato ran out; then they stopped drinking), but it is a small price to pay for a pleasant existence.

Maybe I'm still feeling the love from "Night At The Museum." I went to see it with Tangiene last night and it was better than I anticipated. As a couple asked us when we were leaving, "Are you also surprised that that was better than you thought it would be?" Sure, it was a little hokey in parts and some of the plot was a bit weak and too family-oriented for my tastes, but still... Mickey Rooney had some hilarious lines (said guy we talked to afterwards: "I didn't even know he was still alive? And maybe he wasn't...") and even Robin Williams was tolerable. What I want to know is...

How is it Owen Wilson was in town to film it and I never got any sort of a phone call about it? I mean, even though he's my fake boyfriend he should have still made an effort. Fucker.

Last night when I got home I talked to another friend who, earlier, sent an email saying he had good and bad news for me. When we talked, he started with the bad and I think it's time to pull out the soapbox as I relay the info. The bad news (the worst news): on Christmas Day two of his close friends were killed by a hit-and-run drunk driver. The guy who crashed into them was a 21-year-old who had about 10 beers and was on his way to buy more when he drove through an intersection and slammed into the car. The two other people in my friend's friend's car were in the front seat and survived, but the two in the back did not. One was 33, the other was 26.

I bring this up specifically because I want you all to have a safe New Years tonight. Just don't even leave your house if you can help it. I'll be holed up in my house, watching '80s teen movies, eating appetizers and drinking beer. I expect you to have more fun than me, but I want to see you back here tomorrow. Got it?

Happy New Year, dear friends, and all the warmest wishes for 2007.

Currently reading :
I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence
By Amy Sedaris
Release date: 16 October, 2006

this is the end

Current mood: distracted

I hate New Years. It is, consistently, one of the worst holidays for me. Even worse than Hallowe'en. The last few years, especially, I've been stuck at house parties of people I don't know, brought along by my sister, who feels I shouldn't stay home to watch movies because that's sad and pathetic. But watching strangers make-out is so much better.

So this year I'm not planning anything. I might just ride the bus around town, drinking booze from pop bottles and eating an assortment of appetizers tucked into my pocket, and popping in to see friends who didn't want to make plans either. It could be fun...

On the upside, Friday the 13th is generally a great day for me, and one is coming up in January.

I read a recap of entertainment events of the year and re-read the Sony payola problem. And then I wondered...

Why do I not own "China Boys" by the Payola$?!

Currently reading:
Kids Can Knit: Fun and Easy Projects for Small Knitters
By Carolyn Clewer
Release date: October, 2003

new fiction

Current mood: mildly amused

I was inputing some new titles into the system when this gem popped up:
Amish Country Crossroads
It looks to be an Amish romance. Which leads me to wonder... what, exactly, constitutes romance when they aren't even allowed naughty thoughts, let alone any physical touch or knowing glances?

Currently reading:
Life's a Bitch: The Bitchy Bitch Chronicles
By Roberta Gregory
Release date: 31 July, 2005

post-ho ho

Another Christmas survived.

All in all, a basic haul: gift cards mainly. I am OK with gift cards; they are practical and not as time-sensitive as returning something. I've basically blown the annual Christmas money from my dad with very little to show for it. I should have just concentrated on finding shoes.

Today I attempted to go to an electronics store for something and waited in line for 20 minutes. Decided I didn't really need to be in a store this week. Also went to Scratch briefly, but couldn't remember anything I wanted to buy, so will likely miss out on the 20% off sale this week. Crap. Though A&B Sound has a 30% off sale on DVDs and CDs starting tomorrow, so, theoretically, I can still find some cheap crap. Do I need cheap crap? Likely no.

Good things from the holidays:
1) Slept in until 9am at least two mornings
2) Got to see my parents
3) Have leftover perogies in my fridge and more in the freezer (score!)
4) Didn't work for 3 whole days
5) Got to talk to my friend from London while she was in the country
6) "Pretty In Pink" DVD!

Miraculously, I didn't fight with my family, though was getting short with them by Tuesday (I'm so difficult) for a short spell. My apartment is surprisingly awesome for visitors. I didn't even mind not being able to sit on my futon for the duration. Also, my dining room table is sweet. The combo of dining room table and dishwasher made the whole multiple dinners thing really easy. My mom's deal: she makes the dinners, I clean them up. I may consider applications for dinners at my home.

I have to get to sleep.

Happy New Year, if I don't see you before Sunday.

Currently listening :
The Avalanche: Outtakes & Extras from the Illinois Album
By Sufjan Stevens
Release date: 11 July, 2006

mistaken identity, part 2

At work I saw a listing for one Don Kerr, who will be talking about a new book in January. I thought it was drummer extraordinaire Don Kerr of Rheostatics and Ron Sexsmith fame. I searched websites to confirm. It looked likely, as the Don Kerr I thought it was has a new book out. It wasn't until I did an advanced search that I discoverd the Don Kerr in question was not the same that I thought it was. This was disappointing. I will not see Don Kerr speak about his new book.

The holiday doldrums have set in. Last night I got home from trying to shop for gifts (didn't really work; still have many people to buy for, though they will just have to think I'm unthoughtful instead because I give up) with my sister and bro-in-law and felt really low. This lowness had more to do with feeling alone than feeling depressed, but I suppose at a certain point it's hard to distinguish the difference.

I always expect people to think about me as much as I think about them and it almost never happens. It is a set-up for emotional disaster. This year I gave up almost completely on trying to outreach with Christmas cards. They're on my floor awaiting addressing, yet I'm not sure I will get to them; an early 2007 letter sounds like a better option right now. It's hard to be wordy when you're feeling sort of crappy.

Unrelated, one of the ladies at work, who has been known to tell people in an absentminded way that they're fat, told me I look like I've lost weight. Sadly, no one told my belly because it's still there.

Back to work. Groan. More news as it unfolds.

If I don't say it before, Merry Christmas to you all. I hope your holiday is a good one.

Currently reading :
My Life in France
By Julia Child
Release date: 04 April, 2006

cuckoos and tutus

On the bus coming home from work yesterday a man sat a few rows back, talking loudly to himself. He was having a two-sided conversation with sudden outbursts of, "I don't like your tone! Stop talking!" The Korean couple ahead of him stopped talking, thinking he was talking to them, uncomfortably nervous as they tried to avoid eye contact. After a while, it became apparent that the conversation was his own and the comments addressed to one of the various voices in his conversation. I felt sad that I didn't know what to do for him, if there was anything to do. Then again, I don't know that he knew there was something unusual about his situation.

Earlier I was on the bus while a woman started talking to people around her, trying to pick fights because they weren't Native (her word) and didn't know about Native issues. She actually got into a man's face, threatening to slit his throat because he didn't know how to treat Natives and needed to be taught a lesson. He was nothing but polite, saying she sounded very angry and he could understand how frustrating it must be to be overlooked by society, and she faked a punch towards his face, trying to make him flinch. It was so odd. His friends quickly pulled the bell and got off with him, so she went after a couple who were sitting at the very back, talking to each other quietly. She interrupted and tried to do the same to them. The woman, though, told her she was being rude, that they were having a conversation and to leave them alone. The Native woman started swearing at them, saying they were the rude ones trying to keep Natives down. The couple moved towards the door and the woman slid into their seats, continuing to talk loudly to no one in particular.

I don't like talking to people on transit. Avoiding eye contact is always the best plan.

Last evening Tangiene and I watched part of The Nutcracker on PBS. I usually love watching The Nutcracker ballet, mainly because I like "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" and a few others. But I wasn't a huge fan of this particular production at Covent Gardens. Sloppy choreography, unsynced dancers, a dull lead dancer as Clara... Really, nothing will ever be as good as watching it at the Auditorium in Chicago for $10.

Yet I still liked watching because I am fascinated by the male dancers. Do they wear a cup? If so, how do they ensure it doesn't slip while jumping around? The leg/ass muscles are what draw me in, but the bulge is what keeps me watching. I sometimes compare the sizes of the bulges because there must be different sizes of cups, depending on the... ahem... size of the goods. The lead male kept changing... uh... shape during the performance, so I'm not sure he had a cup on or not.

The thing about watching a ballet on TV is the closeups. Normally you wouldn't be able to see the finer points of the dancers, but with TV you see it all. So you can see that Clara is actually a 35-year-old woman with crow's feet and that the men have more eyeliner on than a drag queen. It ruins the magic, but is the price to pay to be able to compare cup sizes.

Yesterday I walked past the CBC pit and a crow sat on a fence beside the sidewalk. I was a foot away and it watched me without flying away. I think they're starting to like me. My friend Christine got me a signed (addressed to me!) photo of Ian Handsomemanthing. It's pretty rad. Did you see the thing Shaun Majumder did on "22 Minutes" as Ian Hanomansing as he hit on Claire Martin?

Currently listening :
Christmas in Stereo
By Various Artists
Release date: 20 November, 1999

the cats of mirikitani

I've just returned home from seeing "The Cats of Mirikitani" at the Vancouver International Film Centre on Seymour at Davie. I tell you this because I expect you to go see it before it finishes on the 22nd. It is one of the most hopeful, inspiring films I've seen in a long time and is such an amazing lesson in compassion and understanding.

My friend Justin told me about this film in the fall. From what he described, I was instantly interested in the film, just because it sounded so intriguing. His mentor/friend Roger Shimomura took him to the opening in New York because Roger is in the film and is a friend of Jimmy Mirikitani's, the Mirikitani in the film's title. Since the opening Justin has been visiting Jimmy on a weekly basis, so I had a special incentive to see more about the people he speaks of.

The director, Linda Hattendorf, looks like such an amazing person. As soon as I got home from the screening I sent her an email. I don't expect a response, but felt compelled to draw parallels between my mother's past and Jimmy's, though his has much more sorrow and loss than my mother's. I wish she could see it because she is so reluctant to talk about her life in the Old Country and I hope she would be able to talk more openly.

My grandparents, every time I see them, talk non-stop about the time before and during WWII. For years I tried to get them to talk and they wouldn't. Now it seems as though they need to get it all out at once. My sister visited them this fall for their 70th anniversary and had never heard them speak about anything so much before. I think, in that time, it was the first time she really understood our grandparents and the reason for the years of hardness. I worry they will soften too much before I can get back to talk to them more.

Back to the initial point: go see this film. Please. It will make your heart cry, yet will fill you up with warming comfort and hope. Everyone can use a little hope.

i don't like mondays

Of note today (at least in my mind):

Just saw a commercial about... something (I wasn't paying attention)... but it involved Ellen DeGeneres interacting with a bunch of animals around her set. The thing that killed me was that a raccoon held up a makeup brush and then the shot panned to Ellen. Her eyes were black-rimmed. This was hilarious.

Lately I've been feeling wacked out at work. It has felt weird that I'm there so often, especially since the whole place is chaos right now because people are changing schedules and leaving for other divisions. It is not the comforting, easy job it was just 6 months ago, and I mourn the loss of that old feeling. Thank goodness I get a couple days off to host my family in a confined space. So relaxing.

Dawn from "The Office" (UK) is on the new Matthew Perry show. It has made me laugh out loud. It is weird to see Dawn using a different name and not making out with Tim. This show is going to get cancelled and it will make me sad.

I was going to tell you something else. What was it? Crap, I can't remember. It was amusing, though.

A week before Christmas and I still haven't started my Christmas cards. I suspect I'll be aiming for New Years. Sorry in advance for not sending a card sooner. Or at all.

Just 6 days to clear out my storage closet of all the empties piled up in there. I suspect it would concern my parents to see that many empty alcohol bottles in my possession. And I might have to just accept that I can't drink all the beer in my fridge and just declare it off limits to those taking over my home.

One of my blog subscriptions includes Chris, drummer of Paper Moon and generally hilarious guy. Today's entry? Bril. Read about Chris' new job and get 911 ready on speed dial to deal with the exploding side issue you will soon have.

Currently reading :
Holidays on Ice: Stories
By David Sedaris
Release date: 01 November, 1998

mistaken identity

Today I got an email in my junk mail of an old email account that I check with some regularity. I was interested in it because it suggested the name K.A. Denike. I immediately thought of my first year of university, when one of my only friends (for the first couple months, at least) was one Kari Denike from Cochran, Alberta.

Kari stayed at university just one year and we stayed in touch for a couple of years after that. Sometime in my third or fourth year we sort of stopped writing. She had gone to Australia for a year and met "the one" or something, and later decided to go to University of Calgary for a nursing degree. I would see her sister every so often around campus, but eventually stopped seeing her, too. You know, things happen.

Nothing for 10 years.

Then two emails in my junk mail in the old email account I check every so often. With the other recent reconnections I thought it's possible she found me somehow. I mean, my sister's ex-boyfriend from New Zealand tracked down this same email account when I was living in Japan. Stranger things could happen.

Then I opened the first email. It was at that time I realised that it wasn't Kari Denike from Cochran, Alberta. It was someone from the Collingwood Elvis Fan Club in Ontario, home of the biggest Elvis tribute concerts in North America. My disappointment was great, I assure you, for a variety of reasons. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm back to worrying about Christmas and getting "things" done for it. I'm not entirely sure what things I'm thinking of, but there are things to be done. Cards. Uh... baking? Parties to attend. Drinking to do. Things.

christmas means giving

I found out last night that my family is coming to stay at my house for Christmas. My mom is sort of funny about these things because she called and asked what was happening for Christmas. I said I hadn't talked to my sister (the car-owner, meaning my ride home) so wasn't sure. Then Mom launches into the plan.

Actually, she precursors it by telling me that my friend's mom called to see if I needed a ride home because her son is coming home and could give me a ride. (I decided long ago that that would not be happening for a number of reasons, none of which I can go into now, but let's just say 4.5 hours in a car with him will not happen.) Then she says she talked to my sister and Anita asked if they could come down because her husband is working on Christmas Eve and Day, and wants to be able to have both Christmas traditions. It didn't even sound like it was a hard sell.

What all this means is a few things:
1) My parents and my older brother are staying at my house for a few days, apparently because my house is "bigger" than my sister's, which is surprising since she lives in the suburbs and I, well, don't.
2) I get a traditional Christmas Eve with perogies and pokousel (we could never figure out how to spell it, but it is all kinds of awesome) without the 4.5 hour car ride over the scary mountain highway. And I get leftovers!
3) In theory, I could pull out the china I've been trying to collect, though I might have only five place settings and there could be 6 of us. I don't care; I'm eating on it if we use it. There is one that isn't like the others (I'm mixing the sets so they aren't all matchy-matchy), so that one is mine.
4) I can use the china because I suspect we will be doing all the cooking and eating here, since I now own and have set up my grandparents' dining table set and have about a million chairs scattered around the house (14 that could be used for table seating, I believe). My sister is doing Christmas Day at her inlaws and I think my parents are reluctant to spend another Christmas Day with them because they are a fairly (let's say) graphic family.
5) I have to finish unpacking or figure out how to readjust the stuff stored in my closets to make it look like I'm not avoiding the contents because my parents enjoy telling me how messy I am, even though this home is significantly better maintained than the last, where I was miserable because it was like living in a cellar.
6) I'm going to have to go to confession because we're going to the cathedral downtown for Christmas Eve (my mom was really excited when I asked if she wanted to go there), so no more being naughty this month once I haul my bum in to pour out my recent sins to a virgin.

I am not a huge fan of the holiday season in general, so this is the best-case scenario, having Christmas come to me. In all honesty, I was ready to stay home and eat Chinese take-out alone this year, but this means I get to see my parents and pick up a couple of presents instead. This is a better plan than bellyaches.

I just realised I have to hide my beer or have my brother drink it all. Guh. There's no way I'm going to drink it all before Christmas. My liver needs a break.

Currently listening :
69 Love Songs, Pt. 1
By Magnetic Fields
Release date: 07 September, 1999

i heart beer

Seriously, what are the signs of an alcoholic?

My Secret Santa at work gave me three bottles of delicious ('cause I've had it before) cherry Belgian beer, and later informed me that he meant to get me the raspberry one because it is gorgeous, but the store of liquor was all out. And I immediately thought about searching where I could get it online (because that's a feature on the BC Liquor Store website).

After work I went to Six Acres for beer to celebrate being done school and to celebrate my friend's second-last day at work. I started with a Leffe (a yummy Belgian blonde I had for my birthday) and progressed to a Demon (Czech and so easy to drink). Feeling tipsy, I caught the bus to the store of liquor to buy some beer for a party I'm about to go to. I bought an enormous bottle of La Fin du Monde (a Quebec beer in an enormous corked bottle) and another Demon (economical at $2.24 a 500ml bottle). I think I'll leave the Demon at home, along with the crisper full of local microbrew that I like to keep on hand, just in case. (The regular supply of Strongbow was consumed on Wednesday when my friend came over to watch a video. I didn't feel like replacing it this evening.)

Tomorrow I'll be drinking because it's my friend's last day of work. And I had made tenative plans with various people to drink next week. Seriously, I shouldn't be as much of a lightweight as I seem to be. Like, after 1.5L of beer I shouldn't be feeling this tipsy. I've been practicing and everything.

Currently listening :
My Way or the Highway
By Tuscadero
Release date: 14 April, 1998

put a fork in it

In my hands right now I am holding my last assignment for this semester. It's a CD-RW with cover art, a brochure design and a database burned on it. Just have to take a trip out to campus and it will be out of my hands. Yea.

Truthfully, I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I actually kind of liked this assignment once I started working on it (which was actually Tuesday night), and I could have easily gotten it done last week if I hadn't whined about it for so long. It's still going to be submitted a day early, so that's something. And it means I could, technically, go see my friends' band play tonight and have some booze, as per their requests. Will see how the day goes.

I have to admit, though: I did drink some last night. Friend was over to watch a crappy video and I drank some Strongbow. MMMmmmm...Strongbow. I wonder if being done with it all this semester will make me drink more or less. What else am I going to do with all this extra time?

Oh, right. Get ready for Christmas.

Which reminds me... Today is the holiday tea at work. I'm going in with Tupperware (you think I'm kidding; I'm not) and will steal away treats when people aren't looking. I meant to bake some cookies, but will maybe see how things go on my way back from campus, since I have to go to the shop either way. I wanted to make chewy chocolate bites; still might. I could also just go shopping for stuff, like some pants or shoes, as a reward for finally getting through this semester. That sounds like a good plan.

Sneeze attack.

Also wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been so supportive these last few months, even though I've been a farily negligent friend in return. I've got a month to make it up to you. I really appreciated all the kind comments and messages.

My counter suggests my page has been viewed 3000 times. That's nuts. Who are you people? How did you find me?

Currently listening :
The Coast Is Never Clear
By Beulah
Release date: 11 September, 2001

let's go, oilers

Last night Darcy mentioned that the Oilers were playing the Canucks. I suggested we try to get scalped tickets in the second or third period if he really wanted to go. So we made our way to GM Place and saw one guy there selling tickets. The guy started off at $40 each for upper, upper nosebleeds. After humming and hawing and my almost walking away, the guy dropped it to $30 each. Darcy thought that was worth it, so we got the tickets and went in.

It was at the end of the second period, so I surveyed the lower reds to see if there were empty seats. I talked him into going to a row with a few empty seats, but he was a bit uncomfortable. What's the worst that can happen? We have to move? So I took off my coat, got comfortable, and waited for the third period.

Did anyone see the game last night? It wasn't the most exciting game, largely because the Oilers played and the Canucks didn't. It was 3-0 for the Oilers going into the third, so it wasn't like we could be disappointed. But the Oilers scored another goal and we got to cheer and it was pretty darn fun to be there and watch scores of people walk out with 5 minutes left in the third.

I think it's time to check out the UBC T-Birds schedule to see when the University of Alberta Golden Bears are playing. It's guaranteed to be a fast game. And in the winter I kind of miss Edmonton.

Next up for the rest of the week: seriously work on that fricking database that I keep talking about and not working on. Frick.

Currently listening :
Owl & the Pussycat
By Owl & the Pussycat
Release date: 18 February, 2003

totally crushed out

The cute boy at Blenz was very nice to me yesterday. I waited in line with my friend and he called around a woman at the counter to ask what I wanted. Then he made small talk, asking how my day was going, giving me some quality smiling/eye time. I caught him semi-staring at me while I waited for my hot chocolate. He is barely past the embryonic state (likely around 19, if that) and not at all interested in me, but it was my crush for the day. The green of his shirt illuminated him.

I left an unfortunate message on my friend's answering service last evening after feeling the weight of my world crashing around me. This self-sabotage frustrates me because I know I'm setting myself up to be rejected by someone I care about and, yet, want to know where I stand. I haven't heard back, but am pretty sure I've fucked up another friendship with my neuroses. Why can't my stupid brain stop trying to ruin my life for one minute?

"So I'll take the pins out of the doll. I'll take the darts out of the wall. I'm just so nice now, I'm not like before. I don't think of hurting you much anymore."

Rose Melberg is my patron saint of heartbreak.

Currently listening :
Go Sailor EP
By Go Sailor
Release date: 13 August, 1996

snow flurries expected this weekend in new orleans

I'm skipping school today so I can instead spend the entire day working on homework. I think this is OK with the prof as well; she sent an email saying she would be taking the bus to campus, but if others felt it put them in harm's way then we should not go to class. I think, in my case, harm's way is wasting 6 hours of class and travel time for something that isn't going to help me get my homework done. So I'm not going to. Plus three degrees or not, it's going to be ugly out there.

Yesterday I was in a miserable mood. I went into work early to try to get my laptop all set up, finally, with Office Pro so I can work on Access at home or work instead of treking to school to do it. This, at some point, required registering online, which I haven't been able to work out at home. So I got into work at 7:10am and, once setting up, realised that the library's wifi doesn't run while the library is closed. Groan. This agitated me as I tried to figure out if it was my computer or the library. After a consultation with one of my library comrades, I decided to try it later in the day.

Worked for 4 hours, but can't complain about that. I like working in Acquisitions.

Then the trip to UBC, which was pretty helacious. I waited for 30 minutes for the bus, endured the ridiculous 45 minute bus ride to campus (seriously, from downtown? Do you really NEED to drive 30km/h?), and was a couple minutes late for my class that wound up being about 35 minutes long. I left immediately after and waited in the 99 B-line lineup with 400 other people. The bus never came and I started making phone calls to figure out what was going on. Finally after 30 minutes of waiting I took a different bus that was well away from downtown. As we pulled away from the loop 4 B-lines came down the street. Grrr. Eventually I transferred to a bus that took me downtown. Total wait/travel time: 1 hour, 45 minutes in one direction. My feet were near-frozen by the time I got to work.

Decided to work on the computer stuff. I think it's all working now. It will remain at work a few extra days, just in case. At least there I can get some of my computer-savvy friends to work on it to prevent me from throwing it over the balcony.

I had plans to see "Stranger Than Fiction" with one of my newer work friends so tried to be less abrasive for the duration of that. I really liked that movie, though I'm not sure it changed my life the way others have said it would. It did make me wonder what I would change about my life if I knew I was going to die. Though I suppose we all know we're going to die; just don't know when. I do know I'm sometimes terrified to live a more interesting life, to take chances on stuff, because I don't want to deal with the rejection or failure. Were I not so sensitive to pain I suppose my life could be different.

Post-movie I went back to work to try to get a start on one of the essays. I managed to get most of a page done, so just have two more pages to write and to ensure my resource binder is organised in an appropriate way and readjust my table of contents and buy some tab pages to divide the whole thing up for future reference. I am hopeful that this will be done today. I am also hopeful that I can get one, probably two, unlikely but possibly the three essays done for my take-home exam.

I'll go into work once I finish making beans and rice and once "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is done. It's at my favourite time, when Mag Wildwood comes into the party. "A thumping bore." It always makes me feel better, hopeful, no matter what is happening in my ridiculous life. Well, unless I'm horrifyingly depressed; then it just makes me cry. But that isn't how it's going down now, so it's making me feel better.

Fingers crossed.

Currently watching :
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Release date: 10 April, 2001

just a moment

I neglected to mention yesterday...

In the morning I rode the bus to school. Usually I look out the window or stare at nothing. I managed to get a seat early on, about 3 or 4 stops in. Somewhere on 4th a group of people got on. I happened to glance up and saw a cute guy with a nice coat looking at me. I looked at him. He still looked at me. I put the pleasant face on. He did the same. Then we both looked away.

As more people got on the bus, he moved closer to me down the aisle. He brushed so close to me that his coat caught on my arm, opening up slightly at the bottom, a connection of wool on wool. I didn't move it; neither did he. We stayed like that for a few stops.

Eventually he got pushed down slightly from me, just behind me. He let people push by him instead of moving further into the bus. When people pushed by, he pushed into my shoulder. It was a comforting push, not mean or trying to avoid. Just nice.

After a while I thought about how this could possibly play out. We both get off the bus and go our separate ways? We both get off and have an awkward moment? We both get off and one of us waits expectantly for the other to get off? No, none of the scenarios seemed right. It was at that moment that I saw his arm reach for the cord. The ding broke my heart.

He pressed into me again, for no reason I could tell, and rested his hand on the pole behind my head. I could feel the warmth of his hand on my neck. As the bus lurched to a stop, it felt like he paused before stepping down, that moment where I could have said, "Don't go," or, "Wait for me." Instead, I stayed on the bus, trying not to look at him, to not have to see him walk away. I couldn't help it, of course. I looked. I saw him glance back when he reached the sidewalk, an over-the-shoulder look right at me. And off he walked towards a thatch of trees, the sway of the black jacket my last memory of him.

Love affairs on the bus always end badly. Especially when you're dealing with me.

Currently reading :
Windows XP For Dummies, 2nd Edition
By Andy Rathbone
Release date: 08 October, 2004

burnout (cont.)

I was meant to do homework tonight after school, but just couldn't. I came home and laid on the couch for a while and talked on the phone. Talking on the phone is only good when you don't get bad news. I got a little bad news, but then got good talking time in with a few of my favourite people, so that kind of makes up for the bad news.

This Friday is my self-imposed deadline for my homework to be done, but I still have an essay, a take-home exam and a database to do. I am not a fan of school right now and I'm not sure how to make myself want to do this crap. Will try again tomorrow.

Today I turned on my heat for the first time this year. I feel like a wimp. It is only at the lowest setting, though, so maybe it isn't so bad. It's only until it gets closer to zero. It's supposed to snow again on Thursday. Ugh. Need boots.

Holy cow, so boring today. I'm going to bed.

Currently watching :
Belle Epoque
Release date: 20 May, 2003

let it snow

Puffs of fluffy snow are swirling around outside my window. It makes me think of the opposite of the black dirt mites from "Tonari no Totoro"; by opposite, I mean the colour, obviously. I was happy to see very few people this morning, but was ticked off that I had to pay $3 to use a different bank machine because the college I usually go to to use my bank machine was closed. UBC is also closed because of a campus-wide power outage; I'm sort of hoping it stays closed tomorrow so I can catch up with my homework and not have to go to class.

Vancouver is hilarious when it comes to snow. People called in sick today because they didn't want to ride the bus. One said she waited 20 minutes for a bus and they were all full, so she went back home for the day. It isn't bad at all out there. The sidewalk at work has been salted and it's cold enough that the slush is almost crunchy. I am not empathetic to those who complain about how hard it was to get in today. Seriously, there's barely any snow.

I'm more concerned with robots. It's days like this that really put the whole operation in jeopardy. They're waiting for us to show weakness, and letting snow stop you is an obvious sign of weakness.

Currently reading :
How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion
By Daniel H. Wilson
Release date: 13 October, 2005

winnie-approved

It's blustery outside right now. The snow is coming in at a 38' angle from the north. I could smell it on the mountains when I walked to the bus this morning (the mountains are covered with the stuff) and someone mentioned there was a chance we could get some today. And here it is.

Black ice in New West and Burnaby. Eek.

I wish I had some warm mittens and ear muffs to make this more enjoyable. I don't like being cold.

light ride

Yesterday morning I walked from work to Howe, and at Seymour and Robson I was stopped at the light. While waiting for the light to change, I looked down the street and happened to notice a large deer-shaped light thing. You know what I mean: a Christmas decoration, only big with lights. Anyway, I first noticed the deer thing and thought it was weird to see with no matching friends or superficial decorations around it to make it not look completely out of place, and then saw a guy riding a bike. This was sort of strange because the bike was stationary, bolted down on a raised platform with a canopy overhead, with an extension cord of some sort leading from the bike to the deer thing. It was at this point that I realised the advertisement behind the platform/bike/deer thing was for Power Smart. I suspect someone is paid to ride the bike to light the deer thing. I wonder how much a gig like that pays.

After work yesterday a few of us went for a couple drinks at the PubHo. I really like my co-workers a lot and am sad that things are changing around work. My friend is starting school in January, so is giving up her full-time hours, which means she probably won't be working on our floor very often. Another threatens to leave regularly because only a few of us are reason enough to stay. While the floor I regularly work on has loads of fun, interesting people, it's always those few that really make it worthwhile. I worry that they will leave and I will be stuck with people that don't talk.

On the upside, tonight I'm going to a Library Assistant party with co-workers that I haven't talked to very much (they are dilligent workers) that should be fun. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with the bridesmaids after work for roast beast dinner at the one's I adore. (Did I mention I adore one of the bridesmaids? Because I do. She and the husband of the high maintenance honourary bridesmaid and the sardonic groomsman are the reasons I didn't go nuts at the wedding.) I am in charge of buns.

My alarm has gone off, so I suppose I should get on with the day.

Currently listening :
Things Fall Apart
By The Roots
Release date: 23 February, 1999

on target

Just home from a marathon day.

Woke up around 5:30, which was OK since I went to bed at 10pm last night. Left for work around 7:30 so I could get some money and buy some water (since we still can't drink from the tap). Worked a four-hour shift in Acquisitions and learned a couple of new things. Went to my regular floor to try to start on homework, but was distracted and wound up MSNing with my friend for, like, an hour or more. Guh. By the time I finally started on my homework I was desperate to get something done.

Wound up getting inspired and wrote an entire paper all at once (it was only 1400 words plus references, but still) and got through most of the second assignment that I've been unwilling to complete. I suspect it will be done tomorrow, which is nice because I hate it and think it's sort of pointless. I also loaded part of that assignment on my group's wiki with full annotations of references, so that's another part that is mostly done; just have a couple other things to add to my part and submit a couple of sentences for the group part, and that is another thing done.

Tomorrow I will also start on the last of the essay assignments, with any luck. I suspect I will also hate that particular assignment, but that is of little consequence right now. I've got my eye on the prize. I enquired today how long it would take to design a database and my friend said it took her about 30 hours. Um.... OK. That is longer than I want it to take. I like things that can be completed in one day. Databases... not so much. So I really have to get these other assignments out of the way so I can start on the database and get my exam done well before they're both due. I wanted to be done by the 1st; that's a week ahead of the last due date.

You see how exciting I am with this school stuff? Totally fun, I am.

Actually, on the bus ride home, I happened to see my French friend Fabrice, whom I haven't seen and barely talked to in months. It was nice to catch up a little, and we wound up heading to the Foundation for a bite and a beer (Quebec big bottle, something that started with a M). I decided to head home as soon as he tried to convince me to introduce him to my single girlfriends because he wants a girlfriend still. Explaining that I hate it when my friends date did not dissuade him, unfortunately.

I am beat. Off to slumber.

Currently listening :
Out of the Loop
By I Am the World Trade Center
Release date: 17 July, 2001

bottom of the rock

This morning I couldn't get out of bed. This means I missed my 9am class. By 11:45 I realised the afternoon class wouldn't be happening either. There was nothing that was going to get me out of that bed. Nothing. It was so nice being curled up under the comforter and deciding I didn't need to get out from under it.

There is some concern that I've hit rock-bottom and my motivation really has gone to a new low. But I'm sure I'll bounce back by tomorrow.

I don't feel as bad about skipping school as I probably should. I just really wanted a personal day to do some stuff I wanted/needed to do. Lazing around, talking to my friend, doing laundry, making a quiche... These things seemed like better options than riding the bus at 7:45am, 6 hours of class, and another 4 hours at work doing homework. I'm sure this will bite me in the ass, since I'm already feeling like I'm not going to get everything done on time. (I suspect this is just me worrying because I haven't even been procrastinating yet this semester.) Had I planned for today I would have scheduled a haircut. But I didn't. And I suspect this is OK.

It's amazing how far away two weeks feels. I still have 4 assignments and a take-home exam to do and only one is started. But I'm not going to think of this today. I'm going to change my laundry and eat some quiche and pay some bills and maybe watch a movie.

Currently listening :
Hit the Floor!
By You Say Party! We Say Die!
Release date: 24 January, 2006

night of the living dead (which totally isn't possible)

I'm trying desperately to not burn the shit out of my tongue on the Neo Citran I've mixed up. Tonight I tried to go to bed without taking anything cold mediciney, but it is 1:30am and my sleeping has been poor. The night before I tried Nyquil for the first time in 9 years and, I have to say, did not have the best night ever. There's something about cold remedies that make me hallucinate. On Nyquil I was making a table of contents of my cold symptoms and what certain head positions alleviated which symptoms. It was maddening.

Neo Citran usually clears me up enough to fall asleep, but it also sometimes does me wrong. Perhaps it's the fact that it's 80% sugar. Why must drug companies use so much sugar in their drugs? It's not like I'm going to use it more because it tastes good. My tastebuds normally have seen finer days during illnesses.

Well, that's not entirely true. I was out for my friend's birthday for a bit and partway through the evening concocted a plan with a couple other friends to go to the one's house to eat chocolate mousse cake, the very same type of cake my friend got me at work for my birthday. He also tempted at least one other friend with promises of clean water coffee (which is more tempting than you would think. Vancouver has been hit with a drinking water ban because of the excessive rainwater causing mud slides, which has caused turmoil in the reservoirs, which means bad things like e.coli and a tonne of silt have gotten active and made their way into the water, which is why my tap water is still a shade of yellow/brown. None of the chain coffee shops have been making coffee the last few days because they don't have facilities to boil water for the minute it takes to stop the contamination, so people have been a bit zombie-ish because they can't get coffee anywhere except for the small shops that don't really care about the water colour). So off we went to his tony area of town, where the water is slightly off-clear because rich people deserve a better water supply.

The cake was yummy. And I had a little coffee, though a large amount of milk in that. Maybe that's the problem: the coffee. I didn't feel particularly wired when I got home, but maybe I'm retarded for thinking coffee wouldn't affect me. Hmmm...

Well, anyway. Here I am, almost done my Neo Citran, wondering if I should take a couple swigs of the horrid cinnamon schnapps in my cupboard that I've tried foisting on visitors ("Hey, before we start drinking all my beer, wanna shot of cinnamon schapps? Burns good!"). Maybe I'll just huff some Vicks Vapostuff and be done with it. That's some good shit.

Oh, the water I used for my Neococktail is bottled water. In an unprecedented smart move, I bought a huge bottle of water on the first night of the water ban. Yesterday almost everywhere around work was out of water..... Were I thinking better, I would have bought a few.

I'm off to await the sleep.

Currently reading :
The Pig and the Skyscraper: Chicago: A History of Our Future
By Marco D'Eramo
Release date: October, 2003

cold fx me to better health

Cough, cough.

I am starting to get an uncomfortable feeling in my throat, as though a cold or something is trying to imbed itself there, causing a lot of throat clearing and ocassional coughing. I hate this feeling, the fighting of illness, especially when I can't really do much about it.

Things are due, work needs working, birthday parties require going-to. I don't have time to get sick. So I refuse to. You hear that, body? I'm not going to get sick. End of discussion.

Maybe I should splurge for the big bottle of Cold FX. Or maybe someone can bring a PST-free one or two from Alberta so I can pay the someone back and have a backstock of it. Regardless, I have to do something quick. I can't have showers constantly until it goes away on its own. And I am not a big fan of hot lemon and honey drinks. The cat tongue problem...

OK, I'm starting to get a little freaked out. This morning I got an email from a friend from university whom I haven't spoken to for about 6 years, since I visited when I was still living in Japan. It wasn't a completely disasterous visit, but I wound up spending most of it alone because her boyfriend at the time wouldn't let her do stuff with me unless he came as well, but didn't have any money so wanted me to pay for all of us to do stuff. So it could have been better. Anyway, we haven't talked in 6 years and today I got an email from her. Not a bad email; just a feeler email, testing the water. I was so glad to get it, as I thought she hated me (this seems to be a constant, doesn't it?). But it is creepy that these reconnections are happening at the same time. It makes me worry that something terrible is going to happen to me or someone I care about.

Granted, I did have a blow-up with another friend because I don't learn from my mistakes very well, but that shouldn't have brought this karmic reconnecting. It's a whole different level of weird.

Had a short discussion with my friend that when things are going well we always brace for the bad things to start. Like I can't believe that good things just happen without consequences. He is the same, but will often sabotage himself before karma kicks his ass. Me, I tend to like to wait it out and see how cruel and creative karma can be. Regardless, it's probably a bad view of life, the waiting for bad things to happen. But with this sort of expectation you're never surprised. I'm only surprised when good things happen.

Cough, cough. Maybe the cold is the payback.

Currently listening :
Woman Is the Fuehrer of the World
By The Pop Tarts
Release date: 22 September, 1998

the deal with boys?

I retract my statement about JJ Jellybean.

This morning I discovered that a friend that stopped speaking to me in February was signed on to IM. Surprised, I sent a tenative message to see if he was really there because I couldn't believe it. (I haven't seen him on since we stopped talking. Ever.) We wound up IMing for quite a while, catching up a little bit, getting some stuff sorted out and in the open. It was a relief, really, on top of being pretty exciting. I've missed him so much, yet resigned myself to the fact that we probably would never speak again. It sounded like he was feeling the same way, and perhaps moreso lately. So now we've made a pact to try to talk regularly again and I hope it happens. I'm not a fan of losing people I care about. And I especially hate losing the same person more than once.

This fall has been strange for me with boys. Men, if you prefer. All kinds of unexpected surprises, these boys. Now I just need to start getting declarations of love from the boys I had crushes on from the time I was 12 to complete the circle. Can't explain what changed because I'm not convinced it's me. Distraction seems to be somehow attractive, I guess.

Oh, I'm so super excited because Darcy will be visiting in just a few weeks! Good times! It will be just before the very end of school, when classes are done and just two assignments need finishing (though I'm hoping to be done by then). Haven't gotten tickets to the show he wants to see (they didn't have them at Scratch, D.), so will need to figure this out somehow soon or get my ass kicked.

I am also starting to adore a few of my classmates, much more than I thought I would. So close to being friends outside of school, too. Making friends as an adult is pretty satisfying.

Currently listening :
Universal Audio
By The Delgados
Release date: 28 September, 2004

le rock out

Went to Bonnie "Prince" Billy last night with Rachel and Nathan, a rare night out with the both of them sans le bebe. I spent a little dancing time with Augie beforehand, which was pretty rad. He's an amusing little kid and it's fun that he responds when I ask him stuff. Little man, he is. Now that he's talking a bit more, I'm going to have to start convincing him to say my name. We did some high fives, so he's on the way to being an appropriate rock out friend. Maybe we should discuss having a dance party since he busts out some hot moves for a 19 1/2-month-old. He was partying with a 25-month-old last night as well and I'm pretty excited about the next 6 months, watching his personality develop even more. He's pretty sweet.

The show was at St. James, an old church that now seems to be a community centre, even though the pews are still there. The sound was really warm and the place full of moderate hippies: lots of recycled woolens and unkempt hair on heads and faces and beer in plastic cups. I'm starting to really prefer seeing shows in unconventional locales, like old churches and libraries. I think it diversifies the crowd somehow. I'm pretty sick of hipsters, truth be told. There was a baby there and I worried for his ears, but he barely made a noise the whole night and didn't seem disturbed by the music. Maybe his parents shoved earplugs in or something. Or maybe they're just bad parents.

I also collected my birthday present from Rachel and Nathan, and, I must admit, I'm not sure how I can top this for either of them. They got me a starter ukelele and practice book! I'm so excited to have one of my very own; I'd been borrowing one of theirs. It's green and from a Hawaiian company, so should be good for Don Ho songs, since that's the sort of ukelele stuff I love anyway. I might even sign up for classes in the new year (I meant to do it this month, but things sort of got out of control with school). Actually, I probably will. I'm not a good self-motivator lately. I need the structure.

If you're going to Meligrove Band tonight, tell me how it goes and try to convince those boys to come back soon. Seriously, the worst night ever to play a show on-campus.

This morning I'm heading off to Victory Square for the Remembrance Day ceremony and then to the Billy Bishop Legion for a few. Please take a few minutes to acknowledge those that served; I know I would not be alive if they hadn't.

Currently listening :
Tan Simple Como El Amor
By La Casa Azul
Release date: 23 March, 2004

i want my cbc.... job

I think I talked myself into a guaranteed job at CBC Toronto when I graduate with a handshake witnessed by a few others. The guy is the boss librarian guy in Toronto and said I could get a job with CBC Toronto whenever I want. Like, I could get a job next week. Sweet news!

We'll see if this stands up. The CBC librarians seem like a rambunctious lot, nation-wide.

I was at my friend's birthday party and I was drinking with the CBC guys. A job at CBC Toronto would be the best job ever.

Beer is making my head swim. I hope I don't make any bad phone calls.

blue skies

This morning I decided to do one of my favourite morning activities just because the sky is blue and the weather fine. I took the #3 into Chinatown, got off at Pender and got some breakfast from New Town. There were a few men in the restaurant having an indecipherable conversation, of which I like to assume they were discussing how smart their grandkids were or the state of the alleyways of Chinatown.

With steamed bun in hand, I set off on my walk to work. The sounds of morning Chinatown are what I love most. This morning there was a squeaking, squealing storefront gate opened ever so slightly and closed just the same at Ming Wo. An ancient woman swept (in vain) to remove sopping wet leaves from the sidewalk in front of her variety store. Downtown Eastside residents were yelling loudly down one of the alleys. Buses whizzed by, the motors reverberating against the buildings lining Pender.

Since the light was so lovely and crisp, the colours were extra vibrant. The green and red building down from the Dr. Sun Yat Sen garden is generally best, but a few of the association buildings were looking quite fine as well. There are just a few trees with leaves left, the few stragglers too stubborn to fall and join their mates in the mushy brown mulch that collects around the tree base and along the street. The sun reflected into my eyes from the windows on the north side of the street, forcing me to close them and take in the brightness through my eyelids, a wash of orange.

Even if the rest of the day doesn't go so well, at least I have the morning.

keeping things in perspective

Yesterday I met up with my good friend to catch up. I haven't seen him since September and haven't had much chance to talk other than a few rushed conversations. It was good to enlighten him on some of the more... interesting... events of the last month or so and get his perspective on some of it.

One story, in particular, I knew he would find interesting because he knows one of the people involved and I wanted to see if I could surprise him. The look on his face was actually worth the humiliation of admission and that it took him about 5 minutes to recover made it all the more hilarious and sad. I think he's just happy that anything noteworthy is happening in my life, even if it is a bit tumultuous and generally fucked up. Secretly, so am I. I kind of find soap opera drama funny, even when it's happening to me. Don't get me wrong: I hate feeling fucked up, but it's something.

That's the thing. When nothing was going on in my life, when I was just coasting along waiting for something to happen I didn't feel like I was alive. Now I feel something: some of it good, some of it bad, but SOMEthing. I need to learn how to roll with it all and not take things as seriously as I usually do. You know this; I told you.

Last night I talked to a friend about a shitty conversation/argument we had and I actually apologised for the way I had acted and admitted to being selfish. Me. I never do that. But lately I've been trying to stop being so passive aggressive and to take ownership of (some of) the stuff I've fucked up without overapologising. I suspect that this new trend might actually be less stressful in the long run, but I'm still in the trial stage to see how it goes over and how well I do with it.

Still haven't gotten over being insensitive, but I suspect that will require ongoing work.

Things of note in upcoming weeks:
- The Grates @ Media Club, Nov.19th
- Christine's 40th birthday, Nov.17th
- Bonnie "Prince" Billy @ St. James, Nov.10th
- Remembrance Day @ Billy Bishop, Nov.11th
- two full days off work (by force)
- a barrage of assignments due weekly from now until Dec.8th
- possible party at mine shortly after Dec.8th

Currently listening :
Evolution
By Ayumi Hamasaki
Release date: 27 February, 2001

slumbering

Last night I went to Shambar, a Belgian restaurant, and drank a bunch of yummy beer. I have to remember that, at a certain point, I don't want to see people trying to hook up and must remove myself as quickly as possible at that point. Happiness in others frustrates me more than I want to admit, largely due to jealousy and envy.

By the time I got home I was feeling pretty down. The weather, the circumstances of recent weeks, the impending doom with unfinished assignments... whatever it was, I didn't want to be alone. I made some phone calls, talked to a few people, and luckily got ahold of Tangiene. She came over for a bit on the condition that we would have to talk in my bed because my bed is comforting and that's what I wanted. We had a good catch-up and it made me want to plan a slumber party because it was fun to giggle in bed with a sweet friend. And who doesn't want to giggle in bed once in a while?

Weeks of neglect have made me bashful about phoning people to reconnect. I feel like a negligent letter-writer: I have much to say, have started conversations in my head, but haven't been able to get it all down on paper enough to send; just clips and partially-completed thoughts, none of which make up enough of a cohesive conversation to make me follow through with the sending of ideas. I suspect this means I have to have a party once school is over this term so I can feel less of a heel and more of a socializer with those that I haven't seen/talked to much since school started. I hope it isn't too late.

Off to work.

Currently listening :
Sambassadeur
By Sambassadeur
Release date: 13 September, 2005

in a different light

On my way home from work today I watched a dad scoop up his little son with one hand and literally fling him onto his shoulders, landing perfectly. It made me laugh out loud.

The light was perfectly perfect this morning when I left the house. There were no clouds, the sun was bright, and the air was crisp. It was exactly the kind of morning I wanted to have today. When I got off the bus I decided to take a couple of pictures to try to document the morning. Joe Fafard's bull eyed me so I shot it. And my work building sort of glowed a brilliant copper so I tried to get it all in with the last remaining leaves on a tree.

I have a slice of pecan pie to eat, a gift from my friend Christine. I've been thinking of it all day, so may just cook up my halibut and scarf down the pie first. Mmmm... pie.

I swear I'm not bipolar. I just decided when I woke up that I wanted to have a good day today. So I did.

Currently listening :
It's Love
By Softies
Release date: 26 September, 1995

tunage

This morning I danced around my bedroom listening to "Blister in the Sun" on the radio. If they had "China Boys" I would have lost my mind. But that is the joy of downloading, and now I can shake my ass despite the lack of payola putting the Payola$ on the radio right when I want it most. "Roll out red carpets..."

I loaded some new wallpaper on my computer, a print of a crow from pushmepullyou designs. Eleanor is extremely nice (we had a couple of lovely chats at Bumbershoot and passed emails back and forth) and I love her stuff. Seriously, go see her new designs for Keds. Raccoons! Black cats! And, despite my previous declarations that I fear crows, I really like this one. It's just the ones that dive-bomb me hoping to tap into my delicious occular juices that worry me.

The party shuffle lineup right now is freakishly appropriate. "Two Places at Once" by Kleenex Girl Wonder, "I Don't Want to Get Over You" by Magnetic Fields, "I Give Up Too" by Club 8, "Cut" by the Shapiros, and "Santaland Diaries - 02" by David Sedaris. How does it know?

The David Sedaris part is the part when he talks about applying to be an elf at Macy's, featuring one of my favourite lines ever: "I'm certain that I failed my drug test. My urine had roaches and stems floating in it, but still they hired me." Not that this pertains directly to my current state, but in two sleeps I will see David Sedaris LIVE! IN PERSON! If I had a Stadium Buddy I would use it right now. Gosh, I love that little OCD, chain-smoking gay man. It's the highlight of my week.

I think I should bring my bike inside. I don't want the weather to start eroding its sleek design and brilliant colour scheme.

Onward to see what the day brings.

Currently listening :
Ponyoak
By Kleenex Girl Wonder
Release date: 13 July, 1999

wasting away

Yesterday my October subscription shirt arrived. It's pretty sweet: little zombie animals lying on the ground in a circle (http://www.threadless.com/12club). I swear it's cuter than I'm explaining it. But the size of the shirt seems to be getting smaller from month to month. I know this because, with forgetting to eat more than a meal or two a day (maybe), I've been losing a bit of the fatty parts of me. So, if I'm not getting fatter, which I'm not, then the shirts are getting smaller. But I refuse to go up to the next size. I'll just have to waste away some more. Or stretch them after washing.

Just to curb rumours that I'm purposely starving myself, I've gotten nutrition bars for those times that I'm on campus with no money and 7 hours before I can go home. I'm also drinking soy milk and trying to eat better meals when I am home. Fret not. I also wind up walking all over the place because my building on campus is as far from the bus loop as possible. But, really, I don't even think you would know that I'm not eating. It would be hard to tell.

Last night I went to Tangiene's art show opening and her stuff was all kinds of good. She signed an eraser painting for me and I've got dibs on one of her paintings. She's really amazing. There was a boy there who, for whatever reason, at some point pulled his pants down his hips and showed off his tighty whities. It was hard not to notice. When we left I discussed it with another girl and she was saying how she wanted to throw him against the wall and do bad things to him. Who knew tighty whities were so popular? I prefer briefs on boys myself, but why, then, are boxers so popular?

I'm going to help my frend find shoes this afternoon at Gravity Pope, but last night found out the last friend who worked there quit a couple weeks ago. This means I won't get the 20% off anymore. This makes me sad. Had I known I would have somehow tried to finance a crazed buying spree. As it is, I'll just have to live vicariously through my shoe-buying friend. My shoe collection has become widely talked about among some of the boys I know. Apparently they're keeping tabs on how many pairs I might have. The shoe-buying friend has declared I have about 50 pairs, despite never seeing the collection. I'm going to count them now, just to see. Like, right now.

Currently watching :
My Architect
Release date: 15 August, 2006

the downward spiral

I need to get my head in the game.

I feel a little uncomfortable about exposing myself like this today, but I'm big on documenting the good and the bad of everyday life, so this has to be an aspect of that. I'm sure you'll think less of me; I think less of myself after these last few weeks, so I completely understand. If push comes to shove I can blame it on school, lack of restful sleep, overworking, or that my birthday is a week away and am feeling the weight of the world because of how little I've gotten accomplished by this age. Yet, really, blame is unhelpful and I should really just worry about fixing things that I've been breaking/burning.

Yesterday was one of the worst days in recent memory, as far as friends are concerned. I've hit a new low of insensitivity. I went to work, worked my extra hours, decided I should finish an essay that's due tonight (which I managed to get finished), and got invited to a co-worker's house for dinner. It sounded fun. The problem was I didn't go home, thereby missing the message my friend left for me reminding me about the show we were supposed to go to last night. I remembered around 10pm when I saw a poster on the street for it. But I am so embarrassed that I flaked out like this. It isn't a good reason to miss my friend.

And, really, Friday night was similarly bad in the friend department. I drank too much beer, went to the secret club with three friends and wound up getting pissy and sulky at the club because I didn't think they liked it and took it personally and wound up crying on the phone after one of them informed me how terrible I was to them. The one friend had to talk me down at the bus stop because I was upset about the whole thing. I'm bad with apologising and I had to do a lot of it yesterday. And will have to do more today. I'm sure this is building better character since I feel as though I have none today.

Last night when I got home I called one of the friends I had been out with to say I got home OK and he was on the other line so he said he had to go. I sort of hung up on him (we said our goodbyes and he said something as I was hanging up) and called someone unimportant to come over. When my friend called back a few minutes later and discovered someone was meant to come over he scolded me. And, really, why shouldn't he? It made no sense to waste more time on nothing when I was already so tired, tipsy on red wine (I remember why I don't drink red wine: it makes me call people at 10:30 at night to invite them over for no reason) and uninterested in the person. I wound up talking to my friend for a while and then falling asleep, completely missing the visitor anyway, which I discovered when he called after arriving back home from the trip to mine. Falling asleep was likely the only smart thing I did the whole of yesterday, as it got me out of a potentially sticky situation.

I am making unwise decisions and this doesn't feel like me at all. On the upside, only two more years minus 7 weeks of this. How quickly things can fall apart when you take your eye off the prize.

New almost-year-end resolutions:
1) drink less
2) be nicer to friends
3) stop being a jackass
4) make smarter decisions

Club 8 is making me feel a bit better. In another unwise move, I would totally marry Johan Angergard this minute if I could. Maybe he could write a catchy song about how I'm fucking things up. I think he secretly has a thing for me because he's written two Karen songs for Club 8 and it's possible he has more elsewhere since he's in about 400 other bands. His Swedish pop sensibility would put me back on track, or at least being able to run my fingers through his pretty blond hair would be a fun distraction. Swoon. Seriously, listen to "I'm Lost Without You" and say something bad about him. Unpossible.

Currently listening :
Spring Came, Rain Fell
By Club 8
Release date: 12 March, 2002

so dumb

Just home from a mind-numbingly long day at school. I stopped off at the beach to listen to waves crashing on the shore to try to regroup and refocus. It was nice watching the spray. Even though I fear it, I love water. (The fear comes more from what is lurking under the surface or from being in a boat and being sucked into the water somehow.) I think I may have to spend more time on beaches, listening to the surf to try to stop from going crazy.

I am so close to being a complete idiot. Seriously. I signed up for another 10 hours of work a week until I'm done this semester, bringing my work hours up to 33 per week. Granted, I can cut back if I need to, but why would I add extra shifts when I'm already not getting everything done? It's the money. Four of those hours are at a new, higher-paying position; the rest are just adding on to shifts I'm already working. I hate paying bills from my credit line. I hate owing money on my credit line. I like complaining about all of this.

Tonight I was at work finishing off some homework that isn't due until next Tuesday. This is good, right? For two weeks I have very little due, but then things come due every week until the end of term, another 6 weeks. I'm starting to feel weird that I'm at work almost every day. But I still haven't gotten the internet connection to work on my laptop, for whatever reason, largely because I don't have the time to sit down with it and talk it into working. This will make at least one of you somewhat annoyed, possibly angry, I know. I am concerned that the version of Office Pro I got isn't going to work and I'll be out a whack of cash because of my ignorance/dumbness.

On the upside, I will drink some beer tomorrow and may try to convince co-workers to go to the secret club afterwards.

Currently listening :
Crime in Acetate: 1995-1997
By Push Kings
Release date: 25 April, 2000

workplace antics

At work, one of the ladies was deciding on a password for a work contest and asked me to help her. She wondered if she should use a secret name as her username and quietly said, "Like She-Ra. That would be a good username." Then said she should maybe use "Princess of Power" as her full name. And I howled. And she howled. And tears were streaming down both of our faces as we kept repeating it: She-Ra, Princess of Power. She wondered how many people would call for her at work, asking for Princess of Power. All our co-workers were watching us cry from laughter until I told them what we were discussing. They didn't laugh as hard as we did, but we're used to laughing more than others.

Today I wore my bright blue raincoat to work to try to perk myself up. As soon as I got on the bus I realised I was the brightest person there (visually, anyway), a little beacon of colour on an otherwise dreary paletted bus of riders. Why don't all raincoats come in delicious colours? I wish I still had my rain boots; they were minty green and also made me feel happier when it was raining, but they cracked and let water in so I had to get rid of them. Sigh.

Currently reading :
Miss Misery: A Novel
By Andy Greenwald
Release date: 27 December, 2005

low/down

Today was a low day.

I didn't sleep well last night. This morning I still couldn't sleep and watched the minutes edging closer to the time my alarm was set to go off. I felt very alone. The rain was falling. My tea wasn't very tasty, even with honey. My milk went bad 4 days early. I think the fridge is failing me because the milk turned and the mayo froze and sometimes water drips from the top of the fridge. Work was dull and long, despite really liking my co-workers. I feel out of sorts.

The first day of rain and this is what happens to me. This does not bode well for the remaining winter months.

Why, I wonder, does rain make me feel alone?

Lately I've been worrying about how much I've been neglecting my friends. I can't focus on anything or anyone for very long because I'm always worrying about school or work or how I'm going to pay for my life. I just talked to one friend for the first time in weeks and wasn't able to concentrate on what he was saying. It's the same with pretty much everyone. I can't understand how they can be so understanding just because I've overplanned my life.

I've decided that I'm not going to celebrate my birthday because it's pretty selfish to expect people to make that effort for me when I'm not making the effort for them. And, really, what's so great about birthdays anyway? They just remind me why I hate the rain.

Currently listening :
The Bends
By Radiohead
Release date: 04 April, 1995

nothing, really

This week at work I started training in Acquisitions at a higher level (LA III vs. my regular LA I/II work) and realised that I should probably work in Technical Services when I finish my degree. I love process and it's one of the only areas that is so completely process-based. Mmm, process... I also realised that I could probably work for a few more years in the library without needing the degree, but might as well get it anyway so I can get interesting jobs when I need to.

I'm glad I work in the areas I do because lots of neat stuff happens there and I wind up knowing stuff that we learn about in class from work. This makes it easier to get the discussion marks without doing the readings, which I stopped doing a few weeks ago. (Shhhh... it's a secret.)

The weather is turning. This makes me sad. But the sky this morning was amazing because of the clouds: all glowy pink and purple, mottled and soft. I should probably stop walking with my face up to the sky because that's when all the tripping happens. Not that I mind tripping; it's actually funny when I do, even when I go down. The light was perfectly perfect at 7:30am.

Last night I did very little. Talked to my friend for a bit (who tried to convince me to skip out of work early to hang out), left messages with others, thought about going to the mall but didn't and tried to watch some of the various DVDs stacked up on my table. I think I was down to two, but then got another three from the library. Sigh. Also avoided the assignment I have to do for Tuesday. Will get to it eventually; just not today.

Someone brought buns from New Town Bakery today and made a special point of letting me know because she knows I love the coconut buns from there. Very sweet.

Currently reading :
Miss Misery: A Novel
By Andy Greenwald
Release date: 27 December, 2005

OCD humour

Yesterday I went to my sister's house so we could go together to her in-laws' house for turkey dinner. On our way there, she was telling me about a radio show she heard when she was in the Okanagan visiting our parents. Apparently the show was a humour show of some sort (in the Okanagan? unpossible; nothing is funny about the Okanagan).

As she recounts it:
The guy said, "How many hours in a day do you waste while counting from 1 to 100? If you're like me, a lot. To cut down on the wasted hours, why not cut out some of the less important numbers, like 17? You can't get anything in 17, so you don't need it. So, as practice: what's 16 + 1?.... That's right, it's 18. And what's 16 + 2?.... Right again, it's 18. See how easy it is to eliminate the number 17 from your life?" The part that kills me is the first part: If you're anything like me...

And I was howling. Like, tears-streaming-down-my-face howling. And I couldn't stop laughing, which made Anita laugh even more. Maybe you had to be there. I kept imagining the guy's voice to be like Dr. Nick Riviera. My sister has her moments of hilariousity (fine, it's not a word).

How many hours do you waste while counting from 1 to 100?

Currently listening :
Pink Flag
By Wire
Release date: 11 April, 2006

table for one

OK, I feel so incredibly lame.

Today I got take-out from a restaurant up the street from my house. Didn't feel like sitting alone watching others eat and talk. But take-out also seemed pretty pathetic, like I was throwing a spotlight on myself. Hey, look! I'm taking food to my house to eat alone while watching the Simpsons!

Just got a call from my bank offering me additional life insurance so my beneficiaries can benefit from my death. Midway through the speil I said I would have to decline the offer because I have no beneficiaries. The guy continued on, adding that it would apply to anyone I chose. So I said I have enough money saved to pay for my funeral and there was no reason to get additional insurance because I was alone. He seemed unable to recover from that.

But it makes me feel sad that I have to declare my complete aloneness to get people to stop trying to sell me stuff that will benefit these fictitious "special people" in my life.

I am seriously considering joining a convent. Like, seriously. I'm pretty sure telemarketers can't call you there.

Currently listening :
Where's Wolfie
By Wolfie
Release date: 06 April, 1999
8:36

not enough time

I am so behind on homework that I can only talk for a minute. Today I have to put together a PowerPoint presentation completely from scratch ("It's all up here [tap on head]", my ass) because it's due on Friday and tomorrow I need to load it at school after my afternoon class (or before if I can haul said ass to campus early), but have never really used PowerPoint, so, once again, as usual, I am close to being fucked.

But I'm not stressed out yet because I'm watching a movie tonight and that is a nice diversion.

The wedding:
It all went OK. I caught a ride with my favourite bridesmaid and her boyfriend, and spent a good deal of the weekend around them. It wound up being pretty frantic with no time to sit and absorb, which is just as well because it wasn't my wedding to absorb.

Thursday: got into town. Waited for other bridesmaids to show up because we were sharing a room. Decided to go across the street to the mall to kill some time. Walked to bride's house, since we were supposed to go over for dinner anyway. Aparently I disappeared for two hours, causing frantic calls between all parties. Everyone else came and the circus began. We finished the night by putting together boxes, filled them with chocolate and tied ribbons around them as the guest gifts. Yummy chocolate!

Friday: bipolar fake bridesmaid couldn't sleep, so at 5am yelled at the rest of us to wake up because he didn't want to be awake alone. I swore at him and tried to go back to sleep, but the damage was done. Spent the rest of the day in a zombie state. Had a crappy manicure (the nail person was really shaky, so the nails weren't looking so great) and waited for the 4 others to get finished up. Then went to lunch. Then went to rehearsal. Tried to have a little nap, but was cursed out by the bipolar fake bridesmaid and his husband decided to curl my hair instead of letting me sleep for an hour. Then went to dinner where we got our bridesmaid gifts. The girls headed to the bride's apartment to give her the stuff we had worked on (a scrapbook and a basket of fun stuff), which made her teary eyed. Went back to the hotel to bed. Woohoo.

Saturday: up at the crack of dawn to get enormous rollers put in. Went to decorate the reception hall. Back to the bride's house for hair and make-up (groan. I am terrible at being a girl). Small problem: the bride's new pink saphire necklace broke, dropping the jewel into the (clean) toilet bowl. Maid-of-honour fished it out; that alone proved she was the best girl to fill that position, despite another bridesmaid who thought she should hold that position. Scrambled up to the last minute, but got to the ceremony on time; had to wait for straglers, so started a little late. Short ceremony (sweet). Saw my grade 4 teacher and my high school drama teacher. Waited around for pictures that never happened. For whatever reason, the bridesmaids were the last to be photographed, but because the photographer took so long with the others, the light was too low to continue. So there are about 5 or 6 pictures with the bridesmaids. Hmph. Raced to the reception. Started drinking rye and gingerale immediately (thank you, open bar). Ate delicious stuff. Clapped a lot. Cheered. Flirted with bride's brother because he was giving me a ride back to Vancouver. Danced my ass off, impressing more people than I intended to. Finally headed back to bride's apartment to sleep (bride and groom got a room, at the urging of others who yelled it during glass-tinking make-outs). Before letting my head hit the pillow, I pulled out the bobby pins that kept my hair in place: 22 bobby pins out and my hair didn't move. So much hairspray. Gross.

Sunday: woke up feeling OK. Maid-of-honour (who also stayed at bride's house) wasn't looking so good and decided to go home. Went to hotel to take down decorations, but it was already done because another event was in the room when we arrived. Counted the chair covers and folded them with the awesome bridesmaid and my friend who wasn't even obligated to help. Bitchy bipolar fake bridesmaid came late and tried to instruct me what to do after saying he didn't need to do anything because his job was done the day before. I snapped at him and continued to silently curse him. Drove to Osoyoos with the awesome bridesmaid, her boyfriend and the other bridesmaid who thought it was her wedding instead of the bride and grooms. Got to Osoyoos just after 1pm for the gift opening. Saw my parents and ran into my cousins near bride's parents' house. Eventually convinced bride's brother to head back to Vancouver. Drove. Got home.

But the assignments are piling up. Got a one day extension on an assignment due last Sunday night and finished up a research assignment yesterday morning. Now I just have to finish this PowerPoint presentation and all my assignments for this week are done. And will then have to start the other ones that are due next week and the week after. Crap.

I swear I'm going to be more interesting at some point. Just not right now.

Currently listening :
The Great Pacific Ocean
By Thrush Hermit
Release date: 04 April, 2000
6:41

what's been going on?

I know I've been MIA the last while. Really, I'm not sure what to tell you. It's not like I've been doing that much, but it feels like I haven't had a whole lot of extra time. Whenever I'm on the computer I wind up doing my online classes and/or doing online research and/or responding to discussion boards for class and/or reading through the mounds of emails from my department. It's good times, all around. I'm getting sick of my computer.

But enough of that. Here's a little update of my goings-on:

Last Thursday I think I saw Tangiene. Is that right? Yes, yes I did. We went to the Vet's Hall on Main for Sara's birthday. I'm still having sleeping problems so was tired; Tangiene was as well. We stayed for an hour or so, long enough for me to have a disappointing Caesar and for Tangiene to mention she likes big cocks, and then she dropped me off.

Friday I went for a couple drinks with Christine and her CBC boss at the Railway. Gosh, I love drinking at the Railway. I know there's a reason I don't go more often, but I'm afraid it's only a dumb one, like lack of money. FYI: if you want to guarantee that I'll agree to meet up with you, say you'll buy me a beer at the Railway.

Saturday I was feeling deadly (I'm going to blame a lack of sleep again; it's a good scapegoat, but, really, my tummy hurt, though not from booze, I swear) and called in sick. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but instead had to get ready for the Jack & Jill party on Saturday night. We went to a Greek restaurant and by the time we finished eating it was after 10pm. We went down the street to the Legion (my idea; Chris and Charmaine are both members, and Chris' mom is a member of the one we went to) and, at the door, I overheard a few guys say, "I wouldn't go in there. It's karaoke night." Haha. How bad could karaoke night at the Legion be?

Well, pretty bad, actually. The karaoke host was drunk and surly, hogging the machine and not letting anyone else sing. He did sound a wee bit like Wayne Coyne, though, which was frightening because he wasn't a good singer and made me rethink the Flaming Lips CDs in my collection, but sounding like someone doesn't mean they can or can't sing. And the people he did let sing were easily the worst singers EVER. Granted, there were only about 16 people when we got there, but still. The host's system: put the 10 or 11 karaoke discs on a table and let people look at them. There wasn't anything I wanted to sing (which is saying a lot), but my sister found an N'Sync song that she busted out. Imagine my surprise that my shy, sober sister actually kicked it boyskool. It was pretty hilarious, but I wanted to scratch my eyes out from the contacts and the lack of sleep and the achey tummy... I went home around midnight. After getting a recap of the remainder of the evening, I'm glad I got out when I did.

One of the more rational bridesmaids told me on Sunday that they decided to go to the Biltmore. For those out of town, the Biltmore is a scummy hotel bar mid-city that is frequented by raging alcoholics, gangs, women without teeth, and my friends when they're drunk enough. The only times I've ever been to the Biltmore have been with Charmaine and the fear was overwhelming. So apparently the party (about 10 of them) all went to the Biltmore, somehow collecting a guy who bought them drinks at the Legion. One bridesmaid noticed that the guy had two guns in his waistband and so she wouldn't go in. So the others asked what was up and she quietly mentioned the guns. So finally the one friend went up to him, patted him down, and asked, "Are you packing heat?" The others made him go into the alley and put the guns in the friend's bag before they went in. In the couple hours they were there (not sure what they did because the recapper just said she was terrified until 3am) the cops showed up 6 times. Sure dodged a bullet with that one.

Sunday was Word on the Street at the library. I went into work early to set up and work the VPL table. I wound up taking Roch Carrier ("The Hockey Sweater") to the VIP room and had a little chat with him. He was lovely and so kind with the most endearing demeanor. The only other thing of note was watching a few songs by Duplex!, despite Nardwuar's attempts at taking over the show by talking for close to 15 minutes when introducing them. Gah.

The rest of the time was spent worrying about school, but that isn't news so I won't talk of it again.

Really, I'm hoping things improve once the wedding is over this weekend. We're supposed to leave tomorrow morning, but I haven't heard from the drivers to make plans or anything, so if they don't call or pick me up I guess I'll be drinking the wine I bought for the wedding couple alone in my light pink dress this weekend. I will let you know what happens. The bridesmaids have changed plans again and are now coming back on Monday, the day I said I couldn't come back because I have to work. Hopefully I can catch a ride back with Charmaine's brother. Both Charmaine and Charmaine's mom informed me he would, so we'll see.

Today is my grandparents' 70th wedding anniversary. Please send good thoughts their way. My sister & bro-in-law and my parents are there for it. Luckies.

my new calling

Just home from a coffee shop up the street from my house. Rachel left a message that she was going to be in my neighbourhood, so went to meet her for a coffee shop-related beverage (in this instance, it was iced chai since I have a cat's tongue and can't drink hot things). It was nice to see her and have a wee chat, but, really, there were other things going on, exciting things, that distracted me from her.

On the third Tuesday of every month (for the last 6 years) the Royal Vancouver Ukelele Circle has met for playing and singing. Rachel tipped me off onto this. The place was full of ukelele players, which confused a few people who came in for a coffee. It was a lot of fun chatting with the varied group of players and singing along to songs I only vaguely remember hearing at weddings or from musicals or the like. I attempted to play Rachel's wedding ukelele, but don't know any chords and couldn't fake something like that, so just sang.

In the first half everyone follows along in their songbooks (all the members get one) for warm-up. In the second half, though, it's a free-for-all. We couldn't stay very long into the second half, but did hear a rendition of "Viva Las Vegas," as well as a couple of Hawaiian tunes with dancing accompaniment. It was rad.

It did make me think it would be a fun hobby to take up. I mean, it's not the bass, but, as Ralph Shaw, the Ukelele King of Vancouver, pointed out, a bass is just a bass ukelele because it has 4 strings (not a bass guitar, which would have to have 6 strings). So why not learn the ukelele?

I'm on the Circle's email list now and got an open invitation to come and play anytime. Even got a tip on getting a really nice, affordable ukelele when I can spare a little cash. I may just do that.

Know any indie rock bands that have ukelele players in them? I wonder if there's room for ukelele in twee...

Currently listening :
Welcome To My World
By Daniel Johnston
Release date: 18 April, 2006

souvenirs

Just watched a commercial for Canada Post. They've decided to put some money into advertising themselves, finally. I can't remember the last time I saw a commercial for it. It wasn't even a super fantastic commercial, but the music snagged me. What was the music? Architecture in Helsinki!!!

Canada Post, even though you lost my shirt/CD combo from a band in the States (or maybe it was the US Postal Service... I like to blame them because I know, CP, that it's really hard to steal from your facilities) you have renewed my love of you.

The shirt/CD combo, Part 2 should be arriving any day now. If not, I blame the sender.

Currently listening :
Fingers Crossed
By Architecture in Helsinki
Release date: 06 April, 2004
8:16

i don't need no education

I am becoming so fricking boring, it isn't even funny. Which is the whole problem.

Everything I think about is in relation to what I have due. Can I go to that rock show, or do I have to work on an essay due a few days after? Should I make plans with a friend I haven't seen for a few weeks, or do the reading for a class discussion tomorrow? Talk on the phone to catch up with someone, or do my online course? Two weeks in and I'm already sick of thinking about school. It wakes me up at ridiculous hours (5am, anyone?) and occupies large portions of my emaciated brain. Zombies would not be interested in my brain because there's nothing going on, no sign of life.

Guh. Only 11 weeks of classes left. I just have 19 official assignments and about 5 extra, mandatory but currently hypothetical assignments to complete in these 11 weeks. Oh, but one of those assignments is a take-home exam. One nice thing about grad school is that I don't have exams in the traditional, cram-all-night-and-write-garbage-the-next-day sort of way. No, I get one take-home exam that will probably be a heavily-researched essay. But it is due a week after everything else is due, so, in theory, it's the only thing I need to think about that week.

It's probably hard to tell, but I don't want to talk about school.

Tonight I think I'm meeting up with the other bridesmaids for the last Operation Bridesmaid meeting before the Jack & Jill party next Saturday (the wedding is the following week). I have been avoiding everything wedding-related, except for the bride, and finally sent an email to the others yesterday. Within hours a meeting was planned. I suspect I will be subject to snide comments from at least one of them and perhaps there are inside jokes between them now with regards to me. Whatever. I don't care. I just need all the wedding crap to be done because, as earlier mentioned, my brain isn't able to think about the wedding anymore.

One good thing to report: I've almost finished my bridesmaid dress. Just have to sew on buttons and snaps, and hem the bottom (though I think it would be easier to just sew some binding and leave it at that). It really didn't take that long to do and probably will look OK. It was strongly suggested that I get a tan, real or artificial, for this wedding, but there is no fucking way I'm going to do that. These little "demands" that I do something (ear piercing? starting a wedding savings account? buying a ball gown?) make me passive aggressive crazy and make me want to avoid talking to them for the month before the wedding. Oh wait, I already did that.

I just realised I have to buy a shower gift _and_ a wedding gift. Oops. Maybe I should check to see if there's anything left on the registry.

Oh, something that amuses me... On the Thursday that we're leaving for the wedding, I have a tour to go on for school. I'm back on Sunday night. Guess when the written report/analysis of the Thursday tour is due. And I haven't been able to track down the instructor to see if I could hand it in the following day.

If you've gotten through all that whining and complaining (whine, whine; complain, complain), good for you. You get to be reminded that tomorrow (September 18th) is "Talk Like A Pirate" Day. Shiver me timbers. (Is that in reference to peg legs?)

Currently listening :
Born Again in the USA
By Loose Fur
Release date: 21 March, 2006

school + me = bad times

I'm, like, such a slacker or something. Four days into school and I'm already behind. This does not bode well.

It seems like there are a million pages to read this first week and the class that was supposed to be the hardest actually has the easiest readings this week. I'm completely overwhelmed and can't even answer when people ask, "So, how was your first week?" I don't want to complain, because I'm the one who asked to be put in this program, but still... I wish it didn't feel so hard all at once.

During my undergrad I did maybe half of my readings. And still managed to get through and talk my way into a Masters program. Reading for real is hard.

Really, I'm having second doubts, which is apparently normal in "the core." The first four requirements to take any other classes constitute "the core" and people (OK, me) say it in a different voice to give it some forboding tone. I like to say it like the announcer who does the commercials for monster truck rallies. Imagine me also making those little quotation marks with my fingers while saying "the core" in the monster truck voice and you can also imagine how many friends I've made.

If you guessed none you would be close.

No one has yet addressed the fact that anti-social people are often drawn to collections that sometimes let them hide out from other people. I am just not the sort that perkily walks up to people and introduces myself to everyone in my class. I can't remember half the people's names. I can barely recognise the people I saw every day last week.

I've also said stupid things in small groups already. Like, I told one of my classmates he was pussy-whipped for some reason I can't recall now. And told a classmate I had a serious question to ask and it might affect whether or not we could be friends: if she ate meat or not (she didn't and it was awkward). And said something to someone about how everyone says they are in the program because they like books and how that's a stupid answer; the someone actually said that in an introduction a few minutes later. I'm trying not to talk too much because I have that problem with saying dumb things.

This working and going to school thing is going to kick my ass. But it is a necessary evil. If anyone comes into some extra money that they don't really want/need, consider passing it my way. I'm sure scholarships or monetary gifts are tax deductible.

Also: My friend whose wedding I have to bridesmaid at... She called on Thursday. On Wednesday she finalised the plans for the wedding at a heritage hotel that would handle the ceremony and reception and cake and flowers and all the little details, and didn't want to think of it again until the end of the month because she's sick of wedding crap. Wednesday night/Thursday morning the place caught fire and is a write-off. So she has to re-plan a wedding she was sick of planning in the first place in three weeks in wine country during the high season. Good times. I can't help her because she lives where the wedding is (4 hours away) and what could I really do right now anyway other than ply her with liquor while I read for class?

Oh, I also went to see the Evaporators play at the Central Branch of VPL at 1:20pm yesterday. There were lots of babies and little kids rocking out. It was a sort of strange crowd: lots of people older than me with kids, a few old crusty punks, people in their 20s and 30s, and teens (whom the program was actually meant to target). Nardwuar changed no fewer than 6 times in the 45-minute set. He is a hairy, hairy little man.

dreams are scary

Yesterday morning I had a fairly graphic dream in which Rick Springfield was trying to hook up with me. He was divorced and a little down on his luck, but was really into me. I felt oddly creeped out, despite loving him when I was a kid. It seemed weird for a 54(in the dream)-year-old man to declare that we had a future together after just meeting in a parking lot outside a casino. He also said it was between me and some girl named Natalie, and he would decide later. Sounds like Rick Springfield is a playa.

I know it's never going to happen because I looked up his actual age: 57. Rick Springfield is 57! And, as far as I recall from Access Hollywood, he's still happily married. And I'm sure he would be disappointed that I don't want to hear any of his music except for a few songs on "Working Class Dog."

Which reminds me... SPIN is a ridiculous magazine because they list that "Working Class Dog" is good. I think we all know that it's barely good. Does it really need to be ranked at the same level as Spoon's "Telephono/Soft Effects" just because it's reissued? The short answer: no.