OK, so I read a story about a woman who dated a psychopath. Not one of those stabby psychopaths that boil bunnies or anything like that. It was just a man she dated for 4 years, who was adoring and convinced her to buy a cottage with him and took care of her because he loved her so much, but said at the end of one day that he was done with the relationship, a day after the last payment for cottage renos. I did a mental catalogue search of the men I've dated over the years, to see if they had any of the signs.
And I discovered that I might actually be a psychopath. I mean, I do basically know right from wrong, but I don't always have guilt about certain things when the social norm would. I blame other people for what I do wrong sometimes, don't make long-term plans, don't have long-term relationships, am manipulative, am self-centred... There are more, but I don't really want to expose all the bad behaviours I have. Just... if you look at a checklist, it's possible I have many/most of those traits.
This would actually be somewhat comforting, being defined as a psychopath. It would give me a good excuse for never getting married.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
substance abuse
I've alluded to the fact I'm working more than usual the last while. It's just what I need to do to get stuff in order and done. I hate it, though. I don't like sleeping for 5 hours, if I'm lucky, and eating one meal a day. Can't wait for next Thursday.
The thing is I've also done extra stuff to ensure I don't have a second to myself. I'm volunteering for OLIO Festival on Friday night and there are a couple of afterparties I'd like to check out, meaning very little sleep. On Saturday I'm volunteering for the Vancouver Specials tour and hoping to get to the houses before they close. I'm also trying to not have to resign from one of my on-call jobs because my availability is so sketchy. (Note to self: lie the next time someone asks you your availability. Honesty results in phone calls and emails.) And I have to put in extra hours at one of my jobs to catch up from illnesses/days away/the Olympics that have accumulated since March.
To combat this jam-packed schedule, I've turned to artificial means to see me through. Not drugs, at least not illegal ones. I'm on The Coffee. But it isn't really having much of an effect. I chugged a tepid milky, sugary coffee this morning and I'm still feeling a bit sluggish. I was going to take one of those iced coffee packets from Sbucks (and by take I mean drink), but then worried that much coffee in my bloodstream might cause my heart to explode out of my chest. Still... I would like to stay awake until my workday ends later tonight...
I still don't see myself carrying a coffee mug around, drinking The Coffee daily or even weekly. The amount of cream and sugar required to make that stuff palpable makes it less coffee, more melted coffee ice cream.
The thing is I've also done extra stuff to ensure I don't have a second to myself. I'm volunteering for OLIO Festival on Friday night and there are a couple of afterparties I'd like to check out, meaning very little sleep. On Saturday I'm volunteering for the Vancouver Specials tour and hoping to get to the houses before they close. I'm also trying to not have to resign from one of my on-call jobs because my availability is so sketchy. (Note to self: lie the next time someone asks you your availability. Honesty results in phone calls and emails.) And I have to put in extra hours at one of my jobs to catch up from illnesses/days away/the Olympics that have accumulated since March.
To combat this jam-packed schedule, I've turned to artificial means to see me through. Not drugs, at least not illegal ones. I'm on The Coffee. But it isn't really having much of an effect. I chugged a tepid milky, sugary coffee this morning and I'm still feeling a bit sluggish. I was going to take one of those iced coffee packets from Sbucks (and by take I mean drink), but then worried that much coffee in my bloodstream might cause my heart to explode out of my chest. Still... I would like to stay awake until my workday ends later tonight...
I still don't see myself carrying a coffee mug around, drinking The Coffee daily or even weekly. The amount of cream and sugar required to make that stuff palpable makes it less coffee, more melted coffee ice cream.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
vacuous information
The last while I've been working more than usual, trying to juggle a few jobs with increased requirements and time on the job. Perhaps due to my lack of sleep/proper nutrition, I find myself filling up on crap. Not food-related crap; cultural crap.
I've always been a bit weird about pseudo-entertainment news programs like Entertainment Tonight and TMZ. When I don't want to think (which is pretty much any time I'm not at work these days), I turn to these trashy "news" sources to keep up-to-date with things that, in the whole scheme of things, don't matter. By and large, these people aren't doing anything more significant than what I do. They just have a lot of money and stylists and cameras fixed on them all the time.
One thing I've been following unconsciously is the dating drama of the Jonas brothers. This probably started ages ago when People was readily available in one of my workplaces and Miley and Nick broke up the first time. I can't pinpoint it exactly. Their publicists were just *so good* at getting them into entertainment news that they always seemed to just *be* there all the time.
I was surprised to hear these boys have (had?) promise rings, showing their commitment to their virginity. Like Brittany Spears. And Jessica Simpson. Like being pure means just not having sex. I keep hoping a sex scandal will come to light and another child star can fall. (I don't know why I want complete strangers to become tarnished. Perhaps jealousy. Perhaps it would be nice to see people in the spotlight appear to struggle through life like the rest of us. This is why I feel for LiLo.) And I have every confidence, if it's going to happen to a Jonas, it's going to be Joe.
See, the problem with Joe is he keeps dating famous girls. And he inevitably does something dinkish to end these relationships, which means the other person, being as famous if not more, has the same access to the media. When he broke up with Taylor Swift by cell, there was no way that wasn't going to get out. Because she's so charming, she totally made him look like a jackass. (No idea if he is. He is, however, the least talented of that family.) Today Demi Lovato mentioned how disrespectful it is that he's brought his latest girlfriend (some girl from Twilight) on the tour the brothers asked her (read: agents) to join. Is it necessary to have your girlfriend with you constantly for months at a time? No. Is it a good way to piss off your ex-girlfriend, whom you have to work with every single day for months? Yes. And, yet, this 18-year-old Disney talento is behaving significantly better than the 21-year-old dinkwad she dated. So I'm really rooting for Joe Jonas to, literally, fuck up.
If not with this latest girlfriend, then the next. Let's see... The next one has to be a singer, right? That's his pattern? Singer, actress, singer, actress...
Why do I even care about this? Why can't I sleep more so this won't be in my thoughts ever again? How the hell am I going to work 13 hour days for another week?
I've always been a bit weird about pseudo-entertainment news programs like Entertainment Tonight and TMZ. When I don't want to think (which is pretty much any time I'm not at work these days), I turn to these trashy "news" sources to keep up-to-date with things that, in the whole scheme of things, don't matter. By and large, these people aren't doing anything more significant than what I do. They just have a lot of money and stylists and cameras fixed on them all the time.
One thing I've been following unconsciously is the dating drama of the Jonas brothers. This probably started ages ago when People was readily available in one of my workplaces and Miley and Nick broke up the first time. I can't pinpoint it exactly. Their publicists were just *so good* at getting them into entertainment news that they always seemed to just *be* there all the time.
I was surprised to hear these boys have (had?) promise rings, showing their commitment to their virginity. Like Brittany Spears. And Jessica Simpson. Like being pure means just not having sex. I keep hoping a sex scandal will come to light and another child star can fall. (I don't know why I want complete strangers to become tarnished. Perhaps jealousy. Perhaps it would be nice to see people in the spotlight appear to struggle through life like the rest of us. This is why I feel for LiLo.) And I have every confidence, if it's going to happen to a Jonas, it's going to be Joe.
See, the problem with Joe is he keeps dating famous girls. And he inevitably does something dinkish to end these relationships, which means the other person, being as famous if not more, has the same access to the media. When he broke up with Taylor Swift by cell, there was no way that wasn't going to get out. Because she's so charming, she totally made him look like a jackass. (No idea if he is. He is, however, the least talented of that family.) Today Demi Lovato mentioned how disrespectful it is that he's brought his latest girlfriend (some girl from Twilight) on the tour the brothers asked her (read: agents) to join. Is it necessary to have your girlfriend with you constantly for months at a time? No. Is it a good way to piss off your ex-girlfriend, whom you have to work with every single day for months? Yes. And, yet, this 18-year-old Disney talento is behaving significantly better than the 21-year-old dinkwad she dated. So I'm really rooting for Joe Jonas to, literally, fuck up.
If not with this latest girlfriend, then the next. Let's see... The next one has to be a singer, right? That's his pattern? Singer, actress, singer, actress...
Why do I even care about this? Why can't I sleep more so this won't be in my thoughts ever again? How the hell am I going to work 13 hour days for another week?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
collection
My, my, it's been a while. Blaming summer and the weather is all well and good, but, really, I haven't felt much like writing anything for quite some time. And I don't even really feel like writing now. Vanity pushes me, though, guilting me. Someone must care that I haven't written, mustn't they?
September always seems like a new start, much more than January or the fiscal new year (May?) or any other time. It's the time to hunker down and ready for winter, holding safe the collection of memories gathered over the last months, meant to sustain the dreariness of the winter. Have I collected enough? Yearly, I realise around March that I haven't and the doldrums set in and I wrestle with them until the temperature or sun or spring buds get close enough to tag them in.
The problem with September also seems to be that my body refuses to let me have a fresh start. The start of school meant a late summer cold, and the trend followed me into university. And now I have a cold. I dislike it because it messes up my work and leaves me playing catch up more than I already do. I'm downing 16 Vitamin C tablets to try to boost the cold out of my body. Vitamin C makes me grumpy.
But once this cold is done, I can go back to juggling four jobs and trying to see friends until something happens. I've planned a trip to Chicago and am excited about that. I'm hoping to get to Seattle in November for a weekender. A visit to my parents', too. Hopefully these will top up my collection so I can get through to spring intact.
September always seems like a new start, much more than January or the fiscal new year (May?) or any other time. It's the time to hunker down and ready for winter, holding safe the collection of memories gathered over the last months, meant to sustain the dreariness of the winter. Have I collected enough? Yearly, I realise around March that I haven't and the doldrums set in and I wrestle with them until the temperature or sun or spring buds get close enough to tag them in.
The problem with September also seems to be that my body refuses to let me have a fresh start. The start of school meant a late summer cold, and the trend followed me into university. And now I have a cold. I dislike it because it messes up my work and leaves me playing catch up more than I already do. I'm downing 16 Vitamin C tablets to try to boost the cold out of my body. Vitamin C makes me grumpy.
But once this cold is done, I can go back to juggling four jobs and trying to see friends until something happens. I've planned a trip to Chicago and am excited about that. I'm hoping to get to Seattle in November for a weekender. A visit to my parents', too. Hopefully these will top up my collection so I can get through to spring intact.
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