I'm skipping school today so I can instead spend the entire day working on homework. I think this is OK with the prof as well; she sent an email saying she would be taking the bus to campus, but if others felt it put them in harm's way then we should not go to class. I think, in my case, harm's way is wasting 6 hours of class and travel time for something that isn't going to help me get my homework done. So I'm not going to. Plus three degrees or not, it's going to be ugly out there.
Yesterday I was in a miserable mood. I went into work early to try to get my laptop all set up, finally, with Office Pro so I can work on Access at home or work instead of treking to school to do it. This, at some point, required registering online, which I haven't been able to work out at home. So I got into work at 7:10am and, once setting up, realised that the library's wifi doesn't run while the library is closed. Groan. This agitated me as I tried to figure out if it was my computer or the library. After a consultation with one of my library comrades, I decided to try it later in the day.
Worked for 4 hours, but can't complain about that. I like working in Acquisitions.
Then the trip to UBC, which was pretty helacious. I waited for 30 minutes for the bus, endured the ridiculous 45 minute bus ride to campus (seriously, from downtown? Do you really NEED to drive 30km/h?), and was a couple minutes late for my class that wound up being about 35 minutes long. I left immediately after and waited in the 99 B-line lineup with 400 other people. The bus never came and I started making phone calls to figure out what was going on. Finally after 30 minutes of waiting I took a different bus that was well away from downtown. As we pulled away from the loop 4 B-lines came down the street. Grrr. Eventually I transferred to a bus that took me downtown. Total wait/travel time: 1 hour, 45 minutes in one direction. My feet were near-frozen by the time I got to work.
Decided to work on the computer stuff. I think it's all working now. It will remain at work a few extra days, just in case. At least there I can get some of my computer-savvy friends to work on it to prevent me from throwing it over the balcony.
I had plans to see "Stranger Than Fiction" with one of my newer work friends so tried to be less abrasive for the duration of that. I really liked that movie, though I'm not sure it changed my life the way others have said it would. It did make me wonder what I would change about my life if I knew I was going to die. Though I suppose we all know we're going to die; just don't know when. I do know I'm sometimes terrified to live a more interesting life, to take chances on stuff, because I don't want to deal with the rejection or failure. Were I not so sensitive to pain I suppose my life could be different.
Post-movie I went back to work to try to get a start on one of the essays. I managed to get most of a page done, so just have two more pages to write and to ensure my resource binder is organised in an appropriate way and readjust my table of contents and buy some tab pages to divide the whole thing up for future reference. I am hopeful that this will be done today. I am also hopeful that I can get one, probably two, unlikely but possibly the three essays done for my take-home exam.
I'll go into work once I finish making beans and rice and once "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is done. It's at my favourite time, when Mag Wildwood comes into the party. "A thumping bore." It always makes me feel better, hopeful, no matter what is happening in my ridiculous life. Well, unless I'm horrifyingly depressed; then it just makes me cry. But that isn't how it's going down now, so it's making me feel better.
Fingers crossed.
Currently watching :
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Release date: 10 April, 2001
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
just a moment
I neglected to mention yesterday...
In the morning I rode the bus to school. Usually I look out the window or stare at nothing. I managed to get a seat early on, about 3 or 4 stops in. Somewhere on 4th a group of people got on. I happened to glance up and saw a cute guy with a nice coat looking at me. I looked at him. He still looked at me. I put the pleasant face on. He did the same. Then we both looked away.
As more people got on the bus, he moved closer to me down the aisle. He brushed so close to me that his coat caught on my arm, opening up slightly at the bottom, a connection of wool on wool. I didn't move it; neither did he. We stayed like that for a few stops.
Eventually he got pushed down slightly from me, just behind me. He let people push by him instead of moving further into the bus. When people pushed by, he pushed into my shoulder. It was a comforting push, not mean or trying to avoid. Just nice.
After a while I thought about how this could possibly play out. We both get off the bus and go our separate ways? We both get off and have an awkward moment? We both get off and one of us waits expectantly for the other to get off? No, none of the scenarios seemed right. It was at that moment that I saw his arm reach for the cord. The ding broke my heart.
He pressed into me again, for no reason I could tell, and rested his hand on the pole behind my head. I could feel the warmth of his hand on my neck. As the bus lurched to a stop, it felt like he paused before stepping down, that moment where I could have said, "Don't go," or, "Wait for me." Instead, I stayed on the bus, trying not to look at him, to not have to see him walk away. I couldn't help it, of course. I looked. I saw him glance back when he reached the sidewalk, an over-the-shoulder look right at me. And off he walked towards a thatch of trees, the sway of the black jacket my last memory of him.
Love affairs on the bus always end badly. Especially when you're dealing with me.
Currently reading :
Windows XP For Dummies, 2nd Edition
By Andy Rathbone
Release date: 08 October, 2004
In the morning I rode the bus to school. Usually I look out the window or stare at nothing. I managed to get a seat early on, about 3 or 4 stops in. Somewhere on 4th a group of people got on. I happened to glance up and saw a cute guy with a nice coat looking at me. I looked at him. He still looked at me. I put the pleasant face on. He did the same. Then we both looked away.
As more people got on the bus, he moved closer to me down the aisle. He brushed so close to me that his coat caught on my arm, opening up slightly at the bottom, a connection of wool on wool. I didn't move it; neither did he. We stayed like that for a few stops.
Eventually he got pushed down slightly from me, just behind me. He let people push by him instead of moving further into the bus. When people pushed by, he pushed into my shoulder. It was a comforting push, not mean or trying to avoid. Just nice.
After a while I thought about how this could possibly play out. We both get off the bus and go our separate ways? We both get off and have an awkward moment? We both get off and one of us waits expectantly for the other to get off? No, none of the scenarios seemed right. It was at that moment that I saw his arm reach for the cord. The ding broke my heart.
He pressed into me again, for no reason I could tell, and rested his hand on the pole behind my head. I could feel the warmth of his hand on my neck. As the bus lurched to a stop, it felt like he paused before stepping down, that moment where I could have said, "Don't go," or, "Wait for me." Instead, I stayed on the bus, trying not to look at him, to not have to see him walk away. I couldn't help it, of course. I looked. I saw him glance back when he reached the sidewalk, an over-the-shoulder look right at me. And off he walked towards a thatch of trees, the sway of the black jacket my last memory of him.
Love affairs on the bus always end badly. Especially when you're dealing with me.
Currently reading :
Windows XP For Dummies, 2nd Edition
By Andy Rathbone
Release date: 08 October, 2004
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
burnout (cont.)
I was meant to do homework tonight after school, but just couldn't. I came home and laid on the couch for a while and talked on the phone. Talking on the phone is only good when you don't get bad news. I got a little bad news, but then got good talking time in with a few of my favourite people, so that kind of makes up for the bad news.
This Friday is my self-imposed deadline for my homework to be done, but I still have an essay, a take-home exam and a database to do. I am not a fan of school right now and I'm not sure how to make myself want to do this crap. Will try again tomorrow.
Today I turned on my heat for the first time this year. I feel like a wimp. It is only at the lowest setting, though, so maybe it isn't so bad. It's only until it gets closer to zero. It's supposed to snow again on Thursday. Ugh. Need boots.
Holy cow, so boring today. I'm going to bed.
Currently watching :
Belle Epoque
Release date: 20 May, 2003
This Friday is my self-imposed deadline for my homework to be done, but I still have an essay, a take-home exam and a database to do. I am not a fan of school right now and I'm not sure how to make myself want to do this crap. Will try again tomorrow.
Today I turned on my heat for the first time this year. I feel like a wimp. It is only at the lowest setting, though, so maybe it isn't so bad. It's only until it gets closer to zero. It's supposed to snow again on Thursday. Ugh. Need boots.
Holy cow, so boring today. I'm going to bed.
Currently watching :
Belle Epoque
Release date: 20 May, 2003
Monday, November 27, 2006
let it snow
Puffs of fluffy snow are swirling around outside my window. It makes me think of the opposite of the black dirt mites from "Tonari no Totoro"; by opposite, I mean the colour, obviously. I was happy to see very few people this morning, but was ticked off that I had to pay $3 to use a different bank machine because the college I usually go to to use my bank machine was closed. UBC is also closed because of a campus-wide power outage; I'm sort of hoping it stays closed tomorrow so I can catch up with my homework and not have to go to class.
Vancouver is hilarious when it comes to snow. People called in sick today because they didn't want to ride the bus. One said she waited 20 minutes for a bus and they were all full, so she went back home for the day. It isn't bad at all out there. The sidewalk at work has been salted and it's cold enough that the slush is almost crunchy. I am not empathetic to those who complain about how hard it was to get in today. Seriously, there's barely any snow.
I'm more concerned with robots. It's days like this that really put the whole operation in jeopardy. They're waiting for us to show weakness, and letting snow stop you is an obvious sign of weakness.
Currently reading :
How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion
By Daniel H. Wilson
Release date: 13 October, 2005
Vancouver is hilarious when it comes to snow. People called in sick today because they didn't want to ride the bus. One said she waited 20 minutes for a bus and they were all full, so she went back home for the day. It isn't bad at all out there. The sidewalk at work has been salted and it's cold enough that the slush is almost crunchy. I am not empathetic to those who complain about how hard it was to get in today. Seriously, there's barely any snow.
I'm more concerned with robots. It's days like this that really put the whole operation in jeopardy. They're waiting for us to show weakness, and letting snow stop you is an obvious sign of weakness.
Currently reading :
How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion
By Daniel H. Wilson
Release date: 13 October, 2005
Saturday, November 25, 2006
winnie-approved
It's blustery outside right now. The snow is coming in at a 38' angle from the north. I could smell it on the mountains when I walked to the bus this morning (the mountains are covered with the stuff) and someone mentioned there was a chance we could get some today. And here it is.
Black ice in New West and Burnaby. Eek.
I wish I had some warm mittens and ear muffs to make this more enjoyable. I don't like being cold.
Black ice in New West and Burnaby. Eek.
I wish I had some warm mittens and ear muffs to make this more enjoyable. I don't like being cold.
Friday, November 24, 2006
light ride
Yesterday morning I walked from work to Howe, and at Seymour and Robson I was stopped at the light. While waiting for the light to change, I looked down the street and happened to notice a large deer-shaped light thing. You know what I mean: a Christmas decoration, only big with lights. Anyway, I first noticed the deer thing and thought it was weird to see with no matching friends or superficial decorations around it to make it not look completely out of place, and then saw a guy riding a bike. This was sort of strange because the bike was stationary, bolted down on a raised platform with a canopy overhead, with an extension cord of some sort leading from the bike to the deer thing. It was at this point that I realised the advertisement behind the platform/bike/deer thing was for Power Smart. I suspect someone is paid to ride the bike to light the deer thing. I wonder how much a gig like that pays.
After work yesterday a few of us went for a couple drinks at the PubHo. I really like my co-workers a lot and am sad that things are changing around work. My friend is starting school in January, so is giving up her full-time hours, which means she probably won't be working on our floor very often. Another threatens to leave regularly because only a few of us are reason enough to stay. While the floor I regularly work on has loads of fun, interesting people, it's always those few that really make it worthwhile. I worry that they will leave and I will be stuck with people that don't talk.
On the upside, tonight I'm going to a Library Assistant party with co-workers that I haven't talked to very much (they are dilligent workers) that should be fun. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with the bridesmaids after work for roast beast dinner at the one's I adore. (Did I mention I adore one of the bridesmaids? Because I do. She and the husband of the high maintenance honourary bridesmaid and the sardonic groomsman are the reasons I didn't go nuts at the wedding.) I am in charge of buns.
My alarm has gone off, so I suppose I should get on with the day.
Currently listening :
Things Fall Apart
By The Roots
Release date: 23 February, 1999
After work yesterday a few of us went for a couple drinks at the PubHo. I really like my co-workers a lot and am sad that things are changing around work. My friend is starting school in January, so is giving up her full-time hours, which means she probably won't be working on our floor very often. Another threatens to leave regularly because only a few of us are reason enough to stay. While the floor I regularly work on has loads of fun, interesting people, it's always those few that really make it worthwhile. I worry that they will leave and I will be stuck with people that don't talk.
On the upside, tonight I'm going to a Library Assistant party with co-workers that I haven't talked to very much (they are dilligent workers) that should be fun. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with the bridesmaids after work for roast beast dinner at the one's I adore. (Did I mention I adore one of the bridesmaids? Because I do. She and the husband of the high maintenance honourary bridesmaid and the sardonic groomsman are the reasons I didn't go nuts at the wedding.) I am in charge of buns.
My alarm has gone off, so I suppose I should get on with the day.
Currently listening :
Things Fall Apart
By The Roots
Release date: 23 February, 1999
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
on target
Just home from a marathon day.
Woke up around 5:30, which was OK since I went to bed at 10pm last night. Left for work around 7:30 so I could get some money and buy some water (since we still can't drink from the tap). Worked a four-hour shift in Acquisitions and learned a couple of new things. Went to my regular floor to try to start on homework, but was distracted and wound up MSNing with my friend for, like, an hour or more. Guh. By the time I finally started on my homework I was desperate to get something done.
Wound up getting inspired and wrote an entire paper all at once (it was only 1400 words plus references, but still) and got through most of the second assignment that I've been unwilling to complete. I suspect it will be done tomorrow, which is nice because I hate it and think it's sort of pointless. I also loaded part of that assignment on my group's wiki with full annotations of references, so that's another part that is mostly done; just have a couple other things to add to my part and submit a couple of sentences for the group part, and that is another thing done.
Tomorrow I will also start on the last of the essay assignments, with any luck. I suspect I will also hate that particular assignment, but that is of little consequence right now. I've got my eye on the prize. I enquired today how long it would take to design a database and my friend said it took her about 30 hours. Um.... OK. That is longer than I want it to take. I like things that can be completed in one day. Databases... not so much. So I really have to get these other assignments out of the way so I can start on the database and get my exam done well before they're both due. I wanted to be done by the 1st; that's a week ahead of the last due date.
You see how exciting I am with this school stuff? Totally fun, I am.
Actually, on the bus ride home, I happened to see my French friend Fabrice, whom I haven't seen and barely talked to in months. It was nice to catch up a little, and we wound up heading to the Foundation for a bite and a beer (Quebec big bottle, something that started with a M). I decided to head home as soon as he tried to convince me to introduce him to my single girlfriends because he wants a girlfriend still. Explaining that I hate it when my friends date did not dissuade him, unfortunately.
I am beat. Off to slumber.
Currently listening :
Out of the Loop
By I Am the World Trade Center
Release date: 17 July, 2001
Woke up around 5:30, which was OK since I went to bed at 10pm last night. Left for work around 7:30 so I could get some money and buy some water (since we still can't drink from the tap). Worked a four-hour shift in Acquisitions and learned a couple of new things. Went to my regular floor to try to start on homework, but was distracted and wound up MSNing with my friend for, like, an hour or more. Guh. By the time I finally started on my homework I was desperate to get something done.
Wound up getting inspired and wrote an entire paper all at once (it was only 1400 words plus references, but still) and got through most of the second assignment that I've been unwilling to complete. I suspect it will be done tomorrow, which is nice because I hate it and think it's sort of pointless. I also loaded part of that assignment on my group's wiki with full annotations of references, so that's another part that is mostly done; just have a couple other things to add to my part and submit a couple of sentences for the group part, and that is another thing done.
Tomorrow I will also start on the last of the essay assignments, with any luck. I suspect I will also hate that particular assignment, but that is of little consequence right now. I've got my eye on the prize. I enquired today how long it would take to design a database and my friend said it took her about 30 hours. Um.... OK. That is longer than I want it to take. I like things that can be completed in one day. Databases... not so much. So I really have to get these other assignments out of the way so I can start on the database and get my exam done well before they're both due. I wanted to be done by the 1st; that's a week ahead of the last due date.
You see how exciting I am with this school stuff? Totally fun, I am.
Actually, on the bus ride home, I happened to see my French friend Fabrice, whom I haven't seen and barely talked to in months. It was nice to catch up a little, and we wound up heading to the Foundation for a bite and a beer (Quebec big bottle, something that started with a M). I decided to head home as soon as he tried to convince me to introduce him to my single girlfriends because he wants a girlfriend still. Explaining that I hate it when my friends date did not dissuade him, unfortunately.
I am beat. Off to slumber.
Currently listening :
Out of the Loop
By I Am the World Trade Center
Release date: 17 July, 2001
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
bottom of the rock
This morning I couldn't get out of bed. This means I missed my 9am class. By 11:45 I realised the afternoon class wouldn't be happening either. There was nothing that was going to get me out of that bed. Nothing. It was so nice being curled up under the comforter and deciding I didn't need to get out from under it.
There is some concern that I've hit rock-bottom and my motivation really has gone to a new low. But I'm sure I'll bounce back by tomorrow.
I don't feel as bad about skipping school as I probably should. I just really wanted a personal day to do some stuff I wanted/needed to do. Lazing around, talking to my friend, doing laundry, making a quiche... These things seemed like better options than riding the bus at 7:45am, 6 hours of class, and another 4 hours at work doing homework. I'm sure this will bite me in the ass, since I'm already feeling like I'm not going to get everything done on time. (I suspect this is just me worrying because I haven't even been procrastinating yet this semester.) Had I planned for today I would have scheduled a haircut. But I didn't. And I suspect this is OK.
It's amazing how far away two weeks feels. I still have 4 assignments and a take-home exam to do and only one is started. But I'm not going to think of this today. I'm going to change my laundry and eat some quiche and pay some bills and maybe watch a movie.
Currently listening :
Hit the Floor!
By You Say Party! We Say Die!
Release date: 24 January, 2006
There is some concern that I've hit rock-bottom and my motivation really has gone to a new low. But I'm sure I'll bounce back by tomorrow.
I don't feel as bad about skipping school as I probably should. I just really wanted a personal day to do some stuff I wanted/needed to do. Lazing around, talking to my friend, doing laundry, making a quiche... These things seemed like better options than riding the bus at 7:45am, 6 hours of class, and another 4 hours at work doing homework. I'm sure this will bite me in the ass, since I'm already feeling like I'm not going to get everything done on time. (I suspect this is just me worrying because I haven't even been procrastinating yet this semester.) Had I planned for today I would have scheduled a haircut. But I didn't. And I suspect this is OK.
It's amazing how far away two weeks feels. I still have 4 assignments and a take-home exam to do and only one is started. But I'm not going to think of this today. I'm going to change my laundry and eat some quiche and pay some bills and maybe watch a movie.
Currently listening :
Hit the Floor!
By You Say Party! We Say Die!
Release date: 24 January, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
night of the living dead (which totally isn't possible)
I'm trying desperately to not burn the shit out of my tongue on the Neo Citran I've mixed up. Tonight I tried to go to bed without taking anything cold mediciney, but it is 1:30am and my sleeping has been poor. The night before I tried Nyquil for the first time in 9 years and, I have to say, did not have the best night ever. There's something about cold remedies that make me hallucinate. On Nyquil I was making a table of contents of my cold symptoms and what certain head positions alleviated which symptoms. It was maddening.
Neo Citran usually clears me up enough to fall asleep, but it also sometimes does me wrong. Perhaps it's the fact that it's 80% sugar. Why must drug companies use so much sugar in their drugs? It's not like I'm going to use it more because it tastes good. My tastebuds normally have seen finer days during illnesses.
Well, that's not entirely true. I was out for my friend's birthday for a bit and partway through the evening concocted a plan with a couple other friends to go to the one's house to eat chocolate mousse cake, the very same type of cake my friend got me at work for my birthday. He also tempted at least one other friend with promises of clean water coffee (which is more tempting than you would think. Vancouver has been hit with a drinking water ban because of the excessive rainwater causing mud slides, which has caused turmoil in the reservoirs, which means bad things like e.coli and a tonne of silt have gotten active and made their way into the water, which is why my tap water is still a shade of yellow/brown. None of the chain coffee shops have been making coffee the last few days because they don't have facilities to boil water for the minute it takes to stop the contamination, so people have been a bit zombie-ish because they can't get coffee anywhere except for the small shops that don't really care about the water colour). So off we went to his tony area of town, where the water is slightly off-clear because rich people deserve a better water supply.
The cake was yummy. And I had a little coffee, though a large amount of milk in that. Maybe that's the problem: the coffee. I didn't feel particularly wired when I got home, but maybe I'm retarded for thinking coffee wouldn't affect me. Hmmm...
Well, anyway. Here I am, almost done my Neo Citran, wondering if I should take a couple swigs of the horrid cinnamon schnapps in my cupboard that I've tried foisting on visitors ("Hey, before we start drinking all my beer, wanna shot of cinnamon schapps? Burns good!"). Maybe I'll just huff some Vicks Vapostuff and be done with it. That's some good shit.
Oh, the water I used for my Neococktail is bottled water. In an unprecedented smart move, I bought a huge bottle of water on the first night of the water ban. Yesterday almost everywhere around work was out of water..... Were I thinking better, I would have bought a few.
I'm off to await the sleep.
Currently reading :
The Pig and the Skyscraper: Chicago: A History of Our Future
By Marco D'Eramo
Release date: October, 2003
Neo Citran usually clears me up enough to fall asleep, but it also sometimes does me wrong. Perhaps it's the fact that it's 80% sugar. Why must drug companies use so much sugar in their drugs? It's not like I'm going to use it more because it tastes good. My tastebuds normally have seen finer days during illnesses.
Well, that's not entirely true. I was out for my friend's birthday for a bit and partway through the evening concocted a plan with a couple other friends to go to the one's house to eat chocolate mousse cake, the very same type of cake my friend got me at work for my birthday. He also tempted at least one other friend with promises of clean water coffee (which is more tempting than you would think. Vancouver has been hit with a drinking water ban because of the excessive rainwater causing mud slides, which has caused turmoil in the reservoirs, which means bad things like e.coli and a tonne of silt have gotten active and made their way into the water, which is why my tap water is still a shade of yellow/brown. None of the chain coffee shops have been making coffee the last few days because they don't have facilities to boil water for the minute it takes to stop the contamination, so people have been a bit zombie-ish because they can't get coffee anywhere except for the small shops that don't really care about the water colour). So off we went to his tony area of town, where the water is slightly off-clear because rich people deserve a better water supply.
The cake was yummy. And I had a little coffee, though a large amount of milk in that. Maybe that's the problem: the coffee. I didn't feel particularly wired when I got home, but maybe I'm retarded for thinking coffee wouldn't affect me. Hmmm...
Well, anyway. Here I am, almost done my Neo Citran, wondering if I should take a couple swigs of the horrid cinnamon schnapps in my cupboard that I've tried foisting on visitors ("Hey, before we start drinking all my beer, wanna shot of cinnamon schapps? Burns good!"). Maybe I'll just huff some Vicks Vapostuff and be done with it. That's some good shit.
Oh, the water I used for my Neococktail is bottled water. In an unprecedented smart move, I bought a huge bottle of water on the first night of the water ban. Yesterday almost everywhere around work was out of water..... Were I thinking better, I would have bought a few.
I'm off to await the sleep.
Currently reading :
The Pig and the Skyscraper: Chicago: A History of Our Future
By Marco D'Eramo
Release date: October, 2003
Thursday, November 16, 2006
cold fx me to better health
Cough, cough.
I am starting to get an uncomfortable feeling in my throat, as though a cold or something is trying to imbed itself there, causing a lot of throat clearing and ocassional coughing. I hate this feeling, the fighting of illness, especially when I can't really do much about it.
Things are due, work needs working, birthday parties require going-to. I don't have time to get sick. So I refuse to. You hear that, body? I'm not going to get sick. End of discussion.
Maybe I should splurge for the big bottle of Cold FX. Or maybe someone can bring a PST-free one or two from Alberta so I can pay the someone back and have a backstock of it. Regardless, I have to do something quick. I can't have showers constantly until it goes away on its own. And I am not a big fan of hot lemon and honey drinks. The cat tongue problem...
OK, I'm starting to get a little freaked out. This morning I got an email from a friend from university whom I haven't spoken to for about 6 years, since I visited when I was still living in Japan. It wasn't a completely disasterous visit, but I wound up spending most of it alone because her boyfriend at the time wouldn't let her do stuff with me unless he came as well, but didn't have any money so wanted me to pay for all of us to do stuff. So it could have been better. Anyway, we haven't talked in 6 years and today I got an email from her. Not a bad email; just a feeler email, testing the water. I was so glad to get it, as I thought she hated me (this seems to be a constant, doesn't it?). But it is creepy that these reconnections are happening at the same time. It makes me worry that something terrible is going to happen to me or someone I care about.
Granted, I did have a blow-up with another friend because I don't learn from my mistakes very well, but that shouldn't have brought this karmic reconnecting. It's a whole different level of weird.
Had a short discussion with my friend that when things are going well we always brace for the bad things to start. Like I can't believe that good things just happen without consequences. He is the same, but will often sabotage himself before karma kicks his ass. Me, I tend to like to wait it out and see how cruel and creative karma can be. Regardless, it's probably a bad view of life, the waiting for bad things to happen. But with this sort of expectation you're never surprised. I'm only surprised when good things happen.
Cough, cough. Maybe the cold is the payback.
Currently listening :
Woman Is the Fuehrer of the World
By The Pop Tarts
Release date: 22 September, 1998
I am starting to get an uncomfortable feeling in my throat, as though a cold or something is trying to imbed itself there, causing a lot of throat clearing and ocassional coughing. I hate this feeling, the fighting of illness, especially when I can't really do much about it.
Things are due, work needs working, birthday parties require going-to. I don't have time to get sick. So I refuse to. You hear that, body? I'm not going to get sick. End of discussion.
Maybe I should splurge for the big bottle of Cold FX. Or maybe someone can bring a PST-free one or two from Alberta so I can pay the someone back and have a backstock of it. Regardless, I have to do something quick. I can't have showers constantly until it goes away on its own. And I am not a big fan of hot lemon and honey drinks. The cat tongue problem...
OK, I'm starting to get a little freaked out. This morning I got an email from a friend from university whom I haven't spoken to for about 6 years, since I visited when I was still living in Japan. It wasn't a completely disasterous visit, but I wound up spending most of it alone because her boyfriend at the time wouldn't let her do stuff with me unless he came as well, but didn't have any money so wanted me to pay for all of us to do stuff. So it could have been better. Anyway, we haven't talked in 6 years and today I got an email from her. Not a bad email; just a feeler email, testing the water. I was so glad to get it, as I thought she hated me (this seems to be a constant, doesn't it?). But it is creepy that these reconnections are happening at the same time. It makes me worry that something terrible is going to happen to me or someone I care about.
Granted, I did have a blow-up with another friend because I don't learn from my mistakes very well, but that shouldn't have brought this karmic reconnecting. It's a whole different level of weird.
Had a short discussion with my friend that when things are going well we always brace for the bad things to start. Like I can't believe that good things just happen without consequences. He is the same, but will often sabotage himself before karma kicks his ass. Me, I tend to like to wait it out and see how cruel and creative karma can be. Regardless, it's probably a bad view of life, the waiting for bad things to happen. But with this sort of expectation you're never surprised. I'm only surprised when good things happen.
Cough, cough. Maybe the cold is the payback.
Currently listening :
Woman Is the Fuehrer of the World
By The Pop Tarts
Release date: 22 September, 1998
Monday, November 13, 2006
the deal with boys?
I retract my statement about JJ Jellybean.
This morning I discovered that a friend that stopped speaking to me in February was signed on to IM. Surprised, I sent a tenative message to see if he was really there because I couldn't believe it. (I haven't seen him on since we stopped talking. Ever.) We wound up IMing for quite a while, catching up a little bit, getting some stuff sorted out and in the open. It was a relief, really, on top of being pretty exciting. I've missed him so much, yet resigned myself to the fact that we probably would never speak again. It sounded like he was feeling the same way, and perhaps moreso lately. So now we've made a pact to try to talk regularly again and I hope it happens. I'm not a fan of losing people I care about. And I especially hate losing the same person more than once.
This fall has been strange for me with boys. Men, if you prefer. All kinds of unexpected surprises, these boys. Now I just need to start getting declarations of love from the boys I had crushes on from the time I was 12 to complete the circle. Can't explain what changed because I'm not convinced it's me. Distraction seems to be somehow attractive, I guess.
Oh, I'm so super excited because Darcy will be visiting in just a few weeks! Good times! It will be just before the very end of school, when classes are done and just two assignments need finishing (though I'm hoping to be done by then). Haven't gotten tickets to the show he wants to see (they didn't have them at Scratch, D.), so will need to figure this out somehow soon or get my ass kicked.
I am also starting to adore a few of my classmates, much more than I thought I would. So close to being friends outside of school, too. Making friends as an adult is pretty satisfying.
Currently listening :
Universal Audio
By The Delgados
Release date: 28 September, 2004
This morning I discovered that a friend that stopped speaking to me in February was signed on to IM. Surprised, I sent a tenative message to see if he was really there because I couldn't believe it. (I haven't seen him on since we stopped talking. Ever.) We wound up IMing for quite a while, catching up a little bit, getting some stuff sorted out and in the open. It was a relief, really, on top of being pretty exciting. I've missed him so much, yet resigned myself to the fact that we probably would never speak again. It sounded like he was feeling the same way, and perhaps moreso lately. So now we've made a pact to try to talk regularly again and I hope it happens. I'm not a fan of losing people I care about. And I especially hate losing the same person more than once.
This fall has been strange for me with boys. Men, if you prefer. All kinds of unexpected surprises, these boys. Now I just need to start getting declarations of love from the boys I had crushes on from the time I was 12 to complete the circle. Can't explain what changed because I'm not convinced it's me. Distraction seems to be somehow attractive, I guess.
Oh, I'm so super excited because Darcy will be visiting in just a few weeks! Good times! It will be just before the very end of school, when classes are done and just two assignments need finishing (though I'm hoping to be done by then). Haven't gotten tickets to the show he wants to see (they didn't have them at Scratch, D.), so will need to figure this out somehow soon or get my ass kicked.
I am also starting to adore a few of my classmates, much more than I thought I would. So close to being friends outside of school, too. Making friends as an adult is pretty satisfying.
Currently listening :
Universal Audio
By The Delgados
Release date: 28 September, 2004
Saturday, November 11, 2006
le rock out
Went to Bonnie "Prince" Billy last night with Rachel and Nathan, a rare night out with the both of them sans le bebe. I spent a little dancing time with Augie beforehand, which was pretty rad. He's an amusing little kid and it's fun that he responds when I ask him stuff. Little man, he is. Now that he's talking a bit more, I'm going to have to start convincing him to say my name. We did some high fives, so he's on the way to being an appropriate rock out friend. Maybe we should discuss having a dance party since he busts out some hot moves for a 19 1/2-month-old. He was partying with a 25-month-old last night as well and I'm pretty excited about the next 6 months, watching his personality develop even more. He's pretty sweet.
The show was at St. James, an old church that now seems to be a community centre, even though the pews are still there. The sound was really warm and the place full of moderate hippies: lots of recycled woolens and unkempt hair on heads and faces and beer in plastic cups. I'm starting to really prefer seeing shows in unconventional locales, like old churches and libraries. I think it diversifies the crowd somehow. I'm pretty sick of hipsters, truth be told. There was a baby there and I worried for his ears, but he barely made a noise the whole night and didn't seem disturbed by the music. Maybe his parents shoved earplugs in or something. Or maybe they're just bad parents.
I also collected my birthday present from Rachel and Nathan, and, I must admit, I'm not sure how I can top this for either of them. They got me a starter ukelele and practice book! I'm so excited to have one of my very own; I'd been borrowing one of theirs. It's green and from a Hawaiian company, so should be good for Don Ho songs, since that's the sort of ukelele stuff I love anyway. I might even sign up for classes in the new year (I meant to do it this month, but things sort of got out of control with school). Actually, I probably will. I'm not a good self-motivator lately. I need the structure.
If you're going to Meligrove Band tonight, tell me how it goes and try to convince those boys to come back soon. Seriously, the worst night ever to play a show on-campus.
This morning I'm heading off to Victory Square for the Remembrance Day ceremony and then to the Billy Bishop Legion for a few. Please take a few minutes to acknowledge those that served; I know I would not be alive if they hadn't.
Currently listening :
Tan Simple Como El Amor
By La Casa Azul
Release date: 23 March, 2004
The show was at St. James, an old church that now seems to be a community centre, even though the pews are still there. The sound was really warm and the place full of moderate hippies: lots of recycled woolens and unkempt hair on heads and faces and beer in plastic cups. I'm starting to really prefer seeing shows in unconventional locales, like old churches and libraries. I think it diversifies the crowd somehow. I'm pretty sick of hipsters, truth be told. There was a baby there and I worried for his ears, but he barely made a noise the whole night and didn't seem disturbed by the music. Maybe his parents shoved earplugs in or something. Or maybe they're just bad parents.
I also collected my birthday present from Rachel and Nathan, and, I must admit, I'm not sure how I can top this for either of them. They got me a starter ukelele and practice book! I'm so excited to have one of my very own; I'd been borrowing one of theirs. It's green and from a Hawaiian company, so should be good for Don Ho songs, since that's the sort of ukelele stuff I love anyway. I might even sign up for classes in the new year (I meant to do it this month, but things sort of got out of control with school). Actually, I probably will. I'm not a good self-motivator lately. I need the structure.
If you're going to Meligrove Band tonight, tell me how it goes and try to convince those boys to come back soon. Seriously, the worst night ever to play a show on-campus.
This morning I'm heading off to Victory Square for the Remembrance Day ceremony and then to the Billy Bishop Legion for a few. Please take a few minutes to acknowledge those that served; I know I would not be alive if they hadn't.
Currently listening :
Tan Simple Como El Amor
By La Casa Azul
Release date: 23 March, 2004
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
i want my cbc.... job
I think I talked myself into a guaranteed job at CBC Toronto when I graduate with a handshake witnessed by a few others. The guy is the boss librarian guy in Toronto and said I could get a job with CBC Toronto whenever I want. Like, I could get a job next week. Sweet news!
We'll see if this stands up. The CBC librarians seem like a rambunctious lot, nation-wide.
I was at my friend's birthday party and I was drinking with the CBC guys. A job at CBC Toronto would be the best job ever.
Beer is making my head swim. I hope I don't make any bad phone calls.
We'll see if this stands up. The CBC librarians seem like a rambunctious lot, nation-wide.
I was at my friend's birthday party and I was drinking with the CBC guys. A job at CBC Toronto would be the best job ever.
Beer is making my head swim. I hope I don't make any bad phone calls.
blue skies
This morning I decided to do one of my favourite morning activities just because the sky is blue and the weather fine. I took the #3 into Chinatown, got off at Pender and got some breakfast from New Town. There were a few men in the restaurant having an indecipherable conversation, of which I like to assume they were discussing how smart their grandkids were or the state of the alleyways of Chinatown.
With steamed bun in hand, I set off on my walk to work. The sounds of morning Chinatown are what I love most. This morning there was a squeaking, squealing storefront gate opened ever so slightly and closed just the same at Ming Wo. An ancient woman swept (in vain) to remove sopping wet leaves from the sidewalk in front of her variety store. Downtown Eastside residents were yelling loudly down one of the alleys. Buses whizzed by, the motors reverberating against the buildings lining Pender.
Since the light was so lovely and crisp, the colours were extra vibrant. The green and red building down from the Dr. Sun Yat Sen garden is generally best, but a few of the association buildings were looking quite fine as well. There are just a few trees with leaves left, the few stragglers too stubborn to fall and join their mates in the mushy brown mulch that collects around the tree base and along the street. The sun reflected into my eyes from the windows on the north side of the street, forcing me to close them and take in the brightness through my eyelids, a wash of orange.
Even if the rest of the day doesn't go so well, at least I have the morning.
With steamed bun in hand, I set off on my walk to work. The sounds of morning Chinatown are what I love most. This morning there was a squeaking, squealing storefront gate opened ever so slightly and closed just the same at Ming Wo. An ancient woman swept (in vain) to remove sopping wet leaves from the sidewalk in front of her variety store. Downtown Eastside residents were yelling loudly down one of the alleys. Buses whizzed by, the motors reverberating against the buildings lining Pender.
Since the light was so lovely and crisp, the colours were extra vibrant. The green and red building down from the Dr. Sun Yat Sen garden is generally best, but a few of the association buildings were looking quite fine as well. There are just a few trees with leaves left, the few stragglers too stubborn to fall and join their mates in the mushy brown mulch that collects around the tree base and along the street. The sun reflected into my eyes from the windows on the north side of the street, forcing me to close them and take in the brightness through my eyelids, a wash of orange.
Even if the rest of the day doesn't go so well, at least I have the morning.
Sunday, November 5, 2006
keeping things in perspective
Yesterday I met up with my good friend to catch up. I haven't seen him since September and haven't had much chance to talk other than a few rushed conversations. It was good to enlighten him on some of the more... interesting... events of the last month or so and get his perspective on some of it.
One story, in particular, I knew he would find interesting because he knows one of the people involved and I wanted to see if I could surprise him. The look on his face was actually worth the humiliation of admission and that it took him about 5 minutes to recover made it all the more hilarious and sad. I think he's just happy that anything noteworthy is happening in my life, even if it is a bit tumultuous and generally fucked up. Secretly, so am I. I kind of find soap opera drama funny, even when it's happening to me. Don't get me wrong: I hate feeling fucked up, but it's something.
That's the thing. When nothing was going on in my life, when I was just coasting along waiting for something to happen I didn't feel like I was alive. Now I feel something: some of it good, some of it bad, but SOMEthing. I need to learn how to roll with it all and not take things as seriously as I usually do. You know this; I told you.
Last night I talked to a friend about a shitty conversation/argument we had and I actually apologised for the way I had acted and admitted to being selfish. Me. I never do that. But lately I've been trying to stop being so passive aggressive and to take ownership of (some of) the stuff I've fucked up without overapologising. I suspect that this new trend might actually be less stressful in the long run, but I'm still in the trial stage to see how it goes over and how well I do with it.
Still haven't gotten over being insensitive, but I suspect that will require ongoing work.
Things of note in upcoming weeks:
- The Grates @ Media Club, Nov.19th
- Christine's 40th birthday, Nov.17th
- Bonnie "Prince" Billy @ St. James, Nov.10th
- Remembrance Day @ Billy Bishop, Nov.11th
- two full days off work (by force)
- a barrage of assignments due weekly from now until Dec.8th
- possible party at mine shortly after Dec.8th
Currently listening :
Evolution
By Ayumi Hamasaki
Release date: 27 February, 2001
One story, in particular, I knew he would find interesting because he knows one of the people involved and I wanted to see if I could surprise him. The look on his face was actually worth the humiliation of admission and that it took him about 5 minutes to recover made it all the more hilarious and sad. I think he's just happy that anything noteworthy is happening in my life, even if it is a bit tumultuous and generally fucked up. Secretly, so am I. I kind of find soap opera drama funny, even when it's happening to me. Don't get me wrong: I hate feeling fucked up, but it's something.
That's the thing. When nothing was going on in my life, when I was just coasting along waiting for something to happen I didn't feel like I was alive. Now I feel something: some of it good, some of it bad, but SOMEthing. I need to learn how to roll with it all and not take things as seriously as I usually do. You know this; I told you.
Last night I talked to a friend about a shitty conversation/argument we had and I actually apologised for the way I had acted and admitted to being selfish. Me. I never do that. But lately I've been trying to stop being so passive aggressive and to take ownership of (some of) the stuff I've fucked up without overapologising. I suspect that this new trend might actually be less stressful in the long run, but I'm still in the trial stage to see how it goes over and how well I do with it.
Still haven't gotten over being insensitive, but I suspect that will require ongoing work.
Things of note in upcoming weeks:
- The Grates @ Media Club, Nov.19th
- Christine's 40th birthday, Nov.17th
- Bonnie "Prince" Billy @ St. James, Nov.10th
- Remembrance Day @ Billy Bishop, Nov.11th
- two full days off work (by force)
- a barrage of assignments due weekly from now until Dec.8th
- possible party at mine shortly after Dec.8th
Currently listening :
Evolution
By Ayumi Hamasaki
Release date: 27 February, 2001
Saturday, November 4, 2006
slumbering
Last night I went to Shambar, a Belgian restaurant, and drank a bunch of yummy beer. I have to remember that, at a certain point, I don't want to see people trying to hook up and must remove myself as quickly as possible at that point. Happiness in others frustrates me more than I want to admit, largely due to jealousy and envy.
By the time I got home I was feeling pretty down. The weather, the circumstances of recent weeks, the impending doom with unfinished assignments... whatever it was, I didn't want to be alone. I made some phone calls, talked to a few people, and luckily got ahold of Tangiene. She came over for a bit on the condition that we would have to talk in my bed because my bed is comforting and that's what I wanted. We had a good catch-up and it made me want to plan a slumber party because it was fun to giggle in bed with a sweet friend. And who doesn't want to giggle in bed once in a while?
Weeks of neglect have made me bashful about phoning people to reconnect. I feel like a negligent letter-writer: I have much to say, have started conversations in my head, but haven't been able to get it all down on paper enough to send; just clips and partially-completed thoughts, none of which make up enough of a cohesive conversation to make me follow through with the sending of ideas. I suspect this means I have to have a party once school is over this term so I can feel less of a heel and more of a socializer with those that I haven't seen/talked to much since school started. I hope it isn't too late.
Off to work.
Currently listening :
Sambassadeur
By Sambassadeur
Release date: 13 September, 2005
By the time I got home I was feeling pretty down. The weather, the circumstances of recent weeks, the impending doom with unfinished assignments... whatever it was, I didn't want to be alone. I made some phone calls, talked to a few people, and luckily got ahold of Tangiene. She came over for a bit on the condition that we would have to talk in my bed because my bed is comforting and that's what I wanted. We had a good catch-up and it made me want to plan a slumber party because it was fun to giggle in bed with a sweet friend. And who doesn't want to giggle in bed once in a while?
Weeks of neglect have made me bashful about phoning people to reconnect. I feel like a negligent letter-writer: I have much to say, have started conversations in my head, but haven't been able to get it all down on paper enough to send; just clips and partially-completed thoughts, none of which make up enough of a cohesive conversation to make me follow through with the sending of ideas. I suspect this means I have to have a party once school is over this term so I can feel less of a heel and more of a socializer with those that I haven't seen/talked to much since school started. I hope it isn't too late.
Off to work.
Currently listening :
Sambassadeur
By Sambassadeur
Release date: 13 September, 2005
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