Today I wanted to go into work to make up for some time I owe. Or ride the bus to the serger repair place with my broken machine. Or to the cheese shop in my neighbourhood that recently opened for their grand opening. Or outside my house at all.

The light is falling and I haven't left my house.

You might imagine that means I'm doing something useful in my house. I'm not; I haven't done anything today. I'm completely unmotivated to do the stuff that normal people would do around the house. There's just no real reason to do anything. I'm the only one who will see my apartment, the only one who eats here, the only one who has to live with the piles. What I do or don't do doesn't actually matter.

But this is starting to carry over into whatever life I have outside of my house. It doesn't matter if I leave my house on days like today because, even if I do, my interactions will be with strangers. It makes sense to just go to work instead of everything else because at least I'll be productive. And I can't even convince myself to do that today.

The thing is... It's become clearer that my life is always about 5 months from nothingness. I've got work for a while, but the end of each contract is always on my mind. It's never not on my mind. So it seems pointless to do anything around the house when I know I might lose it all in a few months. Irrational? I have no idea; it is a real possibility.

If I don't have a full-time job by the end of April that's it for me; my opportunities are done here. With my contracts done and nothing more permanent, I'm fucked. How do you convince yourself to do anything when you can't even imagine your life in 5 months, when there's just nothing there?

giving up (for real)

Today I realised that every guy I've dated the last few years is now in a committed relationship. Sigh. Bring out the dancing horses.

Years and years ago, an ex-boyfriend thanked me for giving him the confidence to date his (now) wife. Apparently I have some sort of magical skill in building up the men I'm with. I see it as a shift in power: I give them part of mine so they have lots and I have none. Recently someone I dated off and on informed me that he's going to commit with an old ex-girlfriend because, dating me, he realised he had the best connection with her and he was glad that I helped him realise that.

Wouldn't it be nice if I was the one thanking some guy for helping me find the person I fit with? But, based on the males I've known, that's never going to happen because these relationships are never about me; they're always about how it's going to help him. Of course I want the person I'm with to be happy. I would just prefer him to be happy with me instead of someone else. Yet it never feels very reciprocal. After I crumble, it always becomes apparent that it was one-sided, that I put in too much effort with not a lot of results.

So. I just give up. I'm going to hide at work and hide at home and then I don't have to worry about another disaster waiting to happen. My childhood friend told me this week that it only takes one guy to be the right one. Unfortunately I don't think I can wait anymore for him to get his shit together and find me.