Last night I saw Daniel Johnston and while it was sweet and brought me close to tears, I realised that I am an eternal pessimist. There is no chance for the kind of optimism he has.
I find myself in situations that can do nothing but end badly. Even the seemingly positive ones just don't pan out and I'm left wondering what I did this time to fuck things up. Because the common denominator in all these situations is me.
As I walked from the bus to my house early this morning, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sadness that very little seems to be going right lately. There's all this potential for great things to happen, but then little things remind me that, inevitably, I will fail in the process and a little bit of my soul will die with each failure.
It's hard to be optimistic when this sort of realisation hits you.
So please understand that I'm going to lay low for a while. I just can't stand the thought of fucking up more friendships right now because it's really the only thing that is a sure thing right now.
2 comments:
Listen, I KNOW exactly ( well not exactly, I'm not you, but pretty close) how you are feeling right now. But can I tell you.... You are too hard on yourself....you have to be kind to yourself. It is not you that is fucking up....you are not the common denominator....you may fuck up some of the time... we all do... but then evrybody does it. You, like me and a lot of us in the S.S.S. are way too much in out heads...that is our nature...but then it can fuck you up. You are not necessarily fucking up, things are not going the way you want them to... no matter how much you know, or want it to be so, sometimes it won't go that way... trust me I know... that is something you gotta accept.. I am trying ( really hard) not be living ( dwelling) in the past... or the future...but just in the here and now. I have to be kind to myself...and so do you!
You are good people ric-rac...don't you ever forget that!
[Big Hug!]
You're good people, too, Hag. Thanks for the encouragement.
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