I finished the last of my schoolwork this morning. I am done with school. I think this is a good thing. Yet, at the same time, I feel so underwhelmed that I wonder if I'm missing something.
I don't know what I expected. Bells and whistles, high fives, people falling over themselves offering me jobs: these are not things I thought would happen when I finished. Nothing seems appropriate. Because, honestly, even though I had ridiculously supportive people around me for the duration of this degree, I am insular and don't expect anyone to care. It isn't really going to improve anyone else's life. And I'm not much fun to be around right now, so it seems weird when people acknowledge the school thing because I don't really deserve any adulation lately.
You know what I really want? I want to be nice and not have people annoyed with me because I'm so overwhelming. What do I do if I don't become more relaxed and easy going now that I have more time? What if I'm just always a bitch now? This freaks me out, yet I can't figure out how to avoid being terrible, except to hide in a cave somewhere. I'm almost positive there aren't any library jobs in caves. Or under rocks.
Mini notes:
1) I got to see my sweet friend Olivia today for brunch and had a lovely visit and walk through the West End. She was taken with Mole Hill and was intrigued by JapaDog as we walked by. So great to see her!
2) Next week I have to get some gum surgery done, which sort of freaks me out because I will still be recovering when I leave on my trip. And then I won't have any dental coverage. Do I have any reason to be terrified about my mouth being cut up? I will try not to watch any of those terrible horror films involving mouth torture.
3) Daniel Johnston plays this week and I'm stoked! In some ways, I'm terrified to see him, but at the same time hopeful that he's doing better and that this is the best thing for him.
4) I think I may miss seeing cherry blossoms at this rate. They're falling off trees like crazy, and I haven't had time to sit under them yet. :(
5) When I visit Toronto, I get to see the storage areas at the Bata Shoe Museum!!! Holy crazy, this will kick ASS!!! I'm getting excited about this trip, but will discuss it later.
I'm going to wallow in self-pity for a while and maybe figure out if I want to try to get to the Army & Navy shoe sale at 7am tomorrow in the hopes of getting some shoes before work.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
star sighting?
Today I saw John Doe.
It was in the lobby at the Chan Centre, after Douglas Coupland's chat to Arts students (of which I am one). He has scary light blue/green eyes and I eventually pretended he wasn't there because his eyes reminded me of Children of the Corn. I know he has a real name, but I refuse to acknowledge it. He's pretty cute in person.
DougCoup was amusing, at least until he talked about his bouts of depression and writer's block (remedied by eating dark chocolate). Some of the most helpful "miscellaneous tips":
- Your 20s are the worst time of your life. Don't expect anything good.
- Drinking is great.
- Like something enough and eventually you'll get a job doing it.
- Japan is fun.
There was more stuff, but I can't remember much more than when he called us all lucky little pukes. I can't believe I talked myself out of getting him to sign my first edition "Microserfs." Though it seems likely this won't be the last chance.
Unrelated...
Today proved productive, with both website assignments ready to have stuff dropped into them. Now I just have to write the content. I've been trying to write the content for 3 weeks. Guess I should get some dark chocolate and see what happens.
Anyone want to go drinking next week/weekend?
It was in the lobby at the Chan Centre, after Douglas Coupland's chat to Arts students (of which I am one). He has scary light blue/green eyes and I eventually pretended he wasn't there because his eyes reminded me of Children of the Corn. I know he has a real name, but I refuse to acknowledge it. He's pretty cute in person.
DougCoup was amusing, at least until he talked about his bouts of depression and writer's block (remedied by eating dark chocolate). Some of the most helpful "miscellaneous tips":
- Your 20s are the worst time of your life. Don't expect anything good.
- Drinking is great.
- Like something enough and eventually you'll get a job doing it.
- Japan is fun.
There was more stuff, but I can't remember much more than when he called us all lucky little pukes. I can't believe I talked myself out of getting him to sign my first edition "Microserfs." Though it seems likely this won't be the last chance.
Unrelated...
Today proved productive, with both website assignments ready to have stuff dropped into them. Now I just have to write the content. I've been trying to write the content for 3 weeks. Guess I should get some dark chocolate and see what happens.
Anyone want to go drinking next week/weekend?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
greener grass
The sun has come out and I'm listening to "Left and Leaving" by the Weakerthans. It's making me melancholy, like something is about to change and I really need to pay attention to what's going on around me or I'm going to miss out on something.
This is silly, of course. It's inevitable things are going to change, and quickly. In a week I'll (hopefully) be done my degree and will be faced with nothing but change. Still, the impending change feels more geographical and that freaks me out a little.
I saw a posting for a decent entry job at the library of my alma mater. For a minute I contemplated applying to it and my stomach did somersaults, an uneasiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Don't get me wrong; I mean, I really liked living in Edmonton for my degree, largely because I made fantastic friends there and got in with the music scene with some success. There are still a handful of friends living there, yet I know the city is different and that's probably what worries me. Or maybe it's that I finally feel established here and leaving right now feels overwhelming and impossible.
For a while I had convinced myself that three years was enough time to be anywhere. In my third year of university I desperately wanted to drop out and move anywhere else, but instead took a trip to Chicago, New York and Baltimore for a month and had a reasonably unhealthy long distance infatuation following that. The nagging will to bolt was squelched, though temporarily. In Japan I was good and crazy at the end of three years and it wasn't hard to move back home and recuperate, even though it took almost a full year-and-a-half to feel relatively normal again. Three years into this last stay in Vancouver I thought it was time to look elsewhere for a new start, looking to move to London, ON for school, but then decided it would be more affordable to go to school here.
The underlying want to leave is still there. I just don't know where it is I think I'm going. That whole George Peppard "no matter where you run, you just wind up running into yourself" spiel is likely why I'm having second thoughts. I don't know why I feel like I always have to leave.
I remember being about 3, at the height of my cute blondness, and trying to hide under my blanket in the middle of my parents' party after I'd already been put to bed. I was certain no one would notice me there because I couldn't see anyone, but knew I wanted to be in the middle of the action. When I got sent back to my bed I was disappointed because I knew I was missing out on something fun.
It annoys me that I'm still trying to hide under my blanket at the party, trying to find something better. At what point is what I've got enough?
This is silly, of course. It's inevitable things are going to change, and quickly. In a week I'll (hopefully) be done my degree and will be faced with nothing but change. Still, the impending change feels more geographical and that freaks me out a little.
I saw a posting for a decent entry job at the library of my alma mater. For a minute I contemplated applying to it and my stomach did somersaults, an uneasiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Don't get me wrong; I mean, I really liked living in Edmonton for my degree, largely because I made fantastic friends there and got in with the music scene with some success. There are still a handful of friends living there, yet I know the city is different and that's probably what worries me. Or maybe it's that I finally feel established here and leaving right now feels overwhelming and impossible.
For a while I had convinced myself that three years was enough time to be anywhere. In my third year of university I desperately wanted to drop out and move anywhere else, but instead took a trip to Chicago, New York and Baltimore for a month and had a reasonably unhealthy long distance infatuation following that. The nagging will to bolt was squelched, though temporarily. In Japan I was good and crazy at the end of three years and it wasn't hard to move back home and recuperate, even though it took almost a full year-and-a-half to feel relatively normal again. Three years into this last stay in Vancouver I thought it was time to look elsewhere for a new start, looking to move to London, ON for school, but then decided it would be more affordable to go to school here.
The underlying want to leave is still there. I just don't know where it is I think I'm going. That whole George Peppard "no matter where you run, you just wind up running into yourself" spiel is likely why I'm having second thoughts. I don't know why I feel like I always have to leave.
I remember being about 3, at the height of my cute blondness, and trying to hide under my blanket in the middle of my parents' party after I'd already been put to bed. I was certain no one would notice me there because I couldn't see anyone, but knew I wanted to be in the middle of the action. When I got sent back to my bed I was disappointed because I knew I was missing out on something fun.
It annoys me that I'm still trying to hide under my blanket at the party, trying to find something better. At what point is what I've got enough?
Monday, April 7, 2008
glimmers
Despite the crap weather today, I had moments of feeling OK. It was fleeting, lasting only a few minutes, but it happened twice. Both times were fairly incidental and maybe they didn't really happen, but I don't think so.
The first occurred when I left work to catch the bus to campus to finish an assignment (not one of the assignments that is keeping me awake at night). I looked across the street at the way the light hit the glass at the Centre's entrance and felt like things were OK. This after stomach pains from anxiety for part of the afternoon.
The second came during the bus ride back to my neighbourhood. I glanced out the window, as I'm want to do, and the view down Burrard cleared my mind instantly. The green apartment building glowed brightly despite the overall grey of the afternoon, and slivers of brightness hung over the snowy mountains on the North Shore.
Sometimes I like living here.
The first occurred when I left work to catch the bus to campus to finish an assignment (not one of the assignments that is keeping me awake at night). I looked across the street at the way the light hit the glass at the Centre's entrance and felt like things were OK. This after stomach pains from anxiety for part of the afternoon.
The second came during the bus ride back to my neighbourhood. I glanced out the window, as I'm want to do, and the view down Burrard cleared my mind instantly. The green apartment building glowed brightly despite the overall grey of the afternoon, and slivers of brightness hung over the snowy mountains on the North Shore.
Sometimes I like living here.
Friday, April 4, 2008
selling out, in a bad way
I think the Planned Parenthood commercial I just watched featured a Scissor Sisters song. Reasons this is weird:
1) it seems unlikely anyone in that band would be at risk of having kids anyway,
2) PP is usually based on religious beliefs that mean abortion is a sin, and often also say the same about boys liking boys, and
3) SS has become lame or PP has tried to reach a new demographic.
I feel weird owning a SS record now.
1) it seems unlikely anyone in that band would be at risk of having kids anyway,
2) PP is usually based on religious beliefs that mean abortion is a sin, and often also say the same about boys liking boys, and
3) SS has become lame or PP has tried to reach a new demographic.
I feel weird owning a SS record now.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
double lame
Wow, the Canucks sort of suck. A lot.
I won't be disappointed that they won't be in the playoffs because I hate crowds of retards making it impossible to get away from work at night or making nights out downtown difficult. I hate clumps of drunk people, especially when those clumps yell at me such gems as, "Fuck, ya! Canucks!" or "Woooooooo!!! Canucks!!!" These cheers are usually screamed right into my ear or face because, obviously, proximity is key in getting people like me on your side.
Maybe I'll try that from now on to get people to do what I want.
OK, I did a SurveyMonkey survey today because I wanted to try to win technology. Is giving personal information worth an iTouch? Probably not, especially since the chance of me winning is 0.000437%, but I can't NOT enter. Fucking SurveyMonkey... They make it so easy to answer, yet store the results in the States. Do I really care about the IT department at the university? No. Do I want an iTouch? Hells ya.
I complain about the lameness of sports fans, but I laughed at back-of-the-book indexes in class this morning. That's lame. But how could I not when one of the index terms was "monstrous big whore" when describing a particular woman in a biography?!
Oh cripes, this is how lame I've become. Library jokes like yelling, "Ranganathan!!!" are funny. Maybe I should yell that at sports fans who yell at me about the Canucks...
I won't be disappointed that they won't be in the playoffs because I hate crowds of retards making it impossible to get away from work at night or making nights out downtown difficult. I hate clumps of drunk people, especially when those clumps yell at me such gems as, "Fuck, ya! Canucks!" or "Woooooooo!!! Canucks!!!" These cheers are usually screamed right into my ear or face because, obviously, proximity is key in getting people like me on your side.
Maybe I'll try that from now on to get people to do what I want.
OK, I did a SurveyMonkey survey today because I wanted to try to win technology. Is giving personal information worth an iTouch? Probably not, especially since the chance of me winning is 0.000437%, but I can't NOT enter. Fucking SurveyMonkey... They make it so easy to answer, yet store the results in the States. Do I really care about the IT department at the university? No. Do I want an iTouch? Hells ya.
I complain about the lameness of sports fans, but I laughed at back-of-the-book indexes in class this morning. That's lame. But how could I not when one of the index terms was "monstrous big whore" when describing a particular woman in a biography?!
Oh cripes, this is how lame I've become. Library jokes like yelling, "Ranganathan!!!" are funny. Maybe I should yell that at sports fans who yell at me about the Canucks...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
mounting frustration
I wish boys would put out more frequently. Especially this week. Effort is something I lack currently, so, really, I rely on them to make a move. Right now it would be lovely to have someone stroke my hair, or to distract me from the anxiety that riddles my thoughts during every waking hour. I wish there were boys in Vancouver.
How long can a daruma last before you give up and burn it? There's a time limit on wishes, isn't there? Am I jinxing myself keeping it even though my wish hasn't come true?
Brain is mushy. Want to drink excessively. Hate school/work. Long day. Ugh.
Just remembered... I think I might have a couple of things planned for my trip. The Yankees are playing daily, the White Sox have a few games, and... well, not sure about Toronto, other than the guided tour of "Scott Pilgrim" locales by the person "Scott Pilgrim" was technically named after, which sounds pretty exciting to me. I'm hoping my flights are still booked; I'm not sure when to check something like that, since I just assume it's confirmed (I did pay for it already). I'm From Barcelona is playing the day I get into NYC and I REALLY want to go to that show, but have heard flights into the city are usually quite late/delayed. Anyone have any insight into this?
Bed, bed. 'Night, 'night.
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