The sun has come out and I'm listening to "Left and Leaving" by the Weakerthans. It's making me melancholy, like something is about to change and I really need to pay attention to what's going on around me or I'm going to miss out on something.
This is silly, of course. It's inevitable things are going to change, and quickly. In a week I'll (hopefully) be done my degree and will be faced with nothing but change. Still, the impending change feels more geographical and that freaks me out a little.
I saw a posting for a decent entry job at the library of my alma mater. For a minute I contemplated applying to it and my stomach did somersaults, an uneasiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Don't get me wrong; I mean, I really liked living in Edmonton for my degree, largely because I made fantastic friends there and got in with the music scene with some success. There are still a handful of friends living there, yet I know the city is different and that's probably what worries me. Or maybe it's that I finally feel established here and leaving right now feels overwhelming and impossible.
For a while I had convinced myself that three years was enough time to be anywhere. In my third year of university I desperately wanted to drop out and move anywhere else, but instead took a trip to Chicago, New York and Baltimore for a month and had a reasonably unhealthy long distance infatuation following that. The nagging will to bolt was squelched, though temporarily. In Japan I was good and crazy at the end of three years and it wasn't hard to move back home and recuperate, even though it took almost a full year-and-a-half to feel relatively normal again. Three years into this last stay in Vancouver I thought it was time to look elsewhere for a new start, looking to move to London, ON for school, but then decided it would be more affordable to go to school here.
The underlying want to leave is still there. I just don't know where it is I think I'm going. That whole George Peppard "no matter where you run, you just wind up running into yourself" spiel is likely why I'm having second thoughts. I don't know why I feel like I always have to leave.
I remember being about 3, at the height of my cute blondness, and trying to hide under my blanket in the middle of my parents' party after I'd already been put to bed. I was certain no one would notice me there because I couldn't see anyone, but knew I wanted to be in the middle of the action. When I got sent back to my bed I was disappointed because I knew I was missing out on something fun.
It annoys me that I'm still trying to hide under my blanket at the party, trying to find something better. At what point is what I've got enough?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
glimmers
Despite the crap weather today, I had moments of feeling OK. It was fleeting, lasting only a few minutes, but it happened twice. Both times were fairly incidental and maybe they didn't really happen, but I don't think so.
The first occurred when I left work to catch the bus to campus to finish an assignment (not one of the assignments that is keeping me awake at night). I looked across the street at the way the light hit the glass at the Centre's entrance and felt like things were OK. This after stomach pains from anxiety for part of the afternoon.
The second came during the bus ride back to my neighbourhood. I glanced out the window, as I'm want to do, and the view down Burrard cleared my mind instantly. The green apartment building glowed brightly despite the overall grey of the afternoon, and slivers of brightness hung over the snowy mountains on the North Shore.
Sometimes I like living here.
The first occurred when I left work to catch the bus to campus to finish an assignment (not one of the assignments that is keeping me awake at night). I looked across the street at the way the light hit the glass at the Centre's entrance and felt like things were OK. This after stomach pains from anxiety for part of the afternoon.
The second came during the bus ride back to my neighbourhood. I glanced out the window, as I'm want to do, and the view down Burrard cleared my mind instantly. The green apartment building glowed brightly despite the overall grey of the afternoon, and slivers of brightness hung over the snowy mountains on the North Shore.
Sometimes I like living here.
Friday, April 4, 2008
selling out, in a bad way
I think the Planned Parenthood commercial I just watched featured a Scissor Sisters song. Reasons this is weird:
1) it seems unlikely anyone in that band would be at risk of having kids anyway,
2) PP is usually based on religious beliefs that mean abortion is a sin, and often also say the same about boys liking boys, and
3) SS has become lame or PP has tried to reach a new demographic.
I feel weird owning a SS record now.
1) it seems unlikely anyone in that band would be at risk of having kids anyway,
2) PP is usually based on religious beliefs that mean abortion is a sin, and often also say the same about boys liking boys, and
3) SS has become lame or PP has tried to reach a new demographic.
I feel weird owning a SS record now.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
double lame
Wow, the Canucks sort of suck. A lot.
I won't be disappointed that they won't be in the playoffs because I hate crowds of retards making it impossible to get away from work at night or making nights out downtown difficult. I hate clumps of drunk people, especially when those clumps yell at me such gems as, "Fuck, ya! Canucks!" or "Woooooooo!!! Canucks!!!" These cheers are usually screamed right into my ear or face because, obviously, proximity is key in getting people like me on your side.
Maybe I'll try that from now on to get people to do what I want.
OK, I did a SurveyMonkey survey today because I wanted to try to win technology. Is giving personal information worth an iTouch? Probably not, especially since the chance of me winning is 0.000437%, but I can't NOT enter. Fucking SurveyMonkey... They make it so easy to answer, yet store the results in the States. Do I really care about the IT department at the university? No. Do I want an iTouch? Hells ya.
I complain about the lameness of sports fans, but I laughed at back-of-the-book indexes in class this morning. That's lame. But how could I not when one of the index terms was "monstrous big whore" when describing a particular woman in a biography?!
Oh cripes, this is how lame I've become. Library jokes like yelling, "Ranganathan!!!" are funny. Maybe I should yell that at sports fans who yell at me about the Canucks...
I won't be disappointed that they won't be in the playoffs because I hate crowds of retards making it impossible to get away from work at night or making nights out downtown difficult. I hate clumps of drunk people, especially when those clumps yell at me such gems as, "Fuck, ya! Canucks!" or "Woooooooo!!! Canucks!!!" These cheers are usually screamed right into my ear or face because, obviously, proximity is key in getting people like me on your side.
Maybe I'll try that from now on to get people to do what I want.
OK, I did a SurveyMonkey survey today because I wanted to try to win technology. Is giving personal information worth an iTouch? Probably not, especially since the chance of me winning is 0.000437%, but I can't NOT enter. Fucking SurveyMonkey... They make it so easy to answer, yet store the results in the States. Do I really care about the IT department at the university? No. Do I want an iTouch? Hells ya.
I complain about the lameness of sports fans, but I laughed at back-of-the-book indexes in class this morning. That's lame. But how could I not when one of the index terms was "monstrous big whore" when describing a particular woman in a biography?!
Oh cripes, this is how lame I've become. Library jokes like yelling, "Ranganathan!!!" are funny. Maybe I should yell that at sports fans who yell at me about the Canucks...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
mounting frustration
I wish boys would put out more frequently. Especially this week. Effort is something I lack currently, so, really, I rely on them to make a move. Right now it would be lovely to have someone stroke my hair, or to distract me from the anxiety that riddles my thoughts during every waking hour. I wish there were boys in Vancouver.
How long can a daruma last before you give up and burn it? There's a time limit on wishes, isn't there? Am I jinxing myself keeping it even though my wish hasn't come true?
Brain is mushy. Want to drink excessively. Hate school/work. Long day. Ugh.
Just remembered... I think I might have a couple of things planned for my trip. The Yankees are playing daily, the White Sox have a few games, and... well, not sure about Toronto, other than the guided tour of "Scott Pilgrim" locales by the person "Scott Pilgrim" was technically named after, which sounds pretty exciting to me. I'm hoping my flights are still booked; I'm not sure when to check something like that, since I just assume it's confirmed (I did pay for it already). I'm From Barcelona is playing the day I get into NYC and I REALLY want to go to that show, but have heard flights into the city are usually quite late/delayed. Anyone have any insight into this?
Bed, bed. 'Night, 'night.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
is that light?
Last evening I went to a "meet the grads" event for my school's alumni association. It was so strange because, in a little over 2 months, I may well be an alumni member as well. Seems like the last 20 months have flown by.
I worked on a group project for a while that may or may not be going OK. It's hard to tell because it's still in pieces. We're meeting online tonight (how different group projects are now than when I was in my undergrad; now I rarely meet my group mates in person) and then it will be more apparent how much more there is to do. The other assignment, the one that is causing me the most worry, isn't due until the 12th or something, but I desperately want to get it done or mostly done by class this week because I have do to a presentation about it. Three other assignments await my completion of the former two.
Now I find myself spending time thinking about rock shows and how to afford festivals out of town.
Over the course of the last week I wound up spending more time out than working on homework, which probably added to my stress levels. (Though last evening I spoke with one of my classmates/friends who said I'm always so calm and relaxed. Clearly she isn't around me during the key parts of the day when I can't even talk because my nerves are making me feel physically ill.) Monday I saw Plants and Animals, a band I'd wanted to see since hearing their brilliant song on Radio 3. It was the first time I'd seen my friend in ages as well, so it was nice to catch up, though to the detriment of both my attention span and my liver. I couldn't talk and listen to the bands at the same time, so only caught half the show, but it was still great. Totally worth the loss of work time. Wednesday night I went to the Media Club again with aforementioned friend to see the Born Ruffians. I'd really wanted to see BR again since the last time I saw them was the fateful blood donation birthday (they were the band I was watching when I had my "episode") and worried I'd miss something good if I didn't make up for the last time. Wise decision to go to this show, as it was pretty darn fun. Thursday I had a ticket to the hotly anticipated Vampire Weekend/YACHT show, though was looking forward to YACHT more than VW. The new girlfriend in YACHT was OK, but probably better for the guys than for me. Still, I *heart* YACHT. Vampire Weekend was OK, but, as discussed with Ken T., they're just another band at this point; nothing super special. I do, however, have a crush on the bassist with the receding hairline, even though he's just slightly older than the 12-year-old singer/guitarist.
This week I also purchased a ticket to Sled Island in Calgary. Now I just have to wait for cheap flights. The additional lineup at Pitchfork is also making me want to count my pennies for a (second) flight to Chicago this July. It's probably unwise to plan to spend all the money I don't have from my fictitious job that doesn't exist yet. Still... girls just want to have fun.
Which reminds me... NME says Cyndi Lauper's music festival is coming through town in July and features, among others, Joan Jett! Deer Lake Park, you surprise me.
I worked on a group project for a while that may or may not be going OK. It's hard to tell because it's still in pieces. We're meeting online tonight (how different group projects are now than when I was in my undergrad; now I rarely meet my group mates in person) and then it will be more apparent how much more there is to do. The other assignment, the one that is causing me the most worry, isn't due until the 12th or something, but I desperately want to get it done or mostly done by class this week because I have do to a presentation about it. Three other assignments await my completion of the former two.
Now I find myself spending time thinking about rock shows and how to afford festivals out of town.
Over the course of the last week I wound up spending more time out than working on homework, which probably added to my stress levels. (Though last evening I spoke with one of my classmates/friends who said I'm always so calm and relaxed. Clearly she isn't around me during the key parts of the day when I can't even talk because my nerves are making me feel physically ill.) Monday I saw Plants and Animals, a band I'd wanted to see since hearing their brilliant song on Radio 3. It was the first time I'd seen my friend in ages as well, so it was nice to catch up, though to the detriment of both my attention span and my liver. I couldn't talk and listen to the bands at the same time, so only caught half the show, but it was still great. Totally worth the loss of work time. Wednesday night I went to the Media Club again with aforementioned friend to see the Born Ruffians. I'd really wanted to see BR again since the last time I saw them was the fateful blood donation birthday (they were the band I was watching when I had my "episode") and worried I'd miss something good if I didn't make up for the last time. Wise decision to go to this show, as it was pretty darn fun. Thursday I had a ticket to the hotly anticipated Vampire Weekend/YACHT show, though was looking forward to YACHT more than VW. The new girlfriend in YACHT was OK, but probably better for the guys than for me. Still, I *heart* YACHT. Vampire Weekend was OK, but, as discussed with Ken T., they're just another band at this point; nothing super special. I do, however, have a crush on the bassist with the receding hairline, even though he's just slightly older than the 12-year-old singer/guitarist.
This week I also purchased a ticket to Sled Island in Calgary. Now I just have to wait for cheap flights. The additional lineup at Pitchfork is also making me want to count my pennies for a (second) flight to Chicago this July. It's probably unwise to plan to spend all the money I don't have from my fictitious job that doesn't exist yet. Still... girls just want to have fun.
Which reminds me... NME says Cyndi Lauper's music festival is coming through town in July and features, among others, Joan Jett! Deer Lake Park, you surprise me.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
slowing down
The lead-up to this weekend had me frantic. With so much to do and so little motivation to get it done, I dreaded making the 4 1/2 hour drive over the Hope-Princeton to my parents' house for the weekend (with the same time lost to return home). I had a scratchy, sometimes sore throat for more than a week that made me stay home at the start of the week to try to sleep it off. After nearly crying in front of one of my profs as he assured me I wouldn't fail the class I was afraid I was failing, I had only to get through a short work day and an uneventful night before what I assumed would be a miserable weekend.
Thankfully things didn't turn out as I thought they might.
We got a late start on Friday, with my sis and bro-in-law picking me up an hour later than the outside, last-minute time departure. My sister neglected to buy Christmas presents, so we had to stop at a mall to pick a couple things up for my parents and brother. (Mine were ready, purchased a week before Christmas, yet never mailed because I'm really terrible at wrapping things in brown paper and taking them to the postal outlet.) By the time we got on the road and onto the #1 it was almost 11:30 (not the 9am Anita originally suggested). To normal people, this would be fine. To me, I kept thinking about how my parents worry when we aren't where they think we should be at a certain time. Eventually I started reading a book and lost 3 1/2 hours, surprised each time I looked up to see where we were.
The weather is nice in Osoyoos, sunny but slightly chilly from the wind. Last night after dinner I realised I was calm and all the stress about the trip was gone. We went to the crappiest bar in town to watch the hockey game, only to find it was nearly dead and we didn't know anyone there. It's weird to realise you've been away from your hometown longer than you lived there. I made my family watch a doc on Frank Lloyd Wright, further horrifying them with the story of how his lover and others were axed to death during a fire. Architecture always has fascinating stories to go with the buildings.
This morning I got up 9 hours after going to bed. NINE hours. We went across the street to the elementary school to watch the Easter egg hunt, but got bored and went for the customary drive around town to see what's changed. It makes me sad to do that drive because, almost always, the results are ugly and cold, and all comes down to kickbacks and someone trying to make a quick buck at the expense of the town's character. We stopped off at the town hall to watch our cousin get his head shaved for a cancer fundraiser. These sorts of things seem to just happen in small towns: parades break out (we missed the one this afternoon), dances are planned on the street, people sing karaoke in public... It's creepy. That these things happen also mean I can kill a bunch of family birds with one stone. I managed to talk to all my cousins from the one family branch within a 20 minute visit.
In the afternoon we went to my Legion (K. Knudson #173) for the meat draw, one of the most important parts of all visits to my parents'. I love the meat draw: 15 chances to win cuts of meat for $3, and cheap pitchers of draft with a glass (or two) of clamato for $11.40. We sat with Dick and Doreen, a couple my dad sits with weekly whom I've met a few times. Seemingly demure, these two like to play lottery-related games, playing online poker every few minutes for the first hour. They talked us into the 50/50 online draw that Keno runs, just $1 each for 6 chances to win. I'll get to the point: we didn't win meat. We never win meat when I'm there. When Peter (my bro-in-law) comes, he or my sister usually win something. Today: he won $164 in the cash draw at the end with the ticket I bought with my money. Le sigh. He and I also played a few ends of shuffleboard, but since the draw was about to start I left it as a tie, much to his chagrin. (Knowing how competitive I am with games in general, you must understand that this was a breakthrough of sorts.) I love getting tipsy drunk in the early afternoon.
We had our Easter dinner tonight because we're heading back tomorrow. We've got it down to a fine science: Mom preps things lazily so it never seems very stressful to get it all done, we help with the final stuff when we get home from the bar (we usually have to leave on Sundays when we visit), and we're seated with full glasses of U-Brew wine by 6. I also pushed and succeeded in implementing a mid-dinner break that includes putting the leftover food into containers and washing all dirty dishes between dinner and dessert. This ensures that we have a few minutes to let the food settle in our bellies and can eat dessert leisurely. Today we had the tastiest, mostly sugar-free tiramisu ever and some old dessert wine our Auntie Liz left at the house 11 years ago. Final dishes took less than 5 minutes to do.
I'm hoping that, when I finish school, I'll have more time to visit. It's been fun.
Thankfully things didn't turn out as I thought they might.
We got a late start on Friday, with my sis and bro-in-law picking me up an hour later than the outside, last-minute time departure. My sister neglected to buy Christmas presents, so we had to stop at a mall to pick a couple things up for my parents and brother. (Mine were ready, purchased a week before Christmas, yet never mailed because I'm really terrible at wrapping things in brown paper and taking them to the postal outlet.) By the time we got on the road and onto the #1 it was almost 11:30 (not the 9am Anita originally suggested). To normal people, this would be fine. To me, I kept thinking about how my parents worry when we aren't where they think we should be at a certain time. Eventually I started reading a book and lost 3 1/2 hours, surprised each time I looked up to see where we were.
The weather is nice in Osoyoos, sunny but slightly chilly from the wind. Last night after dinner I realised I was calm and all the stress about the trip was gone. We went to the crappiest bar in town to watch the hockey game, only to find it was nearly dead and we didn't know anyone there. It's weird to realise you've been away from your hometown longer than you lived there. I made my family watch a doc on Frank Lloyd Wright, further horrifying them with the story of how his lover and others were axed to death during a fire. Architecture always has fascinating stories to go with the buildings.
This morning I got up 9 hours after going to bed. NINE hours. We went across the street to the elementary school to watch the Easter egg hunt, but got bored and went for the customary drive around town to see what's changed. It makes me sad to do that drive because, almost always, the results are ugly and cold, and all comes down to kickbacks and someone trying to make a quick buck at the expense of the town's character. We stopped off at the town hall to watch our cousin get his head shaved for a cancer fundraiser. These sorts of things seem to just happen in small towns: parades break out (we missed the one this afternoon), dances are planned on the street, people sing karaoke in public... It's creepy. That these things happen also mean I can kill a bunch of family birds with one stone. I managed to talk to all my cousins from the one family branch within a 20 minute visit.
In the afternoon we went to my Legion (K. Knudson #173) for the meat draw, one of the most important parts of all visits to my parents'. I love the meat draw: 15 chances to win cuts of meat for $3, and cheap pitchers of draft with a glass (or two) of clamato for $11.40. We sat with Dick and Doreen, a couple my dad sits with weekly whom I've met a few times. Seemingly demure, these two like to play lottery-related games, playing online poker every few minutes for the first hour. They talked us into the 50/50 online draw that Keno runs, just $1 each for 6 chances to win. I'll get to the point: we didn't win meat. We never win meat when I'm there. When Peter (my bro-in-law) comes, he or my sister usually win something. Today: he won $164 in the cash draw at the end with the ticket I bought with my money. Le sigh. He and I also played a few ends of shuffleboard, but since the draw was about to start I left it as a tie, much to his chagrin. (Knowing how competitive I am with games in general, you must understand that this was a breakthrough of sorts.) I love getting tipsy drunk in the early afternoon.
We had our Easter dinner tonight because we're heading back tomorrow. We've got it down to a fine science: Mom preps things lazily so it never seems very stressful to get it all done, we help with the final stuff when we get home from the bar (we usually have to leave on Sundays when we visit), and we're seated with full glasses of U-Brew wine by 6. I also pushed and succeeded in implementing a mid-dinner break that includes putting the leftover food into containers and washing all dirty dishes between dinner and dessert. This ensures that we have a few minutes to let the food settle in our bellies and can eat dessert leisurely. Today we had the tastiest, mostly sugar-free tiramisu ever and some old dessert wine our Auntie Liz left at the house 11 years ago. Final dishes took less than 5 minutes to do.
I'm hoping that, when I finish school, I'll have more time to visit. It's been fun.
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