the swing

Sometimes I worry that I'm minorly bipolar.

Last night I was out with my school chums, having a good laugh and some beer, and all was well. I saw a guy I always see at shows and he gave me the eye. I went to bed feeling pretty OK with nothing to complain about. This morning, however, I woke up sullen and sad for no apparent reason. I saw my friend on the street as I approached work and couldn't even pretend to be cheerful. I admitted that I feel like I'm really close to falling apart. This was a surprise to him because he seems to think I'm so together, mainly because of all the stuff I've got going on at any given time. I reiterated that this morning felt weirder than usual. Eventually we went for a coffee and had a good talk about what the fuck is wrong with me. And I seriously don't know.

I mean, it could be seasonal depression. That makes sense. I get it almost every year around the same time. But I thought I had shaken it because I felt like I was doing pretty well and hadn't been really overwhelmed to this point since last year around the same time, just before I cut out the toxic friend who was a jackass and went to therapy. Maybe being busy hid it better this time around.

At lunch I went to Finch's and saw Tangiene (who is, seriously, the sweetest girl ever and I totally love her; I kept saying it to my friend and he kept saying, "Ya, I got that the first time you said it.") and was feeling less terrible. My friend questioned if everything was alright, that I seemed to be feeling better than in the morning. At this point I wondered why, as I often do, my mood could swing so rapidly. Nothing really changed. Nothing was resolved. Yet I was feeling a bit less sad that two hours previous.

As an aside: my friend tried to communicate with me telepathically and claims I did the things he willed me to do. I suggested that would be a fantastic skill, the ability to will people to do what you want them to do. He asked what I would will people to do and i thought it would be awesome to be able to will people to makeout with me whenever I felt like it. Wouldn't that be a great skill?

This evening I was meant to play poker, but it fell through. I think I might have guilted my friend into hanging out with me, but I am not so concerned about the impostion. I was tired, he was tired, collectively we were tired and neither of us was going to do anything at 6pm anyway, sleep included. We had a good conversation and he made a yummy salad and I curled up under the comforter while we talked about dating strategies. It was just nice.

I'm sure tomorrow will be another rollercoaster day, full of ups and downs. Seems de rigeur. It's probably time to try to get my head straightened out for real. I mean, listening to the perkiness of Lilys can only get you so far before realising Kurt Heasley probably isn't all there, either.

Currently listening :
The 3-Way
By Lilys
Release date: 20 April, 1999