At some point over the last couple of years, I thought things were going to suddenly get significantly easier and everything would start to fall into place and I would know I did the right thing by going to school. Being as impatient as I am, it frustrates me that things haven't been happening faster and it makes me worry that I made a mistake.
Realistically I know I had to do something. My job was going to disappear and I would have had to go back to school to get a job in something I'm interested in anyway. And I know I've been lucky to get some shifts at the library while trying to find a job that will give me such luxuries as benefits and holiday time. But the worry...
I see people I work with who have more experience than I do who are applying for the same jobs I am and I have to wonder if I'll ever get hired anywhere. The times when I can't answer questions and have to get help from people, which feels constant, I start to wonder what I did in school because I can't figure out how to find answers on almost anything. Reassurances from co-workers that I'm just on a steep learning curve, that it could take years to be comfortable with almost any question, isn't helping quite yet; I still feel stupid for not knowing seemingly easy answers. I want to be smarter now.
This might be why I think it would be better to move away. If I get a job somewhere else, I can blame not knowing stuff on geographical differences or the like. If I stay here, I might not get a job, which means I'll never feel particularly smart, which makes me think I made a mistake, which means I wasted 2 years of my life for nothing.
I don't like this self-doubt. It is frustrating.
Discussions about moving to Chicago are still there. Not like anyone in Chicago is going to hire me, mainly because I only applied for that one sweet job at the Illinois Institute of Technology, but the idea is there. On a weekly basis I talk about it with my friend who lives there and the best reason to move this week is that I will have an instant gig partner (with a car) who will go to pretty much anything I want to go to. If that isn't reason enough to relocate to another country and start over from scratch, I don't know what is.
3 comments:
I believe that self-doubt only wanes and blossoms, it never goes away completely. Unless you're totally psychotic/sociopathic.
If that isn't reason enough to relocate to another country and start over from scratch, I don't know what is.
You speak the truth, my friend.
This is reassuring because, every so often, I also worry that I'm a sociopath.
Do you secretly want me to move to Chicago so you can visit? :)
i would certainly visit you in Chicago! But I'd rather visit with you here! You do know once you make the big decision to move...all sorts of job offers will start pouring in.... And if they don't well you were movin' anyway!
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