Tipsy drunk on #1 Pimms Cups, I can't help but think this is the best it gets.
After making claims that missing a ride to YVR equals a drunken night, I finally cashed in on the results and find myself more tipsy/drunk than I care to admit. A bottle of wine and 3/4 of the way through a 26er of Pimms, I'm struggling to spell in a manner worthy of my drinking companion. I know grammar and spelling gets me extra cred.
A compilation of drink-worthy songs keeps me company as I write. The struggle to reach grammatical perfection in an appropriate manner is of paramount challenge right now.
Were I a better woman, I would look to how this day has gone and declare it a success. I interviewed for a job I may be qualified for and lived through a presentation that seemed to please viewers, but left the interview feeling somewhat indifferent, that there is little chance they will chose me over other interviewees. This is part of why I wanted to get trashed this evening: to drown my sorrows over my imperfections and inability to land a job. And through the course of the evening, I began to think "fuck it," that the committee's inability to recognise my potential will be their own downfall. But, really, I am disappointed that I am unable to close the deal, that I am unable to close anything in my life right now.
That someone else will be chosen over me is heartbreaking. No amount of alcohol can hide that fact.
That I can't numb the isolation I feel is another overwhelming fact.
And so, listening to a teenage girl squeal about her independence, I find myself wondering why I even bother. Why apply to jobs that will never result in employment? Why interview for jobs that will never be offered to me? Why bother with anything?
I cannot accept that I have these doubts after Pimms, a gin-based drink. Gin has been a kind companion on various occasions, giving me comfort and clarity at times that it doesn't really need to. Were I stronger-willed, I would take the experience as a chance to learn, to grow, to know that the next interview will go better. But the reality is that I have little opportunity right now, that I am trapped within my limitations and cannot see the light to lead me to the way out.
Alcohol really gives me a clarity I would rather be ignorant of. I would rather be stupid than understand the situation I am in.
While talking to my friend about relationships, I realised that I shouldn't expect anything, that I am not even a blip on the radar of anyone. It is not something to mourn and be sad of; it's just a fact. And the sooner I get used to this fact, the sooner I can concentrate on things I can have a say in, like hobbies or general awesomeness. I just wish I didn't lack the gene to make people be interested in me on some level, whether for work or for relationships.
Honestly, I need to get the fuck away from this place. If I stay, my heart will die. And I'm just not sure I can deal with that right now. It's too much that my hope is dead; I don't think I can stand the death of much else.
No comments:
Post a Comment