the downside of junipers

This morning I walked to meet my sister and bro-in-law and headed to look at books for a while. We then headed to the JapaDog stand so I could get a terimayo (without nori) before walking to the West End to meet up with my friends. Said friends and I headed to Beaver Lake to listen to a piece by R. Murray Schafer, a piece written for the outdoors. There was something particularly lovely about listening to the sounds of the forest while a clarinet, trumpet, flute and vocalist performed around the echoing lake. I closed my eyes to imprint the sounds most clearly into my brain, backing it up with visuals.

This evening I walked home from downtown and now sort of wish I hadn't. I came to a conclusion that likely I wouldn't have come to had I not walked with gin in my body. Yet, still, there it is.

I realised that I will never be worth any more than I am right now. It's a bit Jane Austen, but hear me out. It is highly unlikely friends will care more about me than they do today, family will never think more of me than they do today, I will never be loved more than I am today. In some ways it is comforting to know people care about me in their various ways, that I am somebody to some. At the same time it crushes me to know I will never be loved more, can never be loved more. Today is the measure, the maximum, the most.

In recent days a few friends have said that I should really consider dating a man known to me and to them, that we'd be a good match. And it makes me sad because I don't know what they're talking about; I know I will never be, can never be more to him than just friends. In the whole scheme of things, I know I am not what he is looking for; he, like all other single men in this city, looks over my shoulder for someone better. If someone who cares about me even a minute amount is looking for something more than me, how can I ever assume everyone won't be looking for someone better?

Ridiculously, in "The Breakfast Club" when Ali Sheedy says when you get older your heart dies... I suspect it's true.