in or out?

"High Fidelity" introduced the whole "in or out" concept, the forcing people to decide if they're willing to put the effort into relationships or not. While I admit I've become terrible at keeping up with people, at the same time I appreciate the clear-cut nature of questioning loyalty and commitment with friendships, especially those in near geographic locales.

Lately I've been masochistic enough to want to question where I stand with certain people. I want to know and yet know that I don't want to know because I probably won't get the answers I hope for. Obviously I want my friends to adore me at some level, to shower me with approval and puff up my slightly inflated (though lately battered) ego. Those that I see/talk with with any regularity (read: at all in the last few months) are not ones I have issue with. It is the coasters, the stragglers.

Honestly, it's pretty easy to stay in my good books. The smallest amount of effort on the other person's part keeps me in. Once I make a personal connection, I'm hard to shake free from. But once the effort ends or isn't being reciprocated, it's a quick descent.

This weekend I've been feeling like a friend assessment needs some doing. A few people are fucking pissing me off with their brushoffs. But I am pretty sure it's me that needs to change because I sure as hell can't make them do what I want them to do. I used to think I had such great friends because I demand a certain level of awesomeness and only the best are able to step up. But I realise I have great friends because I miraculously manage to attract the most tolerant people alive.

Talking with my old friend last night after my night out, I realised that I am probably really hard to be friends with. So, for the next while at least, I'm going to hold off on the test of loyalty and see what happens. At the same time, my effort level is going to drop relative to the amount of energy I wind up having outside school and work, so likewise will see people dropping off who don't make the effort. It's the passive-aggressive way. Which I guess is a test after all.

Disregard everything I just said.

On a side note: holy fuck, is the latest Justice fucking brilliant. I can't stop listening. "The Party" is my new anthem.

Currently listening :
Cross
By Justice
Release date: 10 July, 2007