losing

Whenever I get phone calls from my mom in the middle of the week I immediately brace myself. Midweek calls are never calls just to chat.

She called just after I got home from work. My uncle, one of the uncles I grew up seeing weekly, died last night. He'd been in failing health for years, had become increasingly hard to be around because he became quite mean and sullen the last few years, and I hadn't been able to see him the last few times I visited because of his health.

I wasn't surprised when Mom said he had passed. It was expected at some point. But I also didn't anticipate not being upset at all. I mean, I feel badly that he's gone and it makes me sad to know I won't see him again, but I can't be upset. I won't be going to the funeral. It's next Wednesday, the hardest day for me to get out of work. I'm not even sure I want to go.

For me, this is somewhat strange, as I'm generally a big crybaby about everything. I guess I'm just getting used to loss. Or perhaps, like when my godfather/uncle died, this will hit me hard years from now. I just don't feel like crying is the thing to do right now. Had it been his wife, my dad's last living sibling, it would be a different story. I would be an absolute mess. So perhaps it's the blood relative part that changes things a bit. I don't know...

As I grow older, this will be the norm. The loss of those I was once close to.