under the duvet

This was supposed to be the year of doing stuff alone. It hasn't really turned out that way.

I have a ticket to a rock show tonight, a dancing show, and I want nothing more than to lay curled up under my duvet. I keep putting off leaving for it, to the point that I'm getting close to being too late. In the past, just having a ticket was incentive enough to go to shows that I'd lost enthusiasm for. Now... now I just hem and haw about it, deciding not to go even though it would probably be a fun show. There's still a slim chance, I suppose, but the thought of battling with American Apparel kids makes my tummy sick. Dancing shows alone are just not a whole lot of fun.

After work today I headed downtown for a dress sale that was even more than disappointing. Not a single dress did I like, which is pretty unheard of. I decided to check out the china department, only to discover there's nothing there. No dresses, no china... Off to housewares to make sense of the insanity of the department store. I looked at popcorn poppers, including one extremely similar to the one my mom had when I was a kid. I also like to look at stand mixers, just in case there's something new and exciting to see. Generally I just sigh and hang my head because I can't afford them. Today I happened to see some older KitchenAid models on for, like, $240 off. There was a black one and I thought to myself, well, no point waiting for wedding gifts because that's never going to happen, so might as well... Might as well drop a few hundred bucks for something I've been longing for for years. Might as well spend my meager wage on something I'll love, even though my savings are low. Might as well put all my eggs into a shiny chrome bowl and mix the crap out of them on 10.

The KitchenAid, the iron pot, the china settings... these are the things to keep me company when I become a shut-in, avoiding shows I have tickets for. We will all sit under the duvet, the cold metal and porcelain making goose bumps on my arms as I hold them close to me. We will have tea parties and make bread and roast chickens together, just them and me.

OMG, I'm watching a video of The Horrors and they're, like, so my ex-boyfriend of '92. Hair and all. Fake-sounding British accent included. So weird to see my life replayed by kids half my age. Proof it's all over for me; I've been replaced. I'm finding the fuzzy shoegazing revival really hard to get used to.