tipping point

The only thing I found to do this weekend was go to the cemetery by myself to learn about dead people, and I talked myself out of going because of my state.

My house is beginning to resemble a hoarder's home, full of piles of things that someone with hoarding issues just leaves in the hopes it will disappear on its own. The projects for this fall, some that are extremely timely and that are overdue to be done, sit in piles untouched and remind me of my failure to come through on them. I have no interest in cooking for myself at all; I wish Meals-on-wheels were available for 36-year-olds. When I looked in the mirror tonight I realised that I am becoming an old-looking woman. I didn't even bother getting out of my pyjamas today because there didn't seem to be any point. I think I may be in the process of giving up.

And it may just be that "Sense and Sensibility" is on and I'm identifying with Eleanor especially today (except for the part when her life turns out as she'd hoped) and it's just one of those days. But I think, since this latest birthday, I really don't see the point of much a lot of the time anymore.

The people around me have lives that are always evolving, with new relationships and engagements and marriages, new jobs, new children to love, new houses. Notable things. Longlasting things. And it's good to know people who have lives that are meaningful and fulfilling and who are content. I just don't know why they would want to be friends with me sometimes. All I bring is superficiality, and at some point, possibly quite soon, they will see that I'm not bringing much to our friendship; some already have cut their losses. I don't want to be the friend that they listen to and, after I'm gone, hug their loved ones a little closer, comforted that their lives are more pleasing than mine.

If the psychics over the years are right, this could be my midlife crisis. If they're wrong... then I just don't know. I realised I'll be 37 next year and it made me feel really strange, really empty. Really old for the first time. It feels like a more severe reverse culture shock. I think my temporary job is killing me.