solitaire

Nice days make me sad. On days that are nice, it is near impossible to find someone to do something with. By the 4th or 5th rejection I tend to give up, choosing instead to curl up on the futon watching PBS instead of making more effort or leaving my house on my own.

"Alone in the wilderness" is on right now. I've seen it 9 or 10 times in full, multiple more times in sections. There are two reasons I like watching it. 1) I'm impressed by his skills, how he made everything he needed to survive for 35 years in the middle of nowhere in Alaska. 2) I'm jealous that he was able to live alone with himself for so long, content to find joy in his solitary everyday life.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be alone. The more friends who partner the more alone I realise I am. This is punctuated by the fact that I can't find anyone to go for a walk with in the middle of the day on a weekend. And then I discover I've been left out of plans by people who are coupled, which no one ever tells me about, but unfortunately Facebook declares on a constant basis. "So-and-so and so-and-so are now friends" points out that I am off the invitation list, never considered to be included, never to meet the people I know other friends are invited to meet. Guess it's a good thing I barely have days off. Work is becoming my closest friend.

This week I'm going to apply for two more jobs, if only to take up what remaining free time I still have. If I have no time maybe I'll forget I'm solitary.