I need to get my head in the game.
I feel a little uncomfortable about exposing myself like this today, but I'm big on documenting the good and the bad of everyday life, so this has to be an aspect of that. I'm sure you'll think less of me; I think less of myself after these last few weeks, so I completely understand. If push comes to shove I can blame it on school, lack of restful sleep, overworking, or that my birthday is a week away and am feeling the weight of the world because of how little I've gotten accomplished by this age. Yet, really, blame is unhelpful and I should really just worry about fixing things that I've been breaking/burning.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in recent memory, as far as friends are concerned. I've hit a new low of insensitivity. I went to work, worked my extra hours, decided I should finish an essay that's due tonight (which I managed to get finished), and got invited to a co-worker's house for dinner. It sounded fun. The problem was I didn't go home, thereby missing the message my friend left for me reminding me about the show we were supposed to go to last night. I remembered around 10pm when I saw a poster on the street for it. But I am so embarrassed that I flaked out like this. It isn't a good reason to miss my friend.
And, really, Friday night was similarly bad in the friend department. I drank too much beer, went to the secret club with three friends and wound up getting pissy and sulky at the club because I didn't think they liked it and took it personally and wound up crying on the phone after one of them informed me how terrible I was to them. The one friend had to talk me down at the bus stop because I was upset about the whole thing. I'm bad with apologising and I had to do a lot of it yesterday. And will have to do more today. I'm sure this is building better character since I feel as though I have none today.
Last night when I got home I called one of the friends I had been out with to say I got home OK and he was on the other line so he said he had to go. I sort of hung up on him (we said our goodbyes and he said something as I was hanging up) and called someone unimportant to come over. When my friend called back a few minutes later and discovered someone was meant to come over he scolded me. And, really, why shouldn't he? It made no sense to waste more time on nothing when I was already so tired, tipsy on red wine (I remember why I don't drink red wine: it makes me call people at 10:30 at night to invite them over for no reason) and uninterested in the person. I wound up talking to my friend for a while and then falling asleep, completely missing the visitor anyway, which I discovered when he called after arriving back home from the trip to mine. Falling asleep was likely the only smart thing I did the whole of yesterday, as it got me out of a potentially sticky situation.
I am making unwise decisions and this doesn't feel like me at all. On the upside, only two more years minus 7 weeks of this. How quickly things can fall apart when you take your eye off the prize.
New almost-year-end resolutions:
1) drink less
2) be nicer to friends
3) stop being a jackass
4) make smarter decisions
Club 8 is making me feel a bit better. In another unwise move, I would totally marry Johan Angergard this minute if I could. Maybe he could write a catchy song about how I'm fucking things up. I think he secretly has a thing for me because he's written two Karen songs for Club 8 and it's possible he has more elsewhere since he's in about 400 other bands. His Swedish pop sensibility would put me back on track, or at least being able to run my fingers through his pretty blond hair would be a fun distraction. Swoon. Seriously, listen to "I'm Lost Without You" and say something bad about him. Unpossible.
Currently listening :
Spring Came, Rain Fell
By Club 8
Release date: 12 March, 2002
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