melty

For whatever reason, I had a slight meltdown just over an hour ago. Maybe more of a defrosting, or a softening.

I was 1 1/2 hours into "Return of the King" at my sister's, after a lovely day of hanging out and a tasty dinner including pot roast, yams, carrots and brussel sprouts (still don't really like brussel sprouts), when all of a sudden I started feeling weird. Like the air was harder to breathe. At that moment I needed to know when the last train left so I'd know if I could watch the end of the film and still catch the train. I couldn't. This upset me more than is rational, and I got all sulky and pissy and decided right at that moment that I needed to go home. Understandably, my sister was baffled, even though I'm sure I've pulled crap like this before. I was just inconsolable.

Now I'm at home and have called my sister four times since leaving her. I feel basically fine. I just wish I knew what was going on so I could explain it. It's just so frustrating. It's like the Mean Reds: you're sad, but you don't know what you're sad about. Or was it you're scared? No, no, sad.

I've just no reason to be sad. I've had some extremely enjoyable nights out with friends the last week, including lots of good times visiting with Dulcie and Nels, and extra dessert with Rachel, Nathan and Gusty. All of this was good.

Maybe it's the holiday thing. I often find holidays unbearable, either because I can't get time off to be with my family or because I'm with my family. Really, I'm never happy. It might also be that I'm back on the chocolate after surviving 40 days without. Do addicts become mean or sad when they go back on stuff after detox? All I know is I'm feeling very raw and vulnerable. I dislike both feelings immensely.

On the upside, I still have two episodes of Nero Wolfe to finish, and I might as well finish them tonight. Then I can dream about Timothy Hutton.