I'm sitting completely alone at work, no one in sight except for the people that pass by my window. I'm feeling a bit weird. This is my last regularly scheduled work day and I think it's finally starting to hit me: I'm done. This should probably illicit more excitement than it does right now. All I can think about is all the stuff I have to get done today.
One of my friends' boyfriends passed me in the hall as I came in and suggested we go for lunch next week. It was weird to say I'd be away for a couple of weeks and that we'd have to organise when I come back. I haven't even mentioned to people outside my department that I'm finishing work. Most who know me know about school and such. Still, it makes me feel a bit odd explaining it at this point.
I'm the slightest bit worried about my flight tomorrow, just because I realise I'll be waiting for/on planes for 11 hours and have very little in the way of personal amusement. I've never gotten an MP3 player and now regret that decision; the thought of listening to other people makes my stomach turn. I've no idea what book I could read that would be both small enough to fit my bag and long enough to get me from at least Alberta to Ontario. There is very little chance I'm going to eat the crap they sell on the plane, but haven't figured out a reasonable alternative. I really should have thought to plan this sooner.
Holy fricking hell, I'm leaving town.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
be a joiner
Since people seem completely uninterested in coming to my graduation ceremony, what if I sweeten the pot?
The honorary degree recipient for my convocation ceremony is Michael J. Fox. Still sound like a boring ceremony? Huh? Huh?
I also got an invitation to the luncheon following my ceremony. I think it's going to be good, at Green College, which hosts interesting dinners/lectures on a nightly basis.
Sure, it's on a Thursday morning/afternoon and, sure, you can watch the ceremony as it's streamed live. But don't you want me to not look like a loser as I hang out alone after the ceremony and at the lunch? Ya, I don't really care, either.
The honorary degree recipient for my convocation ceremony is Michael J. Fox. Still sound like a boring ceremony? Huh? Huh?
I also got an invitation to the luncheon following my ceremony. I think it's going to be good, at Green College, which hosts interesting dinners/lectures on a nightly basis.
Sure, it's on a Thursday morning/afternoon and, sure, you can watch the ceremony as it's streamed live. But don't you want me to not look like a loser as I hang out alone after the ceremony and at the lunch? Ya, I don't really care, either.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
unremarkablility
The most exciting thing about my day? I found out that when the 8 Downtown bus terminates and restarts at Robson, it no longer turns into a 20 Victoria. I like this because it keeps things easy for my brain to understand and recognise. Since I take the 8 Fraser to get home (when I feel like avoiding the Skytrain, which happens occasionally and more lately), I no longer have to be disappointed to see the 8 Downtown. I can be excited because that's my bus.
Obviously it wasn't a stellar day.
I accidentally worked out the lower plaster while I tried to shift it back over to the right side of my mouth. It's been migrating ever leftward and I finally tried to fight back. Unfortunately, the plaster/putty (I don't know what it is, but it leaves white marks on my fingers when I touch it, so I'm pretty sure if I leave it in I'll soon dissolve it completely. Ew) popped out. I decided to look at what lies beneath and it's sort of disgusting. I tried not to look at it directly for fear that it would (like Medusa) turn me to stone or something. At least the graft isn't a freakish white anymore. How am I supposed to makeout with boys on my trip with this kind of damage?
What concerns me more is that I will have to keep the plaster in when I leave town. My appointment on Wednesday can't come fast enough. I'm pretty sure things are getting caught underneath, making for a most unpleasant environment. It makes eating hard; I have to rip food into small pieces and shove it into the left corner of my mouth, which limits what I feel OK with eating, especially in public. I talk with a lisp, which is fine for David Sedaris because his lisp sells audiobooks, but for me... I just sound sort of stupid, a little like Elmer Fudd. And I can't smile because there's an enormous chunk of plaster in the front of my fricking mouth.
And I get to go through this again in 6 months for the other side.
I applied to two jobs that don't start until September. And they're only part-time! (Are all job applications going to be like this?!) Today was my last shift as a Library Assistant I. I have 2 1/2 more LA II shifts and then I no longer have any sort of a job. Benefits: gone. Sick pay: poof. I have to make up for the shift I had to cancel last week when I get back and work one LA III shift in mid-May, and then I've got no work in the foreseeable future. I'm freaking out. I haven't been this listless and not busy for about 6 years, and even then it was only because of jetlag/reverse culture shock/re-establishing life in NA, and lasted 3 months. And I was sort of crazy.
Now I've got the kind of fear that will either make me completely mental, forcing me to lie on the floor hyperventilating as I contemplate my reason for existing, or will make me apply for anything that won't make me feel like a complete sell-out. Gosh, I hope it doesn't come to either.
Obviously it wasn't a stellar day.
I accidentally worked out the lower plaster while I tried to shift it back over to the right side of my mouth. It's been migrating ever leftward and I finally tried to fight back. Unfortunately, the plaster/putty (I don't know what it is, but it leaves white marks on my fingers when I touch it, so I'm pretty sure if I leave it in I'll soon dissolve it completely. Ew) popped out. I decided to look at what lies beneath and it's sort of disgusting. I tried not to look at it directly for fear that it would (like Medusa) turn me to stone or something. At least the graft isn't a freakish white anymore. How am I supposed to makeout with boys on my trip with this kind of damage?
What concerns me more is that I will have to keep the plaster in when I leave town. My appointment on Wednesday can't come fast enough. I'm pretty sure things are getting caught underneath, making for a most unpleasant environment. It makes eating hard; I have to rip food into small pieces and shove it into the left corner of my mouth, which limits what I feel OK with eating, especially in public. I talk with a lisp, which is fine for David Sedaris because his lisp sells audiobooks, but for me... I just sound sort of stupid, a little like Elmer Fudd. And I can't smile because there's an enormous chunk of plaster in the front of my fricking mouth.
And I get to go through this again in 6 months for the other side.
I applied to two jobs that don't start until September. And they're only part-time! (Are all job applications going to be like this?!) Today was my last shift as a Library Assistant I. I have 2 1/2 more LA II shifts and then I no longer have any sort of a job. Benefits: gone. Sick pay: poof. I have to make up for the shift I had to cancel last week when I get back and work one LA III shift in mid-May, and then I've got no work in the foreseeable future. I'm freaking out. I haven't been this listless and not busy for about 6 years, and even then it was only because of jetlag/reverse culture shock/re-establishing life in NA, and lasted 3 months. And I was sort of crazy.
Now I've got the kind of fear that will either make me completely mental, forcing me to lie on the floor hyperventilating as I contemplate my reason for existing, or will make me apply for anything that won't make me feel like a complete sell-out. Gosh, I hope it doesn't come to either.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
freak out
The real push to ready myself for my (self) congratulatory graduation trip happens today. Just one thing worries me... I think I might have failed a class.
I'm not being melodramatic by any stretch. I got part of my marks back for a massive assignment and I just don't see how I can pass with what he's told me. Since some job places have started asking for transcripts, anything lower than a B+ is, essentially, a failing grade because no one gets lower than a B+. Except for me. This is a concern.
This trip is really the only thing I have to look forward to in the next while. Everything else is completely overwhelming me and I need the distraction from the stuff that doesn't seem to be going well.
I am getting pretty excited about the trip, though. I've got stuff planned for the mostpart in New York (MoMA, the Costume Institute, maybe a Yankees game, wandering Park Slope, maybe a boat ride around Manhattan, the top of 30 Rock, hopefully I'm From Barcelona if my plane gets in well, etc.) with some flexibility to meet up with a couple of people. Chicago is planned in theory, but things will start falling into place when I actually get there and meet up with my friend. Toronto I am the least concerned about, simply because... well, I don't know why. I guess because I know the most people there and just assume someone is going to take care of me if something happens. And I've never been there so really have few expectations for things to see/do. There's a lot of tentative planning that needs to be finalised. Though the transit strike is worrying. Terrible timing. No idea how I'm going to get anywhere.
Today is the day to get everything else ready. I'm finishing off my school drop-off stuff so they let me graduate (assuming the best with that mark) and don't make me pay more tuition, picking up tickets to the ceremony that no one wants to go to, and debating with the U-Pass people what to do with the U-Pass they gave me. Then the trip prep begins, though, really, it's just buying travel insurance and exchanging money. And buying batteries. Lots and lots of batteries. I tried to make a to-do list, but it's pretty sparse.
I'm excited because I realised I bought a box of cameras (can't remember how many... maybe 7 or 8) last year and I haven't used any of them. Don't ask me, "How the hell do you buy a box of cameras and forget about it?" I've been preoccupied. I'm taking my unused Orbit and a few rolls of expired film, and will see what happens. I'd really like to take more cameras, but realistically I'll probably forget to take pictures anyway. The Orbit is fun-looking, though, because it's got a flip-top lens, so I can take hip-level shots without people noticing, except for the loudness of the motor winder as the next frame lines up.
Maybe I should doublecheck on my flights, that I'm still booked...
I'm not being melodramatic by any stretch. I got part of my marks back for a massive assignment and I just don't see how I can pass with what he's told me. Since some job places have started asking for transcripts, anything lower than a B+ is, essentially, a failing grade because no one gets lower than a B+. Except for me. This is a concern.
This trip is really the only thing I have to look forward to in the next while. Everything else is completely overwhelming me and I need the distraction from the stuff that doesn't seem to be going well.
I am getting pretty excited about the trip, though. I've got stuff planned for the mostpart in New York (MoMA, the Costume Institute, maybe a Yankees game, wandering Park Slope, maybe a boat ride around Manhattan, the top of 30 Rock, hopefully I'm From Barcelona if my plane gets in well, etc.) with some flexibility to meet up with a couple of people. Chicago is planned in theory, but things will start falling into place when I actually get there and meet up with my friend. Toronto I am the least concerned about, simply because... well, I don't know why. I guess because I know the most people there and just assume someone is going to take care of me if something happens. And I've never been there so really have few expectations for things to see/do. There's a lot of tentative planning that needs to be finalised. Though the transit strike is worrying. Terrible timing. No idea how I'm going to get anywhere.
Today is the day to get everything else ready. I'm finishing off my school drop-off stuff so they let me graduate (assuming the best with that mark) and don't make me pay more tuition, picking up tickets to the ceremony that no one wants to go to, and debating with the U-Pass people what to do with the U-Pass they gave me. Then the trip prep begins, though, really, it's just buying travel insurance and exchanging money. And buying batteries. Lots and lots of batteries. I tried to make a to-do list, but it's pretty sparse.
I'm excited because I realised I bought a box of cameras (can't remember how many... maybe 7 or 8) last year and I haven't used any of them. Don't ask me, "How the hell do you buy a box of cameras and forget about it?" I've been preoccupied. I'm taking my unused Orbit and a few rolls of expired film, and will see what happens. I'd really like to take more cameras, but realistically I'll probably forget to take pictures anyway. The Orbit is fun-looking, though, because it's got a flip-top lens, so I can take hip-level shots without people noticing, except for the loudness of the motor winder as the next frame lines up.
Maybe I should doublecheck on my flights, that I'm still booked...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
pharmacies are both awesome and awesome
The war on drugs better not be aimed at me. I'm on drugs. I like being on drugs right now.
I'm on drugs because I had gum surgery today. It was both better and worse than I anticipated. I sat quietly with my eyes closed for 1 1/2 hours while the dentist painlessly (at the time) added gum tissue from the roof of my mouth to the lower right side of my gums. It wasn't really as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I still didn't want to see what was happening and so just concentrated on trying to listen to the TV shows playing (my dental office amuses patients with flat screens in each room) while they suctioned. I was happy when I could close my mouth.
My dentist pointed out that I missed the blood splatter on my neck during the clean-up. Then he showed me his handiwork. That's when my normally unflappable tolerance for pain and blood got the best of me.
I'm not supposed to talk for a few days, to give my gums time to heal a bit from the stationary position that not talking allows. My mouth is also full of, essentially, silly putty that covers the two cut-up areas. When I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription I couldn't talk if I wanted to because the freezing started to wear off. When the pharmacist asked me which prescription was mine I couldn't even answer, tears forming in my eyes as I tried to open my mouth, leading him to check the prescriptions and guess which was me. By the time I got home I felt like my face was being ripped off.
When I had my wisdom teeth out, it was no small surgery. Things were cut up, I couldn't eat for almost a week, and the stitches didn't stop the bleeding for days. I took one Tylenol 3 the first day and that was it. This time I've beat that in the first 10 hours. I'm anticipating I'll have to take it according to the prescription.
Needless to say, I'll be at home on the couch tomorrow instead of working my last reference shift.
On the upside, Boost offers a variety pack of chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and mocha meal replacements. Gosh, I'd kill for the ability to eat noodles or beef jerky right now. (Don't ask about the beef jerky. I can't explain it.)
I'm hoping for a speedy recovery. Since I'll be in NYC a week today.
I'm on drugs because I had gum surgery today. It was both better and worse than I anticipated. I sat quietly with my eyes closed for 1 1/2 hours while the dentist painlessly (at the time) added gum tissue from the roof of my mouth to the lower right side of my gums. It wasn't really as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I still didn't want to see what was happening and so just concentrated on trying to listen to the TV shows playing (my dental office amuses patients with flat screens in each room) while they suctioned. I was happy when I could close my mouth.
My dentist pointed out that I missed the blood splatter on my neck during the clean-up. Then he showed me his handiwork. That's when my normally unflappable tolerance for pain and blood got the best of me.
I'm not supposed to talk for a few days, to give my gums time to heal a bit from the stationary position that not talking allows. My mouth is also full of, essentially, silly putty that covers the two cut-up areas. When I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription I couldn't talk if I wanted to because the freezing started to wear off. When the pharmacist asked me which prescription was mine I couldn't even answer, tears forming in my eyes as I tried to open my mouth, leading him to check the prescriptions and guess which was me. By the time I got home I felt like my face was being ripped off.
When I had my wisdom teeth out, it was no small surgery. Things were cut up, I couldn't eat for almost a week, and the stitches didn't stop the bleeding for days. I took one Tylenol 3 the first day and that was it. This time I've beat that in the first 10 hours. I'm anticipating I'll have to take it according to the prescription.
Needless to say, I'll be at home on the couch tomorrow instead of working my last reference shift.
On the upside, Boost offers a variety pack of chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and mocha meal replacements. Gosh, I'd kill for the ability to eat noodles or beef jerky right now. (Don't ask about the beef jerky. I can't explain it.)
I'm hoping for a speedy recovery. Since I'll be in NYC a week today.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
bitch, on being a
My co-worker picked up a requested book that she decided wasn't what she was looking for and passed it on to me. "Why men love bitches" gives a little hint as to why the meanest girls seem to have guys falling over themselves. I'm hoping it's a satire.
When I did my undergrad, a large number of my male friends would often tell me I was a bitch, though not meant in a bad way. I didn't really care anyway; I kind of was. I don't know that being a bitch is really enough to get and keep people interested in you, though. And I kind of resent that not taking crap from people means you're a bitch. No one should have to take crap.
Usually people just blamed my bitchiness on being a Scorpio anyway.
I was much happier when I cared less about the stupid shit people would do that affected me. It was usually easier to stop talking to people than to talk things out. At some point someone suggested that it was childish to do the former rather than the latter so I got a bit more touchy-feely. In hindsight I don't think touchy-feely is the way to go. Talking things out... I'm not a fan.
Still, I guess burning bridges with people isn't a great method either.
If I could, I would just phone in to radio shows for advice on how to deal with things that a bitchier me wouldn't tolerate.
When I did my undergrad, a large number of my male friends would often tell me I was a bitch, though not meant in a bad way. I didn't really care anyway; I kind of was. I don't know that being a bitch is really enough to get and keep people interested in you, though. And I kind of resent that not taking crap from people means you're a bitch. No one should have to take crap.
Usually people just blamed my bitchiness on being a Scorpio anyway.
I was much happier when I cared less about the stupid shit people would do that affected me. It was usually easier to stop talking to people than to talk things out. At some point someone suggested that it was childish to do the former rather than the latter so I got a bit more touchy-feely. In hindsight I don't think touchy-feely is the way to go. Talking things out... I'm not a fan.
Still, I guess burning bridges with people isn't a great method either.
If I could, I would just phone in to radio shows for advice on how to deal with things that a bitchier me wouldn't tolerate.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
i doubt it
Last night I saw Daniel Johnston and while it was sweet and brought me close to tears, I realised that I am an eternal pessimist. There is no chance for the kind of optimism he has.
I find myself in situations that can do nothing but end badly. Even the seemingly positive ones just don't pan out and I'm left wondering what I did this time to fuck things up. Because the common denominator in all these situations is me.
As I walked from the bus to my house early this morning, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sadness that very little seems to be going right lately. There's all this potential for great things to happen, but then little things remind me that, inevitably, I will fail in the process and a little bit of my soul will die with each failure.
It's hard to be optimistic when this sort of realisation hits you.
So please understand that I'm going to lay low for a while. I just can't stand the thought of fucking up more friendships right now because it's really the only thing that is a sure thing right now.
I find myself in situations that can do nothing but end badly. Even the seemingly positive ones just don't pan out and I'm left wondering what I did this time to fuck things up. Because the common denominator in all these situations is me.
As I walked from the bus to my house early this morning, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sadness that very little seems to be going right lately. There's all this potential for great things to happen, but then little things remind me that, inevitably, I will fail in the process and a little bit of my soul will die with each failure.
It's hard to be optimistic when this sort of realisation hits you.
So please understand that I'm going to lay low for a while. I just can't stand the thought of fucking up more friendships right now because it's really the only thing that is a sure thing right now.
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