Today I wanted to go into work to make up for some time I owe. Or ride the bus to the serger repair place with my broken machine. Or to the cheese shop in my neighbourhood that recently opened for their grand opening. Or outside my house at all.

The light is falling and I haven't left my house.

You might imagine that means I'm doing something useful in my house. I'm not; I haven't done anything today. I'm completely unmotivated to do the stuff that normal people would do around the house. There's just no real reason to do anything. I'm the only one who will see my apartment, the only one who eats here, the only one who has to live with the piles. What I do or don't do doesn't actually matter.

But this is starting to carry over into whatever life I have outside of my house. It doesn't matter if I leave my house on days like today because, even if I do, my interactions will be with strangers. It makes sense to just go to work instead of everything else because at least I'll be productive. And I can't even convince myself to do that today.

The thing is... It's become clearer that my life is always about 5 months from nothingness. I've got work for a while, but the end of each contract is always on my mind. It's never not on my mind. So it seems pointless to do anything around the house when I know I might lose it all in a few months. Irrational? I have no idea; it is a real possibility.

If I don't have a full-time job by the end of April that's it for me; my opportunities are done here. With my contracts done and nothing more permanent, I'm fucked. How do you convince yourself to do anything when you can't even imagine your life in 5 months, when there's just nothing there?