giving up (for real)

Today I realised that every guy I've dated the last few years is now in a committed relationship. Sigh. Bring out the dancing horses.

Years and years ago, an ex-boyfriend thanked me for giving him the confidence to date his (now) wife. Apparently I have some sort of magical skill in building up the men I'm with. I see it as a shift in power: I give them part of mine so they have lots and I have none. Recently someone I dated off and on informed me that he's going to commit with an old ex-girlfriend because, dating me, he realised he had the best connection with her and he was glad that I helped him realise that.

Wouldn't it be nice if I was the one thanking some guy for helping me find the person I fit with? But, based on the males I've known, that's never going to happen because these relationships are never about me; they're always about how it's going to help him. Of course I want the person I'm with to be happy. I would just prefer him to be happy with me instead of someone else. Yet it never feels very reciprocal. After I crumble, it always becomes apparent that it was one-sided, that I put in too much effort with not a lot of results.

So. I just give up. I'm going to hide at work and hide at home and then I don't have to worry about another disaster waiting to happen. My childhood friend told me this week that it only takes one guy to be the right one. Unfortunately I don't think I can wait anymore for him to get his shit together and find me.