a hole

Sometimes I suspect I'm the most terrible person alive. Right now... one of those times.

My friend invited me to a housewarming party in January. I knew immediately that I didn't want to go, that I hate most of his friends and don't really like his girlfriend when she soapboxes me. And yet I was just hoping to accidentally double-book. No such luck. I had to tell him that I couldn't be around people that I don't like, that I was freaked out about going to his housewarming. He said he understood, that people drift apart and I was still welcome to visit anytime I want to.

The problem is that I'm not sure why we were ever friends. I can't remember. So much of our friendship was a sexual tension that was appeased ages ago, and since then things haven't ever been the same. It makes me sad, but maybe women and men aren't really meant to be friends without some subconscious attraction.

Not to say that I want to do it with all my male friends or anything. That's not the case. But there's some sort of attraction with the people I like to spend time with, not necessarily sexual, but something, and maybe sometimes that attraction just dissipates with time. I don't really know, but it hurts my heart. It hurts to lose friends and have someone I once was so close to just not be near me at all anymore. Is it me? Is it him? Was it inevitable?

I just don't know. But I do know that my heart is cracked and oozing uncontrolled feelings that don't seem to be clotting at all.