the mean reds and other bouts

Lately I haven't been feeling like myself. Something is off, not quite right. Increasingly I find myself dour, short tempered and humourless with very few glimpses of my former self. I can't quite pinpoint when I started becoming less fun, but it freaks me out that I have more bad days than good.

And I must apologise if any of you have read the blog for an extended time. Posts have not been as particularly charming as they perhaps once were. As 1972 David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust would say, I'm going through ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

(It is at this point I realise I will be repeating the same post from various other days.)

After yet another troublesome conversation with one of my friends, I've decided I probably shouldn't speak to that friend for a while. All our conversations end in me curled up in the fetal position on the verge of tears, feeling as though I just sustained another kick while I'm already down. The last time I felt this was a couple years ago with a person I stopped speaking to at this time of the year, for virtually the same reasons. I don't like it when friends make me feel bad, like I'm not important or that I'm distracting from more important things. I'm just unwilling to eliminate this friend in the same way because I half-suspect it's just the stress talking. I tend to be a little high-strung at the best of times.

Perhaps the problem stems from my lack of drinking in recent months. I'm really not drinking as much as I used to, eliminating huge chunks of time that would have been spent socialising. I miss booze; she was once my semi-regular companion. I should visit with her more often.

Tenuously related, this week is the real start of the do-or-die this semester. I'll have stuff due weekly for most of February and March with three enormous projects to do by early April (two of which are group projects). Friday I finally got an email telling me to attend orientation for a student librarian position, so I'll have to fit another 4 hours (at least) into my schedule. In short, I'm feeling overloaded. And to top it off, I'm being a crappy friend to virtually everyone I actually talk to; others are needlessly neglected due to my inability to manage my time.

I'll be surprised if, by graduation, anyone is speaking to me.

Plans for the trip I want to take in May are still up in the air. I need to figure out how to buy inexpensive connector flights between either Chicago and New York, New York and Toronto, or Chicago and Toronto. And how to get cheap starter flights to any of those cities. (Any help/suggestions to make this all happen as cheaply as possible would be greatly appreciated.) I still haven't decided on whether or not to go to New York for sure because I want to have a few days in each place (a few extra in Toronto) and don't want to feel rushed the whole time. I just need to get the hell away from this city for a while; I'm going nuts here.

To recap, feed me booze and you will get both time with me and glimpses of my former self. Tempting, I know.