When I was a kid, I thought my Uncle Johnny was Johnny Cash. I'd seen Johnny Cash on TV and he had the same hair, a similarly weathered-looking face, and the same raspy voice as Uncle Johnny. Obviously it was the same person. I didn't think it was weird that Uncle Johnny didn't sing around me, that I only ever saw him sing on TV, but they had the same name and that they were the same person seemed rational at 6. I mean, the album covers were like photographs from the family album.
I can't remember exactly how or when I figured out that Uncle Johnny wasn't Johnny Cash. I suspect I asked my mom about it and she asked me what Uncle Johnny's last name was. It wasn't Cash. Something so obvious... Why hadn't I thought of that earlier?
Still, if you could see a picture of the two of them... The resemblance is uncanny.
We spent a lot of time with Uncle Johnny because he and my dad were extremely close and we lived in the same town. Most of my birthdays when I lived at home included Uncle Johnny and Auntie Pearl. Summers were spent on camping trips to the lakes around my home with all our relatives, but it was always around Uncle Johnny's fire that we'd roast marshmallows. They had the biggest 5th wheel of anyone in the family and mornings I'd wander over to their trailer to watch Uncle Johnny drink his first cup of coffee and take a Tums to cut it.
Even since leaving home, I always made sure to visit Auntie Pearl and Uncle Johnny when I was home. It was a necessity. And I was always amazed how loving he was with my aunt (they always held hands when they walked anywhere) and with us, since he and my dad are brothers and my dad didn't used to be very open with his affection for us. Hugs from Uncle Johnny tied me over until my dad was able to share affection.
Yesterday morning my Uncle Johnny passed away.
I talked to my mom for Mother's Day and that was the first thing she said. I thought I was OK because his health had been declining rapidly this year so it wasn't a surprise. I went home for Easter so I could see him before he got worse, knowing it would be the last time, and it was really hard to see him, but I was really grateful to have the chance to sit with him and get one last hug.
I don't think I'm OK. All I can think about is my dad and what he must be going through, losing his last brother. I'm not sure if I can handle going to the funeral because I internalise other people's emotions and Uncle Johnny was well-loved by our whole enormous family. At the same time, I want to be there for my dad and my Auntie Pearl because I know how great this loss is for both of them. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
Currently listening :
American Recordings
By Johnny Cash
Release date: 05 March, 2002
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