Sometimes I have to physically stop myself from rolling my eyes when people make general statements like, "You have so many friends." Times like today make me question that.
Free show. Biggish bands. Decent hour. You'd think I would know someone who was interested in going. Nope. Not a single person. So I'm working an extra few hours to get ahead a bit until it's time to go outside and see bands play for free by myself.
I realised, though, while getting rebuffed over and over, that this is why I stop trying to socialise with people. Because, really, if I can't get people interested in seeing things that are actually interesting, why would they want to do anything not exciting? And, thinking about it, I know that they often don't want to do anything then either. Irrational, depressed me says, "See? You have no friends, so why do you even bother asking?" Slightly less irrational me says, "People are busy. You're busy. You should talk about making plans with people."
But, even with the craziness of my schedule, I do make efforts to see people when possible. I forgo sleep, I neglect basic living tasks like laundry and grocery shopping and eating, I move my work schedule around to accommodate people when I can, I write things down in pen. But I seem to know a lot of people who don't do those things and that leaves me out in the cold. And that's OK, I guess; I can't make people put in the effort. But it takes a lot of gall for those same people to tell me how I've got an abundance of friends.
Like people who expect other people to pick up the trash, some friends seem to think someone else is there to be a friend. The reality is that I can count on one hand with fingers remaining the number of people who actually do stuff when asked. Sometimes it doesn't bother me. Today it does.
If you wonder why I take on more work than I can physically work? Short answer: it fills my free time.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
windy
This is no shock to anyone who knows me, but I desperately wish I were able to live/work in Chicago. Le sigh. I was in Chicago for the 6th or 7th time last week and it was extremely hard to come home. Ridiculously hard. I stayed there as long as I could. It was really good times.
My friends are getting married next spring and I'm hoping she was serious when she said I'd be invited. Because I will go to her wedding, no matter what. Any reason to go back to Chicago...
I might actually have to go back sooner than next May, though, because the history museum has an exhibit opening in mid-October that only runs until mid-April. It's my favourite couturier, Charles James, and since his dresses are not exhibited that much (maybe one in any given exhibition, the Met Costume Institute included) it seems criminal to not even make the effort to get back to see it.
Really, I did try to counter this possibility by putting in a request to visit the clothing collection during my trip, but was thwarted. Actually, I was ignored. I tried to get a response a couple of times. I even befriended the docent during one of my architecture tours because he mentioned that he also volunteers at the history museum. The timing of his volunteer shift and when I was leaving town didn't work out, so I'm left in the position to have to go to Chicago again in the coming months. Poor me.
And I want to see my friend's band play, because I keep missing their gigs.
The next cheap flight and I'm there. Or the next cheap flight that fits into my ridiculous work schedule.
My friends are getting married next spring and I'm hoping she was serious when she said I'd be invited. Because I will go to her wedding, no matter what. Any reason to go back to Chicago...
I might actually have to go back sooner than next May, though, because the history museum has an exhibit opening in mid-October that only runs until mid-April. It's my favourite couturier, Charles James, and since his dresses are not exhibited that much (maybe one in any given exhibition, the Met Costume Institute included) it seems criminal to not even make the effort to get back to see it.
Really, I did try to counter this possibility by putting in a request to visit the clothing collection during my trip, but was thwarted. Actually, I was ignored. I tried to get a response a couple of times. I even befriended the docent during one of my architecture tours because he mentioned that he also volunteers at the history museum. The timing of his volunteer shift and when I was leaving town didn't work out, so I'm left in the position to have to go to Chicago again in the coming months. Poor me.
And I want to see my friend's band play, because I keep missing their gigs.
The next cheap flight and I'm there. Or the next cheap flight that fits into my ridiculous work schedule.
second guessing
With the approach of chilly weather, I'm starting to wonder if that summer sewing project could have been thought out a little better.
This morning I stared at my closet, full of dresses, and none of them seemed to suit the weather. I settled on a cheap, likely unattractive DKNY dress that I've been meaning to alter, but then never get around to. It's fine, I think, though the last time I saw it full-length was when I bought it, and since it was $20 it barely mattered how good it looked. Shorten the skirt and take in the sides, I thought, and it'll be great. Fast forward 5 months and... those initial thoughts are probably still true.
What it all comes down to is that I really need to get a full-length mirror.
Yesterday, a woman gave me a severe stinkeye while talking to her friend about me (I assume it was about me because she looked me up and down and kept motioning towards me in another language with a tone of disgust) because I was wearing a somewhat bright dress. Generally this matters very little to me because I'm the one who has to wear it and bright clothing makes me happy. I was feeling a bit "fuck you" about it this time, though, so sauntered over to stand right beside her and looked her up and down and rolled my eyes. Like a child. But, seriously, people shouldn't be making judgments about me when they're dressed like they're fresh off the boat. (That's a little harsh, I realise, but I'm not sure how else to describe the look: white socks, clunky black Mary Janes, flood knit pants, layers of long sleeved shirts... This was not a woman who paid any attention to how she looked.)
What was my point there? Maybe that was just a tangent.
Anyway, I'm going to look at what fabric I have and see if I can concentrate on fall/winter sewing. Because I'm going to freeze my ass off if I don't figure something out soon. I have a couple of woolens for a vintage Vogue short jacket and a crazy orange herringbone for a boxy skirt suit. I want to line everything so it's slightly warmer and so it stops sticking to my tights. I don't want to have to rely on coats to stay warm just yet because my coats kind of suck.
Why can't woolens be a little cheaper so I can try making a coat without worrying about how much a potential failure will cost me? Why can't I ever find vintage fabric at charity shops?
This morning I stared at my closet, full of dresses, and none of them seemed to suit the weather. I settled on a cheap, likely unattractive DKNY dress that I've been meaning to alter, but then never get around to. It's fine, I think, though the last time I saw it full-length was when I bought it, and since it was $20 it barely mattered how good it looked. Shorten the skirt and take in the sides, I thought, and it'll be great. Fast forward 5 months and... those initial thoughts are probably still true.
What it all comes down to is that I really need to get a full-length mirror.
Yesterday, a woman gave me a severe stinkeye while talking to her friend about me (I assume it was about me because she looked me up and down and kept motioning towards me in another language with a tone of disgust) because I was wearing a somewhat bright dress. Generally this matters very little to me because I'm the one who has to wear it and bright clothing makes me happy. I was feeling a bit "fuck you" about it this time, though, so sauntered over to stand right beside her and looked her up and down and rolled my eyes. Like a child. But, seriously, people shouldn't be making judgments about me when they're dressed like they're fresh off the boat. (That's a little harsh, I realise, but I'm not sure how else to describe the look: white socks, clunky black Mary Janes, flood knit pants, layers of long sleeved shirts... This was not a woman who paid any attention to how she looked.)
What was my point there? Maybe that was just a tangent.
Anyway, I'm going to look at what fabric I have and see if I can concentrate on fall/winter sewing. Because I'm going to freeze my ass off if I don't figure something out soon. I have a couple of woolens for a vintage Vogue short jacket and a crazy orange herringbone for a boxy skirt suit. I want to line everything so it's slightly warmer and so it stops sticking to my tights. I don't want to have to rely on coats to stay warm just yet because my coats kind of suck.
Why can't woolens be a little cheaper so I can try making a coat without worrying about how much a potential failure will cost me? Why can't I ever find vintage fabric at charity shops?
Friday, September 2, 2011
the more things change...
Things happening in my friends' lives that are awesome:
1) getting knocked up. This summer seems to be the summer for pregnancies because right now at least 6 friends are preggers. Babies start popping in December and will be all out by the end of February.
2) moving to new cities. Two very close friends have just moved to Vancouver, one for the first time, the other returning after a couple years back east. The injection of people who like to do things I like to do is very, very welcome.
3) getting new jobs. Seems to be a thing. I keep getting LinkedIn updates and the job descriptions my friends have sound really awesome. A few have been offered better jobs. These things sound like a positive.
4) getting married. Just a few friends got married this summer, but it's pretty big whenever that happens, right?
5) going on major trips. Trips to Ireland, jetsetting to London, flying over to Japan, Paris, Thailand, Vietnam... I hear about these things after they happen and it sounds fun and I am very jealous.
Things happening in my life right now:
1) my hair sticks out at weird angles and certain curls will not go away, even though my current haircut expects straightness.
2) I've been trying to sew whenever I feel the threat of depression. This means I have a bunch of dresses. It hasn't been a very qualitative summer, just sort of quantitative.
3) .... uh.... I found some shoes that I like. They give me blisters on my right foot, but they were cheap and have pansies that may or may not have skulls in the centres. They have little blue bows on them. I like pansies quite a lot.
4) I have tomatoes to freeze because I can't eat them before they start to turn. My freezer is full of things that I couldn't eat before they started to turn. My stash of bananas is embarrassing. Any day now I'll start using them in smoothies. Any day now.
I feel a little like I did in Japan, when I was just sort of existing while other people had lives that were dynamic and ever-changing. Mine feels like something is about to happen, but then it never really does. Same old, same old.
Any minute now I will have something interesting happen, right?
1) getting knocked up. This summer seems to be the summer for pregnancies because right now at least 6 friends are preggers. Babies start popping in December and will be all out by the end of February.
2) moving to new cities. Two very close friends have just moved to Vancouver, one for the first time, the other returning after a couple years back east. The injection of people who like to do things I like to do is very, very welcome.
3) getting new jobs. Seems to be a thing. I keep getting LinkedIn updates and the job descriptions my friends have sound really awesome. A few have been offered better jobs. These things sound like a positive.
4) getting married. Just a few friends got married this summer, but it's pretty big whenever that happens, right?
5) going on major trips. Trips to Ireland, jetsetting to London, flying over to Japan, Paris, Thailand, Vietnam... I hear about these things after they happen and it sounds fun and I am very jealous.
Things happening in my life right now:
1) my hair sticks out at weird angles and certain curls will not go away, even though my current haircut expects straightness.
2) I've been trying to sew whenever I feel the threat of depression. This means I have a bunch of dresses. It hasn't been a very qualitative summer, just sort of quantitative.
3) .... uh.... I found some shoes that I like. They give me blisters on my right foot, but they were cheap and have pansies that may or may not have skulls in the centres. They have little blue bows on them. I like pansies quite a lot.
4) I have tomatoes to freeze because I can't eat them before they start to turn. My freezer is full of things that I couldn't eat before they started to turn. My stash of bananas is embarrassing. Any day now I'll start using them in smoothies. Any day now.
I feel a little like I did in Japan, when I was just sort of existing while other people had lives that were dynamic and ever-changing. Mine feels like something is about to happen, but then it never really does. Same old, same old.
Any minute now I will have something interesting happen, right?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
failure
It probably goes without saying that I didn't get the job. And I'm really trying to not feel like the biggest fucking loser ever, but it's hard. I mean, I've worked there for almost 3 years and they hired someone who recently graduated. Which means, despite working for 3 years, I still don't have enough experience to work where I already work.
Last night I met my friend for a quick dinner and, during a story about being in my hometown bar and summing up why it was for the best that we didn't run into the trouble the place is known for, he mentioned that it was best for everyone that I didn't need to react because he knows I would. So... I'm extremely reactive. And this isn't a big surprise to me, but it still stings when other people point it out because it is incredibly hard to not react.
Which is why I haven't quit that job yet. Because I really want to. So much. I can't even tell you how much I want to quit that job. More than I want to get over my allergy to cats. But that's reactive and adults don't do shit like quit a job when they don't get hired for a better, secure job with the same company.
I've been avoiding people from that job as well. My debriefing interview was a joke; the head of the hiring committee had nothing productive to say other than that I need more experience. Then she sent me an email that said I should "pretty up" my resume and join the professional association to meet people and start a personal blog.
Typing that makes me want to slam my head against the wall repeatedly until that sounds like good advice. It's like she never looked at my resume.
Talking about it with people from that workplace won't do anything but make me feel worse. Oh, you think I deserved that job? Me too. You can't believe they chose someone who started grad school after I graduated? I'm with you on that one. You wish I had gotten the job? That's... great. I didn't get the job and now I can never get away from that because people will remind me constantly that I didn't get the job. Yay.
So... already being prone to beating myself up (because my brain constantly tells me I'm not good enough), it's kicked into HIGH GEAR with this. I am just a warm body that fills in when the real important people need breaks. I'm a blowup doll in the passenger seat so you can drive in the HOV lane. I'm the discardable paper balled up in the toe of a shoe until a foot goes in. I'm just an auxiliary librarian, now and forever.
Last night I met my friend for a quick dinner and, during a story about being in my hometown bar and summing up why it was for the best that we didn't run into the trouble the place is known for, he mentioned that it was best for everyone that I didn't need to react because he knows I would. So... I'm extremely reactive. And this isn't a big surprise to me, but it still stings when other people point it out because it is incredibly hard to not react.
Which is why I haven't quit that job yet. Because I really want to. So much. I can't even tell you how much I want to quit that job. More than I want to get over my allergy to cats. But that's reactive and adults don't do shit like quit a job when they don't get hired for a better, secure job with the same company.
I've been avoiding people from that job as well. My debriefing interview was a joke; the head of the hiring committee had nothing productive to say other than that I need more experience. Then she sent me an email that said I should "pretty up" my resume and join the professional association to meet people and start a personal blog.
Typing that makes me want to slam my head against the wall repeatedly until that sounds like good advice. It's like she never looked at my resume.
Talking about it with people from that workplace won't do anything but make me feel worse. Oh, you think I deserved that job? Me too. You can't believe they chose someone who started grad school after I graduated? I'm with you on that one. You wish I had gotten the job? That's... great. I didn't get the job and now I can never get away from that because people will remind me constantly that I didn't get the job. Yay.
So... already being prone to beating myself up (because my brain constantly tells me I'm not good enough), it's kicked into HIGH GEAR with this. I am just a warm body that fills in when the real important people need breaks. I'm a blowup doll in the passenger seat so you can drive in the HOV lane. I'm the discardable paper balled up in the toe of a shoe until a foot goes in. I'm just an auxiliary librarian, now and forever.
Monday, August 15, 2011
holding pattern
This summer is all about waiting to see what will happen. I'm having a hard time being patient when other people are in charge of deciding whether or not I'll have enough work to get by. I'm stuck in limbo.
It's been almost 2 weeks since I interviewed for a job. The longer it takes to hear back, the more it feels like I didn't get the job. If I didn't get the job, I have to work my ass off to get enough work to pay next month's rent. If I did get the job... Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it.
I'm naturally an impatient person. When I saw a counselor, he always asked why I was feeling so anxious at that moment because I was always fiddling or moving my feet or shifting in my seat. It was obvious that I couldn't stay still. And often I catch myself doing these things while waiting for buses or people, when circumstances aren't moving at a speed that I want them to. For a while I was good at monitoring this type of anxiety and working through it, but lately it's impossible. I'm a jumble.
At this point I wonder if they're waiting to tell me after this week because I won't have any shifts for a month. If that's the case, I think it's pretty obvious what the answer is.
These are the times that I realise a healthy habit or hobby would be good, like running. If I ran and only ran when I was feeling anxious, I would be super fit at this point.
It's been almost 2 weeks since I interviewed for a job. The longer it takes to hear back, the more it feels like I didn't get the job. If I didn't get the job, I have to work my ass off to get enough work to pay next month's rent. If I did get the job... Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it.
I'm naturally an impatient person. When I saw a counselor, he always asked why I was feeling so anxious at that moment because I was always fiddling or moving my feet or shifting in my seat. It was obvious that I couldn't stay still. And often I catch myself doing these things while waiting for buses or people, when circumstances aren't moving at a speed that I want them to. For a while I was good at monitoring this type of anxiety and working through it, but lately it's impossible. I'm a jumble.
At this point I wonder if they're waiting to tell me after this week because I won't have any shifts for a month. If that's the case, I think it's pretty obvious what the answer is.
These are the times that I realise a healthy habit or hobby would be good, like running. If I ran and only ran when I was feeling anxious, I would be super fit at this point.
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