holding pattern

This summer is all about waiting to see what will happen. I'm having a hard time being patient when other people are in charge of deciding whether or not I'll have enough work to get by. I'm stuck in limbo.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I interviewed for a job. The longer it takes to hear back, the more it feels like I didn't get the job. If I didn't get the job, I have to work my ass off to get enough work to pay next month's rent. If I did get the job... Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it.

I'm naturally an impatient person. When I saw a counselor, he always asked why I was feeling so anxious at that moment because I was always fiddling or moving my feet or shifting in my seat. It was obvious that I couldn't stay still. And often I catch myself doing these things while waiting for buses or people, when circumstances aren't moving at a speed that I want them to. For a while I was good at monitoring this type of anxiety and working through it, but lately it's impossible. I'm a jumble.

At this point I wonder if they're waiting to tell me after this week because I won't have any shifts for a month. If that's the case, I think it's pretty obvious what the answer is.

These are the times that I realise a healthy habit or hobby would be good, like running. If I ran and only ran when I was feeling anxious, I would be super fit at this point.

query

I have been thinking of starting a blog or something to only post positive things. Maybe put up some sewing projects. Show some pictures of things I've baked. I'm just not sure which interface I want to work with. Initially I thought about a free Wordpress one, but it needs some tweaking and I haven't found a design that I'm sold on. Thought about Tumblr, too, but worry about limitations with writing stuff. I could do another Blogger one, but I don't want this one to be linked to the other in any way.

Any suggestions? What interface would be best for photos/writing/stuff?

the lazy domestic

Whenever I tell people that I'm really quite lazy about sewing and cooking, usually they scoff at me. "But you actually cook!" Yes, but I don't put much effort into it. "But you actually make stuff you wear!" Yes, but I skip steps and don't put in zippers unless I absolutely have to. I realise we will never agree on this alleged laziness.

Perhaps cheap is a better descriptor. I'm cheap with my time, and to me that seems lazy. If I can make something faster than it would take to go out and get something from a restaurant, I will make it at home. If I can make a dress that I'll like in less time than it would take me to find one, I will sew it.

And it's not just cheap with time. I'm cheap, period.

One thing that bothers me is paying a lot of money for clothing that will either look out of place in a few months or that will fall apart because of poor quality. Would I rather pay $100 for a dress that fits pretty good or $8 for the fabric for a dress that I can keep tweaking and finish so it will never fall apart? Would I rather pay for a subpar meal or pay extra for good ingredients for an at-home recipe? Probably the latter. But maybe it all just comes down to the fact that I'm cheap.

I am OK with being cheap. Cheap is economical. Some would say frugal. I am taking back cheap as a bad thing because if I weren't cheap I would be in debt. So cheap is OK with me.

grumble grumble

This morning on the train, a skinny Asian woman, probably in her late 20s, offered me her seat. I am guessing she thought I looked pregnant, though I looked at my belly when I got to work and I don't see whatever she saw. There were other women standing up, so it couldn't have been because she didn't really want to sit down. But it put me in a fowl mood.

Why can't someone just be fat anymore?

If thin women actually looked at women who aren't skinny, perhaps I wouldn't have to tell them that I'm not pregnant every 5 or 6 months. If my body type were represented anywhere in society, I wouldn't have to explain my body to people who mistake me for pregnant.

I'm sure I'm just being sensitive. Being a single, barren woman, I shouldn't be so offended by the suggestion that someone would impregnate me. But I am. It undermines my self esteem. I can't help that my body carries fat in the way it does, and the amount of work I need to do to not have fat on my body is more than I'm willing to do. I resent that my body can't just *be*; it has to be judged whenever I wear certain clothes. And no matter how much care I put into dressing or how happy I feel about my body, it will always be negated when someone suggests I'm so fat that I look pregnant.

As my mother would say, I'm the one who has to wear it. If people kept their mouths shut about my body, maybe I wouldn't always be so conscious of it.

worst case

So. The fork. The fork has turned into a knife, and points in one direction: to nowhere.

With 2 hours left in my shift, the head of the library came by the ref desk and let me know that, yes, the selection process is taking a little longer than anticipated because there was a surprise internal candidate. Apparently one of the sessional instructors in Classics just finished his MLIS (*just* finished and has never worked as a librarian anywhere) and, because he's technically still within the faculty association, is considered internal. He didn't bother to stop by the library (ever, in fact. No one has ever met him) to ask about the position; he just applied. Even though it was posted as an internal/external job, meaning anyone can be considered. But... he's internal. So he gets interviewed for suitability and I get to, once again, miss out on the job that I want. Rarely do they pass up the internal candidate.

When she told me, I had to figure out how to not fall apart on the desk. But now I really don't feel like going to that job anymore. I give up.

Do you ever have those "It's a Wonderful Life" moments? Not the part where you realise people are there for you in your worst time. The part where the only thing you can think of to do is to lean over a bridge and wish aloud that you were never born. When you have no idea what point there is in being alive because you feel like you're not doing anything worthwhile, that you're not making a difference to anyone. Because that's kind of how my day has been going. Hopefully this feeling goes away tomorrow.

When I was feeling miserable in Japan, I would carry sea glass from Beacon Hill Park in my pocket and rub the smooth surface to feel better. It was reassuring. I eventually gave all my sea glass to other people who seemed to need it more than I did. I just don't know where to get a sea glass substitute anymore without drugging the nothingness away.

the pull of mercury

Sometimes there's a secret message in everything, that all signs point to the one thing you dread most in life. I am having one of those days. Everything is telling me I am on my own. I plan to start reading "Sailing Alone Around The World" for tips on how to navigate from this point. I need some clarity because my life's compass has gotten me lost, left me adrift without any sign of a search rescue.

This next month will be my personal fork in the road, dependent on other people's wishes and wants. This is nothing new, but it is the sink or swim moment in my professional life. If I don't get this job, the job I've been hoping for for the last 2 1/2 years, I have to rethink everything in my life. If I should keep trying with what I've got. If I should take whatever I can get from this point on. If I should give up and leave this place. Days like today make it hard to remember what's keeping me here. My Spray is waiting for me in a dock somewhere and by the end of this summer it will be decided where it will take me.

(un)motivated

If you haven't guessed by now, I go through phases, where certain activities happen more frequently than any others because they calm my nerves and stop me from having a nervous breakdown. For a long time, my go-to was baking. I got through grad school because of baking. Then I switched to sewing, though only half-assed because I didn't bother to challenge myself. I just wanted results. For the last 8 months, I worked to calm my nerves, which sounds a bit ironic, considering I worked so much that I nearly lost my head. But it's the act of filling time that calms me, not the actual activity.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

For a few years I banned myself from buying fabric at all. I wasn't permitted to even go to a fabric store for fear of falling off the wagon. And I did pretty well. I only bought fabric when I decided to sew bags to see if I could sell them, to supplement Christmas one year. I didn't sell that many, maybe about 7 or 8, but it was enough to pay for presents for my family and some friends. It, unfortunately, made me think I could buy fabric again.

Lately, I've really been trying not to buy much fabric because I have enough. If it's possible to have enough. But the problem is that I can't stop myself from doing something obsessive, so I've been buying patterns. I have more than I need, more than I can likely make in the next 5 years. And today I picked up a bunch because they were on sale. (I guess that's one thing... I'm really cheap and won't spend much if I don't have to.)

There's a series that I haven't seen before, of just a couple of easy separates done in cute colours. It's Simplicity's Lisette line and I had to stop myself from buying them all today. Only because they were regular price, and I won't spend more than $4 for any pattern unless it's Vogue or vintage. But they are really cute and I broke down and got 2211 because it has a cute top that can be lengthened and a cute A-line skirt. Really, I could probably draft these patterns in a couple of days, but when you're as unmotivated as I am, a few days turn into weeks and months. (Case in point: I still have Christmas presents that I haven't managed to send to friends. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to motivate myself.) I also bought two cuts of fabric to try out the shirt pattern because it's getting to the point when I need shirts that won't require a cardi over top. If I manage to get them done, I'll post. It could be a while.