bang head here

Sometimes I have to physically stop myself from rolling my eyes when people make general statements like, "You have so many friends." Times like today make me question that.

Free show. Biggish bands. Decent hour. You'd think I would know someone who was interested in going. Nope. Not a single person. So I'm working an extra few hours to get ahead a bit until it's time to go outside and see bands play for free by myself.

I realised, though, while getting rebuffed over and over, that this is why I stop trying to socialise with people. Because, really, if I can't get people interested in seeing things that are actually interesting, why would they want to do anything not exciting? And, thinking about it, I know that they often don't want to do anything then either. Irrational, depressed me says, "See? You have no friends, so why do you even bother asking?" Slightly less irrational me says, "People are busy. You're busy. You should talk about making plans with people."

But, even with the craziness of my schedule, I do make efforts to see people when possible. I forgo sleep, I neglect basic living tasks like laundry and grocery shopping and eating, I move my work schedule around to accommodate people when I can, I write things down in pen. But I seem to know a lot of people who don't do those things and that leaves me out in the cold. And that's OK, I guess; I can't make people put in the effort. But it takes a lot of gall for those same people to tell me how I've got an abundance of friends.

Like people who expect other people to pick up the trash, some friends seem to think someone else is there to be a friend. The reality is that I can count on one hand with fingers remaining the number of people who actually do stuff when asked. Sometimes it doesn't bother me. Today it does.

If you wonder why I take on more work than I can physically work? Short answer: it fills my free time.