taking inventory

People always view the end of the year as a chance to start fresh with a new year and think about what they'd like to change in their lives. Not me. I like to evaluate how many people will come to my funeral.

I've been doing this since I was a little kid, probably about 7 or 8, when I started having major existential crises. That was when I started waking up in the middle of the night, wondering how I could prove I exist and trying to convince myself that other people were alive and not just a figment of my imagination. I'd sit down and try to think of who would come to my funeral if I were dead the next day, and depending whether or not my siblings were angry at me, my numbers would be pretty low. My parents were the only ones that were always on the list.

Even still, the only people that I know would come to my funeral are my parents. For everyone else, I know that it's not a given; stuff comes up, people have family priorities or work or something. And that comes to mind every New Years, that as long as my parents are alive, they're my only sure thing. I'm glad to have them, that we have a good relationship and that their health is good. I try not to think about what will happen when something happens and they're no longer there. Sometimes it's really hard to avoid.

Which is why I take inventory of how many people I'm still on speaking terms with and the degree to which they seem to like me. Whether or not they might like me enough to come to my funeral. And going into the new year, if I've survived the holidays in one emotional piece, I try to make efforts to catch up with people I haven't talked to for a while or make plans to visit people nearby that I don't see often.

This year I'm not sure I want to do the inventory because I'm afraid to learn the results. Sometimes it's just easier to hide under the covers and pretend everything is fine.