Whenever I tell people that I'm really quite lazy about sewing and cooking, usually they scoff at me. "But you actually cook!" Yes, but I don't put much effort into it. "But you actually make stuff you wear!" Yes, but I skip steps and don't put in zippers unless I absolutely have to. I realise we will never agree on this alleged laziness.
Perhaps cheap is a better descriptor. I'm cheap with my time, and to me that seems lazy. If I can make something faster than it would take to go out and get something from a restaurant, I will make it at home. If I can make a dress that I'll like in less time than it would take me to find one, I will sew it.
And it's not just cheap with time. I'm cheap, period.
One thing that bothers me is paying a lot of money for clothing that will either look out of place in a few months or that will fall apart because of poor quality. Would I rather pay $100 for a dress that fits pretty good or $8 for the fabric for a dress that I can keep tweaking and finish so it will never fall apart? Would I rather pay for a subpar meal or pay extra for good ingredients for an at-home recipe? Probably the latter. But maybe it all just comes down to the fact that I'm cheap.
I am OK with being cheap. Cheap is economical. Some would say frugal. I am taking back cheap as a bad thing because if I weren't cheap I would be in debt. So cheap is OK with me.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
grumble grumble
This morning on the train, a skinny Asian woman, probably in her late 20s, offered me her seat. I am guessing she thought I looked pregnant, though I looked at my belly when I got to work and I don't see whatever she saw. There were other women standing up, so it couldn't have been because she didn't really want to sit down. But it put me in a fowl mood.
Why can't someone just be fat anymore?
If thin women actually looked at women who aren't skinny, perhaps I wouldn't have to tell them that I'm not pregnant every 5 or 6 months. If my body type were represented anywhere in society, I wouldn't have to explain my body to people who mistake me for pregnant.
I'm sure I'm just being sensitive. Being a single, barren woman, I shouldn't be so offended by the suggestion that someone would impregnate me. But I am. It undermines my self esteem. I can't help that my body carries fat in the way it does, and the amount of work I need to do to not have fat on my body is more than I'm willing to do. I resent that my body can't just *be*; it has to be judged whenever I wear certain clothes. And no matter how much care I put into dressing or how happy I feel about my body, it will always be negated when someone suggests I'm so fat that I look pregnant.
As my mother would say, I'm the one who has to wear it. If people kept their mouths shut about my body, maybe I wouldn't always be so conscious of it.
Why can't someone just be fat anymore?
If thin women actually looked at women who aren't skinny, perhaps I wouldn't have to tell them that I'm not pregnant every 5 or 6 months. If my body type were represented anywhere in society, I wouldn't have to explain my body to people who mistake me for pregnant.
I'm sure I'm just being sensitive. Being a single, barren woman, I shouldn't be so offended by the suggestion that someone would impregnate me. But I am. It undermines my self esteem. I can't help that my body carries fat in the way it does, and the amount of work I need to do to not have fat on my body is more than I'm willing to do. I resent that my body can't just *be*; it has to be judged whenever I wear certain clothes. And no matter how much care I put into dressing or how happy I feel about my body, it will always be negated when someone suggests I'm so fat that I look pregnant.
As my mother would say, I'm the one who has to wear it. If people kept their mouths shut about my body, maybe I wouldn't always be so conscious of it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
worst case
So. The fork. The fork has turned into a knife, and points in one direction: to nowhere.
With 2 hours left in my shift, the head of the library came by the ref desk and let me know that, yes, the selection process is taking a little longer than anticipated because there was a surprise internal candidate. Apparently one of the sessional instructors in Classics just finished his MLIS (*just* finished and has never worked as a librarian anywhere) and, because he's technically still within the faculty association, is considered internal. He didn't bother to stop by the library (ever, in fact. No one has ever met him) to ask about the position; he just applied. Even though it was posted as an internal/external job, meaning anyone can be considered. But... he's internal. So he gets interviewed for suitability and I get to, once again, miss out on the job that I want. Rarely do they pass up the internal candidate.
When she told me, I had to figure out how to not fall apart on the desk. But now I really don't feel like going to that job anymore. I give up.
Do you ever have those "It's a Wonderful Life" moments? Not the part where you realise people are there for you in your worst time. The part where the only thing you can think of to do is to lean over a bridge and wish aloud that you were never born. When you have no idea what point there is in being alive because you feel like you're not doing anything worthwhile, that you're not making a difference to anyone. Because that's kind of how my day has been going. Hopefully this feeling goes away tomorrow.
When I was feeling miserable in Japan, I would carry sea glass from Beacon Hill Park in my pocket and rub the smooth surface to feel better. It was reassuring. I eventually gave all my sea glass to other people who seemed to need it more than I did. I just don't know where to get a sea glass substitute anymore without drugging the nothingness away.
With 2 hours left in my shift, the head of the library came by the ref desk and let me know that, yes, the selection process is taking a little longer than anticipated because there was a surprise internal candidate. Apparently one of the sessional instructors in Classics just finished his MLIS (*just* finished and has never worked as a librarian anywhere) and, because he's technically still within the faculty association, is considered internal. He didn't bother to stop by the library (ever, in fact. No one has ever met him) to ask about the position; he just applied. Even though it was posted as an internal/external job, meaning anyone can be considered. But... he's internal. So he gets interviewed for suitability and I get to, once again, miss out on the job that I want. Rarely do they pass up the internal candidate.
When she told me, I had to figure out how to not fall apart on the desk. But now I really don't feel like going to that job anymore. I give up.
Do you ever have those "It's a Wonderful Life" moments? Not the part where you realise people are there for you in your worst time. The part where the only thing you can think of to do is to lean over a bridge and wish aloud that you were never born. When you have no idea what point there is in being alive because you feel like you're not doing anything worthwhile, that you're not making a difference to anyone. Because that's kind of how my day has been going. Hopefully this feeling goes away tomorrow.
When I was feeling miserable in Japan, I would carry sea glass from Beacon Hill Park in my pocket and rub the smooth surface to feel better. It was reassuring. I eventually gave all my sea glass to other people who seemed to need it more than I did. I just don't know where to get a sea glass substitute anymore without drugging the nothingness away.
Friday, June 17, 2011
the pull of mercury
Sometimes there's a secret message in everything, that all signs point to the one thing you dread most in life. I am having one of those days. Everything is telling me I am on my own. I plan to start reading "Sailing Alone Around The World" for tips on how to navigate from this point. I need some clarity because my life's compass has gotten me lost, left me adrift without any sign of a search rescue.
This next month will be my personal fork in the road, dependent on other people's wishes and wants. This is nothing new, but it is the sink or swim moment in my professional life. If I don't get this job, the job I've been hoping for for the last 2 1/2 years, I have to rethink everything in my life. If I should keep trying with what I've got. If I should take whatever I can get from this point on. If I should give up and leave this place. Days like today make it hard to remember what's keeping me here. My Spray is waiting for me in a dock somewhere and by the end of this summer it will be decided where it will take me.
This next month will be my personal fork in the road, dependent on other people's wishes and wants. This is nothing new, but it is the sink or swim moment in my professional life. If I don't get this job, the job I've been hoping for for the last 2 1/2 years, I have to rethink everything in my life. If I should keep trying with what I've got. If I should take whatever I can get from this point on. If I should give up and leave this place. Days like today make it hard to remember what's keeping me here. My Spray is waiting for me in a dock somewhere and by the end of this summer it will be decided where it will take me.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
(un)motivated
If you haven't guessed by now, I go through phases, where certain activities happen more frequently than any others because they calm my nerves and stop me from having a nervous breakdown. For a long time, my go-to was baking. I got through grad school because of baking. Then I switched to sewing, though only half-assed because I didn't bother to challenge myself. I just wanted results. For the last 8 months, I worked to calm my nerves, which sounds a bit ironic, considering I worked so much that I nearly lost my head. But it's the act of filling time that calms me, not the actual activity.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
For a few years I banned myself from buying fabric at all. I wasn't permitted to even go to a fabric store for fear of falling off the wagon. And I did pretty well. I only bought fabric when I decided to sew bags to see if I could sell them, to supplement Christmas one year. I didn't sell that many, maybe about 7 or 8, but it was enough to pay for presents for my family and some friends. It, unfortunately, made me think I could buy fabric again.
Lately, I've really been trying not to buy much fabric because I have enough. If it's possible to have enough. But the problem is that I can't stop myself from doing something obsessive, so I've been buying patterns. I have more than I need, more than I can likely make in the next 5 years. And today I picked up a bunch because they were on sale. (I guess that's one thing... I'm really cheap and won't spend much if I don't have to.)
There's a series that I haven't seen before, of just a couple of easy separates done in cute colours. It's Simplicity's Lisette line and I had to stop myself from buying them all today. Only because they were regular price, and I won't spend more than $4 for any pattern unless it's Vogue or vintage. But they are really cute and I broke down and got 2211 because it has a cute top that can be lengthened and a cute A-line skirt. Really, I could probably draft these patterns in a couple of days, but when you're as unmotivated as I am, a few days turn into weeks and months. (Case in point: I still have Christmas presents that I haven't managed to send to friends. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to motivate myself.) I also bought two cuts of fabric to try out the shirt pattern because it's getting to the point when I need shirts that won't require a cardi over top. If I manage to get them done, I'll post. It could be a while.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
For a few years I banned myself from buying fabric at all. I wasn't permitted to even go to a fabric store for fear of falling off the wagon. And I did pretty well. I only bought fabric when I decided to sew bags to see if I could sell them, to supplement Christmas one year. I didn't sell that many, maybe about 7 or 8, but it was enough to pay for presents for my family and some friends. It, unfortunately, made me think I could buy fabric again.
Lately, I've really been trying not to buy much fabric because I have enough. If it's possible to have enough. But the problem is that I can't stop myself from doing something obsessive, so I've been buying patterns. I have more than I need, more than I can likely make in the next 5 years. And today I picked up a bunch because they were on sale. (I guess that's one thing... I'm really cheap and won't spend much if I don't have to.)
There's a series that I haven't seen before, of just a couple of easy separates done in cute colours. It's Simplicity's Lisette line and I had to stop myself from buying them all today. Only because they were regular price, and I won't spend more than $4 for any pattern unless it's Vogue or vintage. But they are really cute and I broke down and got 2211 because it has a cute top that can be lengthened and a cute A-line skirt. Really, I could probably draft these patterns in a couple of days, but when you're as unmotivated as I am, a few days turn into weeks and months. (Case in point: I still have Christmas presents that I haven't managed to send to friends. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to motivate myself.) I also bought two cuts of fabric to try out the shirt pattern because it's getting to the point when I need shirts that won't require a cardi over top. If I manage to get them done, I'll post. It could be a while.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
let's get physical (on the soapbox)
Let me just start off with a disclaimer. I am adamant about voting. As an adult, it's my responsibility as a citizen of my community, city, province, country to vote. It is irresponsible to not vote in a democratic nation and I have no respect for someone who says, "It doesn't matter if I vote. All the parties are the same." That is a privileged view and it is those people who have screwed up Canada. You don't vote if you are legally able to, you don't deserve to take advantage of the services and perks of living in Canada. Simple as that, no middle ground. Whew, off the soapbox.
I've been looking at the candidates in my riding to make my final decision on who most closely reflects my beliefs. So far only the current MP (NDP) has left information for the election. He has answered questions I've forwarded to him over his term and feel as though he's acknowledged my concerns. (As an aside, I've also forwarded questions and concerns to the PM's office and have heard nothing back. Ever. The last time I heard back from a PM was when Chretien was PM.) I'm still comparing the information he provided with the other candidates in my riding. The other candidates require a bit of searching out, since they've not done any promotion in my riding that I've seen. This isn't that big a deal since I assume they will have information about their platform somewhere online, as that must be their way of presenting their stance.
This is the wrong assumption.
The Conservative candidate in my riding has her own website, but the only mention of her platform is the Conservative one. I have no idea what this woman stands for in her life, other than she believes in the Conservatives. So, fine, whatever. Let's look at the Conservative platform. One point in their platform immediately stands out:
"A belief that good and responsible government is attentive to the people it represents and has representatives who at all times conduct themselves in an ethical manner and display integrity, honesty and concern for the best interest of all."
OK, I gotta cry foul. The Conservative Party wants to act like an entity, so I'm going to paint the whole party with the same brush. The ethical thing is kind of a major thing with me. The whole contempt-of-parliament thing might not seem like a big deal to the leader of the Tories, but it's a big deal to me. Huge thing, actually. A deal-breaker. You lie to the representatives of ridings in Canada, you're lying to Canadians. You lie to me. I don't like people lying to me about most things, but money is a touchy subject. You tell me you're going to use my money to pay some bills, but you buy a midlife-crisis-type vehicle, I'm going to get pissed. And that's what's happened.
The label could be any party. If you rip me off, I'm not going to vote for you. If you tell me I don't need to know something, let me be the judge of that and fricking be honest about it. Day by day, I like the Tories less and less. The whole Auditor General report and subsequent media mess makes me livid at this point; the mis-quoting thing, using a statement to the CBC about the Liberals after 9/11 as a pro-Tory quote about the G8/G20 spending.....
So, really, as far as I'm concerned, there are only three parties running in my riding. The Conservatives, by their own platform, are not able to run in the federal election. Didn't Nixon resign for essentially the same thing?
And I don't even like talking about politics. Imagine if I did.
I've been looking at the candidates in my riding to make my final decision on who most closely reflects my beliefs. So far only the current MP (NDP) has left information for the election. He has answered questions I've forwarded to him over his term and feel as though he's acknowledged my concerns. (As an aside, I've also forwarded questions and concerns to the PM's office and have heard nothing back. Ever. The last time I heard back from a PM was when Chretien was PM.) I'm still comparing the information he provided with the other candidates in my riding. The other candidates require a bit of searching out, since they've not done any promotion in my riding that I've seen. This isn't that big a deal since I assume they will have information about their platform somewhere online, as that must be their way of presenting their stance.
This is the wrong assumption.
The Conservative candidate in my riding has her own website, but the only mention of her platform is the Conservative one. I have no idea what this woman stands for in her life, other than she believes in the Conservatives. So, fine, whatever. Let's look at the Conservative platform. One point in their platform immediately stands out:
"A belief that good and responsible government is attentive to the people it represents and has representatives who at all times conduct themselves in an ethical manner and display integrity, honesty and concern for the best interest of all."
OK, I gotta cry foul. The Conservative Party wants to act like an entity, so I'm going to paint the whole party with the same brush. The ethical thing is kind of a major thing with me. The whole contempt-of-parliament thing might not seem like a big deal to the leader of the Tories, but it's a big deal to me. Huge thing, actually. A deal-breaker. You lie to the representatives of ridings in Canada, you're lying to Canadians. You lie to me. I don't like people lying to me about most things, but money is a touchy subject. You tell me you're going to use my money to pay some bills, but you buy a midlife-crisis-type vehicle, I'm going to get pissed. And that's what's happened.
The label could be any party. If you rip me off, I'm not going to vote for you. If you tell me I don't need to know something, let me be the judge of that and fricking be honest about it. Day by day, I like the Tories less and less. The whole Auditor General report and subsequent media mess makes me livid at this point; the mis-quoting thing, using a statement to the CBC about the Liberals after 9/11 as a pro-Tory quote about the G8/G20 spending.....
So, really, as far as I'm concerned, there are only three parties running in my riding. The Conservatives, by their own platform, are not able to run in the federal election. Didn't Nixon resign for essentially the same thing?
And I don't even like talking about politics. Imagine if I did.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
the vanity
My work situation may be winding down a little bit, with college classes ending in April and my main contract dropping down to 3 days a week again. I'm a little freaked out, but the free time might convince me to get my house/life in order a little better. It's been nice having a day or two off the last couple of weeks.
Lately, though, the only thing I try to do on weekends is head to the Bay. I'm obsessed with their weekend sales. But, knowing my finances will take a beating with tax season and the lower work hours, I'm trying to be practical about it. I only look at the dresses and tights.
Yesterday after work, I thought I'd get a jumpstart, in case they put stuff on sale on Friday nights. They don't always, but it didn't matter. I found a DKNY City dress with a regular pricetag of $189 for $25. With tax, it was $30. I need to hem it a little (a smidge long) and it's a bit loud on top for some people, but I'm excited by it. Last week I picked up two dresses around the same retail price for $35 each (or so). Do I need these dresses, you ask me silently? Not necessarily, but having them I know I won't be scrambling to find a dress for weddings or interviews or a nice night out. I've worn almost every dress I've bought (one is definitely a wedding dress, all shiny and boobly) or will if I ever go out at night again.
The tights I've been more frugal about. I have a huge backlog of tights from last summer, so I know I don't need any. But I have gotten some cute patterned tights the last few times and so that's my limiter: patterns. I've got another 3 months or so of tight wearing, so I can rationalise it.
Better get my day started. I'm trying a new Bay today to see what they've got. Usually they're good for tights, but I'm curious about clothes. Kind of need a few summer shirts.
Lately, though, the only thing I try to do on weekends is head to the Bay. I'm obsessed with their weekend sales. But, knowing my finances will take a beating with tax season and the lower work hours, I'm trying to be practical about it. I only look at the dresses and tights.
Yesterday after work, I thought I'd get a jumpstart, in case they put stuff on sale on Friday nights. They don't always, but it didn't matter. I found a DKNY City dress with a regular pricetag of $189 for $25. With tax, it was $30. I need to hem it a little (a smidge long) and it's a bit loud on top for some people, but I'm excited by it. Last week I picked up two dresses around the same retail price for $35 each (or so). Do I need these dresses, you ask me silently? Not necessarily, but having them I know I won't be scrambling to find a dress for weddings or interviews or a nice night out. I've worn almost every dress I've bought (one is definitely a wedding dress, all shiny and boobly) or will if I ever go out at night again.
The tights I've been more frugal about. I have a huge backlog of tights from last summer, so I know I don't need any. But I have gotten some cute patterned tights the last few times and so that's my limiter: patterns. I've got another 3 months or so of tight wearing, so I can rationalise it.
Better get my day started. I'm trying a new Bay today to see what they've got. Usually they're good for tights, but I'm curious about clothes. Kind of need a few summer shirts.
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