worst case

So. The fork. The fork has turned into a knife, and points in one direction: to nowhere.

With 2 hours left in my shift, the head of the library came by the ref desk and let me know that, yes, the selection process is taking a little longer than anticipated because there was a surprise internal candidate. Apparently one of the sessional instructors in Classics just finished his MLIS (*just* finished and has never worked as a librarian anywhere) and, because he's technically still within the faculty association, is considered internal. He didn't bother to stop by the library (ever, in fact. No one has ever met him) to ask about the position; he just applied. Even though it was posted as an internal/external job, meaning anyone can be considered. But... he's internal. So he gets interviewed for suitability and I get to, once again, miss out on the job that I want. Rarely do they pass up the internal candidate.

When she told me, I had to figure out how to not fall apart on the desk. But now I really don't feel like going to that job anymore. I give up.

Do you ever have those "It's a Wonderful Life" moments? Not the part where you realise people are there for you in your worst time. The part where the only thing you can think of to do is to lean over a bridge and wish aloud that you were never born. When you have no idea what point there is in being alive because you feel like you're not doing anything worthwhile, that you're not making a difference to anyone. Because that's kind of how my day has been going. Hopefully this feeling goes away tomorrow.

When I was feeling miserable in Japan, I would carry sea glass from Beacon Hill Park in my pocket and rub the smooth surface to feel better. It was reassuring. I eventually gave all my sea glass to other people who seemed to need it more than I did. I just don't know where to get a sea glass substitute anymore without drugging the nothingness away.

the pull of mercury

Sometimes there's a secret message in everything, that all signs point to the one thing you dread most in life. I am having one of those days. Everything is telling me I am on my own. I plan to start reading "Sailing Alone Around The World" for tips on how to navigate from this point. I need some clarity because my life's compass has gotten me lost, left me adrift without any sign of a search rescue.

This next month will be my personal fork in the road, dependent on other people's wishes and wants. This is nothing new, but it is the sink or swim moment in my professional life. If I don't get this job, the job I've been hoping for for the last 2 1/2 years, I have to rethink everything in my life. If I should keep trying with what I've got. If I should take whatever I can get from this point on. If I should give up and leave this place. Days like today make it hard to remember what's keeping me here. My Spray is waiting for me in a dock somewhere and by the end of this summer it will be decided where it will take me.

(un)motivated

If you haven't guessed by now, I go through phases, where certain activities happen more frequently than any others because they calm my nerves and stop me from having a nervous breakdown. For a long time, my go-to was baking. I got through grad school because of baking. Then I switched to sewing, though only half-assed because I didn't bother to challenge myself. I just wanted results. For the last 8 months, I worked to calm my nerves, which sounds a bit ironic, considering I worked so much that I nearly lost my head. But it's the act of filling time that calms me, not the actual activity.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

For a few years I banned myself from buying fabric at all. I wasn't permitted to even go to a fabric store for fear of falling off the wagon. And I did pretty well. I only bought fabric when I decided to sew bags to see if I could sell them, to supplement Christmas one year. I didn't sell that many, maybe about 7 or 8, but it was enough to pay for presents for my family and some friends. It, unfortunately, made me think I could buy fabric again.

Lately, I've really been trying not to buy much fabric because I have enough. If it's possible to have enough. But the problem is that I can't stop myself from doing something obsessive, so I've been buying patterns. I have more than I need, more than I can likely make in the next 5 years. And today I picked up a bunch because they were on sale. (I guess that's one thing... I'm really cheap and won't spend much if I don't have to.)

There's a series that I haven't seen before, of just a couple of easy separates done in cute colours. It's Simplicity's Lisette line and I had to stop myself from buying them all today. Only because they were regular price, and I won't spend more than $4 for any pattern unless it's Vogue or vintage. But they are really cute and I broke down and got 2211 because it has a cute top that can be lengthened and a cute A-line skirt. Really, I could probably draft these patterns in a couple of days, but when you're as unmotivated as I am, a few days turn into weeks and months. (Case in point: I still have Christmas presents that I haven't managed to send to friends. They're just sitting there, waiting for me to motivate myself.) I also bought two cuts of fabric to try out the shirt pattern because it's getting to the point when I need shirts that won't require a cardi over top. If I manage to get them done, I'll post. It could be a while.

let's get physical (on the soapbox)

Let me just start off with a disclaimer. I am adamant about voting. As an adult, it's my responsibility as a citizen of my community, city, province, country to vote. It is irresponsible to not vote in a democratic nation and I have no respect for someone who says, "It doesn't matter if I vote. All the parties are the same." That is a privileged view and it is those people who have screwed up Canada. You don't vote if you are legally able to, you don't deserve to take advantage of the services and perks of living in Canada. Simple as that, no middle ground. Whew, off the soapbox.

I've been looking at the candidates in my riding to make my final decision on who most closely reflects my beliefs. So far only the current MP (NDP) has left information for the election. He has answered questions I've forwarded to him over his term and feel as though he's acknowledged my concerns. (As an aside, I've also forwarded questions and concerns to the PM's office and have heard nothing back. Ever. The last time I heard back from a PM was when Chretien was PM.) I'm still comparing the information he provided with the other candidates in my riding. The other candidates require a bit of searching out, since they've not done any promotion in my riding that I've seen. This isn't that big a deal since I assume they will have information about their platform somewhere online, as that must be their way of presenting their stance.

This is the wrong assumption.

The Conservative candidate in my riding has her own website, but the only mention of her platform is the Conservative one. I have no idea what this woman stands for in her life, other than she believes in the Conservatives. So, fine, whatever. Let's look at the Conservative platform. One point in their platform immediately stands out:
"A belief that good and responsible government is attentive to the people it represents and has representatives who at all times conduct themselves in an ethical manner and display integrity, honesty and concern for the best interest of all."

OK, I gotta cry foul. The Conservative Party wants to act like an entity, so I'm going to paint the whole party with the same brush. The ethical thing is kind of a major thing with me. The whole contempt-of-parliament thing might not seem like a big deal to the leader of the Tories, but it's a big deal to me. Huge thing, actually. A deal-breaker. You lie to the representatives of ridings in Canada, you're lying to Canadians. You lie to me. I don't like people lying to me about most things, but money is a touchy subject. You tell me you're going to use my money to pay some bills, but you buy a midlife-crisis-type vehicle, I'm going to get pissed. And that's what's happened.

The label could be any party. If you rip me off, I'm not going to vote for you. If you tell me I don't need to know something, let me be the judge of that and fricking be honest about it. Day by day, I like the Tories less and less. The whole Auditor General report and subsequent media mess makes me livid at this point; the mis-quoting thing, using a statement to the CBC about the Liberals after 9/11 as a pro-Tory quote about the G8/G20 spending.....

So, really, as far as I'm concerned, there are only three parties running in my riding. The Conservatives, by their own platform, are not able to run in the federal election. Didn't Nixon resign for essentially the same thing?

And I don't even like talking about politics. Imagine if I did.

the vanity

My work situation may be winding down a little bit, with college classes ending in April and my main contract dropping down to 3 days a week again. I'm a little freaked out, but the free time might convince me to get my house/life in order a little better. It's been nice having a day or two off the last couple of weeks.

Lately, though, the only thing I try to do on weekends is head to the Bay. I'm obsessed with their weekend sales. But, knowing my finances will take a beating with tax season and the lower work hours, I'm trying to be practical about it. I only look at the dresses and tights.

Yesterday after work, I thought I'd get a jumpstart, in case they put stuff on sale on Friday nights. They don't always, but it didn't matter. I found a DKNY City dress with a regular pricetag of $189 for $25. With tax, it was $30. I need to hem it a little (a smidge long) and it's a bit loud on top for some people, but I'm excited by it. Last week I picked up two dresses around the same retail price for $35 each (or so). Do I need these dresses, you ask me silently? Not necessarily, but having them I know I won't be scrambling to find a dress for weddings or interviews or a nice night out. I've worn almost every dress I've bought (one is definitely a wedding dress, all shiny and boobly) or will if I ever go out at night again.

The tights I've been more frugal about. I have a huge backlog of tights from last summer, so I know I don't need any. But I have gotten some cute patterned tights the last few times and so that's my limiter: patterns. I've got another 3 months or so of tight wearing, so I can rationalise it.

Better get my day started. I'm trying a new Bay today to see what they've got. Usually they're good for tights, but I'm curious about clothes. Kind of need a few summer shirts.

on the other side of the fence

My friend and I keep talking a lot about perspective lately. We're both in similar boats, ones that seem to have wonky rudders and keep steering us away from where we want to be with our careers and lives. I wonder if mine is fundamentally flawed, that no matter what I do I will remain off-course. I wonder if I made an error years ago and that one event determined the path to mediocrity that I find myself on now.

Yesterday I had a particularly dismal day. Stuff happened that made me wonder why I don't just quit all my jobs and empty my bank account and travel until the money is gone and I just try to start again wherever I wind up. It didn't seem like it matters if I do my job well or try at anything because there's always something there to remind me that it's all for naught. I had to hold back irrational tears when a more senior co-worker asked what I wanted for my work schedule because I know it doesn't matter what I want; I have little input into my jobs right now. I'm dangling from a tiny, raveling thread, set to expire in April. I have one day of work in May and otherwise my schedule is empty.

And I know that, as I was thinking of how pathetic it is that I can't see past March, I was sent signs that it could be worse. One of my biggest fears growing up (other than being stuck in a submerged car or being buried alive) was being unable to communicate, of being stuck inside my body without the means to let myself out somehow. And as I waited for the train, two people came on with cerebral palsy, one barely eking out words as her face and body contorted to be heard. The person she was with had more control of his voice, but less control of his body. And I knew that it was a nudge, that I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself that my life isn't right. But it just made me feel worse. I have none of the physical limitations, yet still can't make anyone hear me.

I went home from my 13-hour day and decided to make a pizza and go to bed, hoping things wouldn't look as bad today. I should be used to this uncertainty by now; it's been three years of this round already. Something always comes up. I've been smart enough to squirrel enough money away that, if it came to it, I could manage without work for a while. I know that I am lucky to be living the life that I am. It is just sometimes a heavy burden to have the freedom to do whatever I want because being needed or feeling tied to somewhere is what I really need. I don't like just being a barely warm body to fill some hours. It would be nice to feel like I'm accomplishing something, anything. Purpose.

showing cracks

This year is fine. Things are going OK. I've got nothing to really complain about. But I'm also trying not to complain this year, even though sometimes it's really hard not to. It isn't really a resolution so much as an effort to remember to do something I should be doing anyway. I'm making the effort to be more positive in general because positive people are happier people and I'm tired of depressive episodes. There are still 4 months of the rainy season to contend with, so it's either this or buy a sunray light.

Really, I've been trying to just be so incredibly busy that I don't have time to think about not being happy to make my body think it's happy. But my schedule...

People regularly shudder when they hear what my work schedule is like, saying, "Well, you should be glad you have work. A lot of people don't." And I know that, yes, I should be grateful for having more work than I can physically work. Three jobs is more than one person should really have to work. Yet it's hard to remember to be grateful when there are no days off for 20 days, when the work week stretches to 65 hours, when I have to miss out on friends' birthdays and scotch tastings and book readings and the like. But I'm trying.

This morning a distant newish friend-type wondered why I didn't live where she lives so we can listen to music and hang out whenever we want. And I realised that I had given up on finding work in other places, even though I'm always thinking about maybe moving somewhere else. So I'm going to apply for jobs elsewhere and see what happens. Judging from my success at securing full-time work here, I'm probably not going anywhere for a while, but I won't know unless I apply.

Really, I should be taking courses and joining committees if I'm really serious about all of this job security stuff. I just hate all this bullshit resume building crap that employers look at to differentiate people. So I'm going to see if I can fit in some online courses and maybe an in-person one to see if that helps me out. Adding more to my plate just makes me look really good at multi-tasking, right?