and again

I shouldn't be surprised at this point when it happens. When he cancels at the last minute. When he does the right thing. When he chooses to be who his dad expected him to be instead of who he really is. It just sucks when it happens.

uh oh

Today I'm supposed to meet up with a friend who has been submerged in massive depression for the last 2 years. I've been feeling out of sorts/in the dumper for most of 2012. This can't go well.

cheers

This evening I mentioned to my friends that I was tired of being happy for all of my other friends. It's a flippant comment, but there's an element of truth to it. There's a whole lot of good stuff going on in other people's lives: a brand new engagement, a few people getting into new relationships, a new baby to get to know, new jobs... It's fantastic that these things happen to my friends because they really deserve to be happy.

Just sometimes I wonder if there's a limit to how happy I can be for everybody else before I start dying of melancholy inside.

Maybe some people are just designed for happiness and others aren't. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not wired to be happy. All I can hope for is mild contentment, and that is a real struggle sometimes. Like today. I'm tired of being happy for everybody else. It would be nice to be happy for me.

Oh look, beer.

the last of it

Why do I always want to climb into a hole and hide when New Year's Eve rolls around?

I have a ticket to go dancing with friends who see each other very often. I don't see them often, probably because I'm pretty dull to be around lately (conversation topics generally wind up being work-related, centered around how much I'm working and how many jobs I have. I try to steer away from that, I swear). They were all together last evening, doing fun things, as they always do. And, for some dumb reason, knowing that they did something fun, as they always do, I don't think I should go dancing tonight with them.

This morning I had an anxiety attack, early, around 4:30 or so. I'm not sure what the anxiety was about, but I felt that impending doom when you have to do something that you don't feel comfortable doing. I thought it was because I had to make something for a potluck at work, but after I made another plan for that, the anxiety persisted. It may be because of tonight. And I dread dressing up in a dress that I feel blubbery in, sweating because I always sweat when I dance, watching other people kiss at midnight and then walking home by myself while the world happens around me. I can't get excited about it.

So... I might try to give the ticket to that group of friends, as I'm sure they have someone who will want to go that will be more cheery. I'd kind of like to board a bus out of town and ride it to the end of the line. Maybe ride the Skytrain all night, in loops. Or just go to bed early, since I have to work tomorrow anyway.

Why does there have to be any emphasis on the importance of New Year's Eve? Why can't it just be another day?

bracing

Hello, poor neglected blog. It's been a while, I know... No excuse is a good excuse in this sort of situation, so I won't even try.

I will talk about something more dull, though. Don't you worry about that.

Earlier in December, I was so happy to be finishing up my adult braces. The Invisalign have been fine, but I was growing tired of them, especially leading up to the holidays. After my appointment, though, it was apparent this was not the end. It may never be the end.

At least that's how it feels.

I'm onto the "refinement" trays, which hurt like a mofo. I'm supposed to floss a billion times a day and it's just pools of blood from my fricking teeth being moved around in my mouth. Yesterday's trays are killing me, high pain threshold and all. Groan.

But one day... one day I'll have nice, straight teeth that line up perfectly. I just have no idea when that will be. Right now I'm set up for another 24 weeks, if my teeth don't sort themselves out by then.

See? This is why I haven't been blogging. Snore.

wee

I keep telling myself I'm going to write again. Just have to find the time.

i want to be your friend

So my friend has acquired a Russian penpal, picked up from one of those random emails about Russian women wanting to meet men in other countries. He thought it'd be interesting to see how long it took for her to bring up money. Apparently, not very long.

He only started posting both parts of their conversation in the last couple of weeks, for the amusement of about 700 people, but it sounds like she asked for money for a visa to come visit him within a week. I find this especially amusing. She tried to prove she was real by sending a picture of her passport, sending pictures in various poses, holding a sign in a grainy picture with "I'm real" written and his fake name. If this were the early part of online dating, this would sound great and possible.

His story has gotten much more involved recently. The monetary demand was getting quite heated, with her accusing him of leading her on, so he wrote that he was in the hospital, relying on friends who didn't believe she was real to send the money. Never once did she talk about his hospitalisation, despite him mentioning he might lose his leg and it was a critical situation. He's written quite a lot about his injuries and accident, and you'd think someone who professes that she wants to curl up in front of a fire with hot chocolate and just stare at each other might pick up that being hospitalised is a pretty major thing.

Now, I know that there's a slight chance that she's a real person and she is probably thinking he's her meal ticket out of a tough situation. But what are the chances of that? Maybe 4%? Because things just don't add up.

And this is why it's my favourite part of the week, when he gets a new letter and sometimes new photos. Because it's interesting to be on the inside when a scammer tries to scam someone who knows what's going on. I suspect my friend's persona will wind up dying, but we'll see.